Cadillac Man

I don't know what's

wrong with it.

You guys were supposed

to service this thing!

I don't know why he

didn't service it.

I don't know.

Why don't you guys take a suck

on that tailpipe?

Son of a b*tch!

I don't know what the hell

I'm going to do now.

Hot.

Blown engine, right?

The engine's blown to hell.

Want me to call you a tow truck?

We got help coming.

Really.

Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.

Finest automobiles

by the world's great carmakers.

Great. Just what I need.

A goddamn car salesman.

You know, you're in

a very dignified profession.

People rely upon you

for the last images...

they have of their loved ones,

and this ain't a pretty picture.

Oh, please, I'm trying to bury

a guy, not buy a hearse.

I'm talking a deal.

Dealer invoice?

Come on by tomorrow.

We're having

a one-time-only sale...

of all our luxury vehicles.

I'll customize

anything you want.

I will personally walk you

through every step of the deal.

We'll have your business

back on its feet by Monday...

back from the dead,

you might say.

- Excuse me.

- Sorry.

If I might interrupt...

What are you doing

about my husband?

We've arranged

for a pickup truck.

I did not spend $10,000...

to have my Ralph can'ted around

in a pickup truck!

I'll put you out of business.

Or better still,

I'll take you to court.

I'll bury you for this!

- Madam.

- What is it?

My deepest condolences.

May I suggest that we

move your husband along...

as quickly as possible

to his last resting place?

Because, as you can see,

it's a very, very hot day...

and there is

no air conditioning...

so I think we should

get him out of the sun...

as quickly as possible.

Please.

I'll gladly lend a hand.

Please, gentlemen.

Oh, be careful.

This guy needs to go on a diet.

Please, that's the widow, man.

What did she feed the guy?

Life's crazy, isn't it?

Here I am, driving along,

minding my own business...

when opportunity knocks.

Be careful.

All right, get the flowers.

Jesus.

He's in there.

This must be

very stressful for you.

She's got to be well-off.

He'll be all right.

Don't you worry.

This is a nice box.

He must have carried

a big life policy.

Thanks a lot. This isn't

even your funeral.

I do for you, maybe one day

you do for me.

Maybe.

She could use some cheering up

at a time like this...

and people get a lot

of pleasure from a new car.

She'll want to

get on with her life.

Can I?

You can't do this.

You can't sell a widow a car

at her husband's funeral.

People will think that's

a little insensitive.

But most people

think that car salesmen...

are the scum

of the earth, anyway.

May I help you

back to your car?

Thank you.

Your husband must

have been a fine man.

He was a fine man.

A man who took care of you

all of his life.

Never denied you anything.

Nothing.

Ralph denied me nothing.

He was a good provider.

Now that he's gone,

I'm sure he wouldn't want you...

to deny yourself in his absence.

Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.

- What is this?

- My business card.

You're not trying

to sell me a car, are you?

At my husband's funeral?

Before he's even in the ground?

Are you?

You sleaze.

You are the scum of the earth.

Not every sale works out,

but I've got to keep trying...

because you know why?

A lot of them do work out...

and when they do,

I feel great...

because I'm making

someone happy.

It's like I'm making

a friend...

what I like to call

a relationship for life.

I love to sell.

It's pathological, I guess.

At that moment,

that point of sale...

I cannot get any closer

to another human being...

without protection.

A little to the right.

A little to the left.

Good.

...you could drive

the car of your dreams.

Honey.

I'm Big Jack Turgeon...

That was quick!

No, honey.

It's your commercial.

My commercial?

Yeah, babe, look.

There's Dave.

There's Henry.

He's talking, right?

No. He speaks perfect English.

- Who's she?

- That's Molly.

I'm Joey, and I'll put you...

We're closing our doors

after 35 years in one location.

We have got to sell...

It looks very professional.

One day, Sunday!

Frankie.

Joe, come here.

I want to show you something.

What do you think

of that bad boy?

That's really tasteful.

Skulls with death rocks.

Maybe some worms

crawling out of them.

That would really

piss your dad off.

Really?

Good golly, Miss Molly.

You've had the rest,

now have the best.

Joey, I'm with a customer.

You do remember what

a customer looks like?

Jackie, I know I'm late...

but I've been taking

care of business, babe.

I know the kind of business

you're taking care of.

I hustled a new hearse

at a funeral.

Come on, Joey,

don't bullshit me.

This is Jackie

you're talking to.

I'm not bullshitting.

He's coming in tomorrow.

The guy from downtown

is on line one.

Tell him I'll call him later.

God, she just drives me crazy.

Jackie, be a little

more subtle.

She's a married woman.

You don't want to get caught.

Come on. God forgive me.

I just can't help myself.

Hey, who can?

We've got to talk about

the sale tomorrow.

Jackie, I'm ready.

Remember those two guys...

you werert here that day.

Anyway, Dad had

some outside experts...

come by to check our operation.

They recommended

we reduce the sales force...

when we move

to the new location.

How many you going to lose?

Molly's gonna stay

because she sells cars.

Dad's got a big heart,

so maybe one or two others.

What are you talking about?

We're the guys.

We made this place.

Come on, Joey. Read the sign.

Big Jack Turgeon made the place.

He made you. He taught you how

to sell and he made you rich.

You'd still be rich if you

didn't blow it on babes.

I'm having a few problems,

some of them personal.

But I'm working them out.

I'll be back better than ever.

Well, get back by tomorrow

because you've got to...

close a dozen units to make

an impression on the old man.

Otherwise, you're gone.

What are you talking about,

twelve units by tomorrow?

Yeah, today and tomorrow.

Today's dead. No one's

gonna come in today...

if they know they can

get it tomorrow on sale.

Well, I know. Get on

your horse, cowboy.

Well, I know. Get on

your horse, cowboy.

Call all your old clients,

I'll toss you a few leads.

Do whatever you've got to do

to get people in here.

You've got to sell,

sell, sell, Joey.

It would be terrible

if you werert here anymore.

It'd be a total

f***ing disaster.

Wake up over there.

Wash my car, will you?

Do a good job for once.

I don't care

who your old man is.

Chopsticks. I'm buying.

I'm not talking

about this bullshit now.

Humor him. We'll make it

like the old days.

Anything can happen.

Look at Russia.

If things don't

work out here...

I can sell Lincolns

in Lithuania.

That's a good idea.

Brought that color

right around, huh?

You stop talking now.

Time to eat.

Helen.

Shu mai pork.

Give me some of those shrimp.

Back off. That's not for you.

That's for better table.

This one's for you.

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