Cactus Flower Page #8

since Julian and I

have gone home together.

You're a great

little fixer.

I'll dump her

in Jackson Heights and then

come back to your place.

No, Julian, not tonight.

Stay with her.

Are you out of your mind?

What the hell am I

going to do with her?

You're gonna be

very nice.

Now, wait a minute...

Very nice, to please me.

Well, Doctor,

I know how anxious

you are

to dump me and get back

to Toni, so you...

I'm not going back there.

You're not going back?

No.

Toni thought

you looked so sad

and humiliated,

she told me

to stay with you.

Stay with me?

Now, let us get

our stories straight.

As far as Toni is concerned,

are we supposed to have

spent the night together?

No, of course not.

I've thought

the whole thing over

and I've decided

to tell the truth.

Good for you.

I'll buy her a nice,

expensive present

and tell the truth,

then she and I

can get married.

Then everything is fine.

No, it isn't.

'cause when she finds out

that I've been lying,

she's liable to do

something desperate.

It's all your fault.

You did all you could

to louse me up.

Harvey was trying his best.

You didn't have to

put on that act

about being humiliated.

That was no act.

I was humiliated.

Miss Dickinson,

you have this

hang-up about men

that forces you to destroy

any possible relationship.

That's really what

causes you hate Harvey.

No one needs a reason

for hating Harvey.

You completely

de-feminize yourself.

I've noticed it

around the office

and around me.

Now, Doctor, I was hired

as a nurse-receptionist,

not as a geisha girl.

You're afraid,

Miss Dickinson.

Afraid of emotion,

afraid of intimacy,

afraid to live.

If you call that living,

the way you carry on,

Doctor, then you're right.

I'm only telling you this

for your own good.

Funny how, whenever

people hurt your feelings,

they're always doing it

for your own good.

Turn right

at the next corner.

Hi, Igor.

Hi. You got Aida

with Callas?

Sure.

You know, I haven't

heard your typewriter

last few days.

I'm too depressed

to work.

Sometimes, I wish

my mother

had taken the pill.

What's your problem,

a girl?

No, I've outgrown

that stuff.

Sex is for teenagers.

Seem to need something else.

I don't know what.

I know exactly

how you feel.

Hey, can I read

your play sometime?

Yeah, it'd be nice

if somebody did.

Well, I'd like that

very much.

Want me to put it in a sack?

No, I'll listen to it here.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

JULIAN:

Do you always stand

up there like that?

Nobody around here looks.

Most of our customers

are classical.

(GIGGLING)

What are you doing here?

My lunch hour,

and I brought you

a present.

A present? It isn't even

my birthday or anything.

Open it.

Let's go in the back.

Gee, I wonder

what could be in here.

Guess.

Black leather slacks?

Black leather slacks?

Can't you think

bigger than that?

What could be bigger

than black leather slacks?

Okay, I give up.

A mink stole!

A mink stole!

And a card, too.

"Your next appointment

is on..."

"As ever, Julian."

How sweet.

Aren't you going

to try it on?

A mink stole. (GIGGLES)

Okay, Julian, what are you

trying to tell me?

What makes you think

I'm trying to

tell you anything?

You're not

a stingy man, Julian,

but you're not the last

of the big-time

spenders, either.

Well...

(CLEARS THROAT)

As a matter of fact,

there was something

that I...

I wanted to tell you.

It's, uh...

It's about me

and my, uh...

Your wife?

I get the message.

You do?

Yeah.

Last night, you and she...

For old times' sake.

(SCOFFS) That's absurd.

Julian, don't apologize.

After all, it was I who

told you to be nice to her.

Of course,

it was up to you

to decide how nice.

Oh, look, Toni, it's

nothing like that. It's...

You see, the fact is,

Stephanie is...

Yes?

MR. SHIRLEY:

Miss Simmons.

Would you step in here

for a moment, please?

Yes, Mr. Shirley.

May I ask

what's going on here?

Um, this gentleman

is looking for a, a stereo

to match the color

of his wife's mink.

When I think how many nuts

are running around loose

in this town...

Carry on.

Now, go ahead.

You were saying

Stephanie is...

Yes, you see,

Stephanie, uh, is...

Oh, come on, Julian,

let's have it.

You know me.

I can forgive

anything but a lie.

Forget it.

Let me try to help.

You have a problem

with Stephanie, right?

Never mind.

Let's see, she drinks?

No.

She's a kleptomaniac?

No.

Uh, she takes acid?

(SIGHS)

There's only

one other thing

I know a man would

really be ashamed

to talk about.

Stephanie is

no nymphomaniac.

I guessed it?

That's what you

came here to tell me?

Wow.

Well, go ahead,

give me all the details.

What can I tell you,

except my wife, Stephanie,

is a slave to her desires?

Well, that's a very

sweet way of

describing a nympho.

You can imagine

what my life

has been like.

Julian, you've got

to take the children

away from her immediately.

Why? It's not catching.

You, you, you've got

to fight her for custody.

You have...

Shh!

Come to think of it,

the children don't look

much like you.

The whole thing

is too painful

to talk about.

Oh, you poor darling.

When I think of

that awful woman.

What am I saying?

She's not awful.

I mean, she's marvelous.

I admire her courage.

Well, now that

the whole ugly story

is out,

we'll never mention

her name again.

You know what I was doing

when you arrived?

Sending a present

to Stephanie.

She likes Horowitz.

What's her address

in Jackson Heights?

Why don't you just

send it to the office?

Miss Dickinson

will forward it.

Hi.

What do you mean by that?

I'll see you later.

This time I was dressed.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

What have you got there?

Oh, it's mink.

From Julian.

My Aunt Bertha

has one just like it.

Yeah, I know. I wanted

black leather slacks.

Poor Julian. He thought

this would please me.

It's a throwback

to the days

when, when a hunter

would give his wife

the dead animal skins.

Wonder how many minks

Julian has killed?

That's very unkind, Igor.

When I think of

all the women who would

do anything for this

and here I am,

not really wanting it.

Hey, Igor, this is my chance

to do a good deed.

I was going to send

his wife those records.

I'll send her

this mink instead.

Oh, boy.

What's wrong?

She'll love it.

Mrs. Winston

will never accept

a mink stole from you.

Where's that card?

"As ever, Julian."

That should do it.

Anyway, it's just sort

of a care package.

Toni, you're a kook.

But a nice kook.

Oh, Seor Sanchez,

but you're

10 minutes early.

Imagine, Arturo Sanchez

being early

for the dentist.

It is a new man, no?

Certainly is.

And today,

I hurried to get here.

Do you know why?

El Bravo rides again.

Yes.

The cowardly fear

of the dentist,

is completely overcome

by the great desire

to see the lovely,

delicious

Miss Dickinson.

I'll tell Dr. Winston

that you're here.

(STAMMERING) Ah, wait.

Do not call him yet.

Tell me,

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