Cabaret Page #2

from Oxford University.

A professor of language.

Well, it's, it's Cambridge,

actually, and l'm...

...l'm still working for

my doctor of philosophy.

That's why l'm here.

But, if you really want lessons,

l'd be pleased to help.

Excellent.

Start!

For the sport!

lf it's not...if it's not too expensive.

You know, business is...

...business is terrible.

The inflation, the Communists...

...the Nazis.

Soon l am with a tin cup, too...

...or l make a rich marriage.

That at least is sensible.

l suppose you're wondering

what l'm doing...

...working in a place like the Kit Kat Klub?

lt is a rather unusual place.

That's me, darling...

unusual places, unusual love affairs.

l am a most strange

and extraordinary person.

Now, tell me all about you.

l want to hear everything.

Everything?

Absolutely everything.

Well, there's nothing very dramatic to tell.

Well, since l've been down

from Cambridge, l--

Lya de Putti.

Absolutely my favorite screen siren.

Well, when l left Cambridge, l--

l'm going to be a great film star.

That is, if booze and sex

don't get me first.

Do l shock you, darling?

Not a bit.

l don't?

Since mother died we're even closer.

He's an ambassador, l understand.

Who told you that?

Fritz Wendel.

Oh, Fritz.

He's practically an ambassador.

Where is he now?

Oh, who knows?

Timbuctoo, outer Mongolia.

He dashes all over the globe

on momentous affairs of state.

Then, you don't see much of him.

Darling, what are you talking about?

Of course l do.

He can't bear us being apart.

He's always swooping down

and carrying me off for divine vacations.

The Riviera, Capri.

Have you ever slept with a dwarf?

Once, but it wasn't a lasting relationship.

Oh, l know l can sing,

but what l really want to be is an actress.

Like...who is it?

Lya de Putti?

Oh, darling, come on.

l could act her right off the screen.

l thought you said she was your favorite.

She makes too many faces.

No, please....

We made an agreement.

Thank you.

Just you wait.

One of these days Max Reinhardt

is gonna drift into the club.

Well, you never know.

That's right, you never know.

lt has happened before.

What, just last week,

a man who's a very good friend...

...of the head of casting for UFA

asked me to sit at his table, and he's....

Come on. Come on.

Run, run!

Where?

Excuse me, miss....

Didn't you just scream?

Does my company upset you that much?

You know, sometimes l come down here

and just wait.

l mean, just especially.

You should try it sometime.

Me?

Yes.

Me?

-You.

-No.

Yes, you.

Go on.

l couldn't possibly.

Don't be so British.

You'll feel terrific afterwards.

You know you want to.

No, l don't.

Here comes one now.

-Will you do it?

-All right.

No, not yet.

Okay, you ready?

Now.

l can't promise you anything,

but we can give it a try.

Darling, l want you to meet Herr Ludwig.

He's just back from Hamburg.

He lives in the room off the kitchen,

and he's a marvelous publisher.

Now look, he's got this book,

and it's got to be translated.

And l told him

what a famous writer you are...

...and it's 50 marks. Right?

Fabulous.

lt's all settled.

lt will be an honor for me

to associate with...

...so talented a young man of letters

as Miss Bowles tells me.

This book, l assure you,

is most artistic...

...most artistic and color--

Twenty-five marks in advance. Right?

l think, Herr Roberts,

you will find the style--

ls there any hot water left?

-Hot water?

-Yes, a little.

l think you will find the style admirable...

...and the subject matter,

l feel, is universal.

-Cigar?

-No, thank you.

No, you must. lt's the finest Havana.

lt's a deal?

Herr Ludwig, l'm afraid that Sally's

rather overestimated my powers of....

lt's a deal.

That's it.

Fifty marks. Not bad, huh?

Do you know what this artistic

and colorful book's about?

No. Tell, tell.

lt's pure pornography.

But of course it is, darling.

All of Herr Ludwig's books are dirty books.

What's this one called?

''Cleo, the Whip Lady.''

You lied about the hot water.

l'm freezing.

l'm freezing to death.

Hug me?

Tighter.

Don't be so literal.

Doesn't my body

drive you wild with desire?

Doesn't it?

lt's a very nice body.

Do you really think so, darling?

lt does have a certain kind of style.

l mean, look, it's very flat here...

...not much hips, and...

...here....

lt's a little early in the day

for this sort of thing, isn't it?

Maybe you just don't sleep with girls.

You don't.

Well, listen, we're practically

living together, so if you only like boys...

...l mean, l wouldn't dream

of pestering you.

Well, do you sleep with girls, or don't you?

You don't ask questions like that.

l do.

All right.

lf you insist.

l do not sleep with girls.

Let me be absolutely accurate.

l've gone through the motions

of sleeping with girls exactly...

...three times.

All of them disastrous.

The word for my sex life now is...

...''nil,'' or...

...as you Americans would say...

...''plenty of nuttin'''!

All right?

Why didn't you tell me in the first place?

Look, Brian.

You're absolutely my best friend.

And friends are much harder to find

than lovers.

Besides, sex always screws up

a friendship, anyway, if you let it.

So we won't let it.

Okay, Sally.

''You would have been,

he would have been....''

Pluperfect tense.

''l have been....''

lf you did a little homework,

instead of gadding about all over town....

Fraulein Schneider,

there's a new pupil coming at 3:00.

-Would you show her up, please?

-Certainly.

''You had have been, l had have been....''

Future perfect.

''l shall have....''

''l shall have been.'' This English.

l go now to try to pull a deal.

Or l make business soon...

...or l go as a gigolo.

''Either, or.''

''Either, or,'' l go as a gigolo.

Anyway, who is the new pupil?

Natalia Landauer.

Landauer?

Of the big department store?

A Landauer?

How did you meet a Landauer?

l had a letter of introduction

from England.

They invited me for coffee.

lnvited you for coffee?

Landauers are enormous rich Jews.

Stinking rich, it seems.

Good.

l shall make a pass after her.

What if she's...fat and hideous?

Perhaps the father will take

a liking from me and give me a job.

lf l marry her, a partnership perhaps.

l'm not prejudiced.

Hello.

You said you wouldn't be back until 4:00.

l must have a drink this instant.

The new pupil's due at any moment.

Can't the drink wait?

Oh, God, only gin.

Sally, please!

Three marks an hour. l need it.

-We need it.

-All l need is a drink!

She's young and very strictly brought up.

Look, l may have my tiny faults...

...but l'm really not planning

to white slave her to Latin America.

Whose room is this, anyhow?

Sally, in all fairness--

Fairness? Who cares about fairness?

Honestly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

-Excuse me.

-How fat?

How fat?

l think the weather will be fine,

isn't it true, Miss Landauer?

Fraulein Landauer.

Come in.

-Good afternoon, Fraulein Landauer.

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