Caffeine Page #2

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Now I'm reading.

Why don't you get yourself

a paper?

Can I get

a latte, please?

U h, sure.

Anything else?

No, that's it.

It's a good book.

Yes, it is.

What was all that about?

What was all what about?

The business

with the waiter.

What is wrong with you?

He was mentally

undressing you.

He was doing his job.

Don't be ridiculous.

Doing his job?

Yeah.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna take a piss.

Can you go for a couple

of minutes without flirting

with any strangers?

I can't give that

to our customers, Tom.

It smells like old vomit.

What's it meant to be,

anyway?

That's lasagna.

Lasagna?

Are you joking?

I'm not a chef.

What do you want from me?

You're gay, aren't you?

Gay men are supposed

to be able to cook.

That's conventional.

Here, smell that.

Jesus Christ!

What is that?

It's meant to be lasagna.

It's meant to be

lasagna?

Nobody complained

about it on Tuesday I

I tried to

freshen it up a bit!

My God, I'm doing

the best I can under very

difficult circumstances!

Rachel, smell that.

Tom says it's meant

to be lasagna.

Out of interest,

is anyone planning

on doing the washing up?

Why don't you do it

for a change?

I can't serve that.

You don't wash upl

Does that look

like lasagna?

Willy, Charlie!

People, please!

I can't cope with you acting

like small children.

I know we all feel

like utter sh*t,

but we're just gonna have

to pull together.

Charlie's gone.

U ntil I can replace him,

we're just gonna have

to make do.

I saw him.

We could ask him

to come in.

He's not to come in.

Is that clear?

Yeah.

Go on, Tom.

You help with the customers.

Tell them we're out

of the pasta special.

Bloody twat.

Dylan.

We've got a real nut job.

Table six. You'll have

to deal with her.

No, no chance.

Come on.

I always have to handle

the weirdos in this place.

No. J ust let her sit there.

She'll get bored

and leave.

You two are a couple

of pussies, aren't you?

She's my grandmother.

Your grandmother?

Yeah.

You got a problem?

Does she look freaky lookn'?

That's the way you look like

when you spend half your life

in an institution.

Does Rachel know

she's here?

No, she doesn't.

And you'd better

not tell her,

unless you want these tongs

to be a permanent part

of your anatomy.

Wait until she gets here.

Find yourself a random girl.

Shag her. Dump her.

That ought to sort you right.

Out.

What?

What is it?

Mate, I think your luck

just came in.

The table over there,

right behind you.

Do you recognize that bird?

No.

Who is she?

Mate, she's a bloody

porn actress.

Wait here.

I'm gonna talk to her

for you.

Don't be insane.

What are you gonna say?

A mate split up

with her girlfriend and needs

a little female company.

No, you can't say that.

Sure I can.

The drugs have f***ed

with your brain.

Rubbish.

Going over there.

Don't do it.

It's gonna end in tears.

Probably mine.

[Clears throat]

H i there.

Hello.

Look, l...

I hope you don't mind me

coming over here or anything,

but, uh,

I just had to tell you

that I...

really love your work.

I mean, I think that you

bring pleasure

to a lot of men.

Myself included.

I'm sorry?

You know, with the films

you are in.

No, I don't know.

Yeah, you do.

There was that one you did.

It was brilliant.

Walking to the men's song

and end up being shagged

by three blokes.

What the hell

is going on?

H i.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

We're just...

This guy has

mistaken me

for someone else.

Really?

Are you sure...

She said that you had

the wrong person.

Oh, right.

Okay, yes.

Sorry about that.

That's, uh, fair enough.

Sorry, mate.

[Clears throat]

What happened?

Wrong girl, apparently.

F***ing nob.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

He's not worth it,

you know.

It's not just Charlie.

Then what is it?

I've applied for a job

at the Marion.

The Marion?

Bloody hell.

Yeah. The manager

position was up.

I've had two interviews,

and now the owner wants to come

here to check out the cafe.

He's coming today.

Like he couldn't come

any other day.

Christ, Rachel.

Am I hallucinating or was

that guy insinuating that

you were in a dirty movie?

I think he might

have been.

How dare he?

I'll just go

over there right now

and put him straight.

It was a mistake, Mark.

J ust forget about it.

Forget about it?

I mean, it's not true, is it?

How can you even ask me that?

Of course it's not true.

Do you swear it

on your life?

You want me to swear

on my life?

Yeah. Why not?

If it's not true,

swear on your life.

Because I don't swear

on my life.

I don't!

Fine. J ust look me

in the eye and tell me

that it's not true.

For God sake's, Mark.

It's not true!

My God.

It's true, isn't it?

Mark!

I know when

you're lying to mel

Sh*t.

What do you mean, "sh*t"?

I mean, you weren't supposed

to find out like this.

How could you do

something like this?

It was just to make

some extra money.

It was the only way

I could stay

on the university

and finish

my Comparative

Literature degree.

Jesus Christ!

What are you doing?

Don't be so melodramatic!

It was only sex!

Shh!

Don't say that word.

Look, just tell me,

how many men did you f***

in these things?

I don't know.

What do you mean?

I mean I don't know!

[Moaning]

(Danny)

Wow I

[clears throat]

I've never known a girl

shag so many men

in one go.

It must be some sort

of record.

God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Calm down, Mark.

You're making a scene.

I'm perfectly f***ing calm,

all right?

I'm trying to find out

how many men you

have f***ed in these things.

You do realize that

when you f*** men

for money,

it effectively

makes you a whore.

A filthy f***ing whore!

Sir, you cannot shout

like that in here.

You want me to leave

so that you can f***

my girlfriend?

No, I don't want to f***

your girlfriend.

Oh, really?

All right.

Who here wants to have sex

with my girlfriend, huh?

Come on.

Who wants to ask her?

What's going on?

Vanessa, I'm handling it.

Thank you.

I was going to

ask you to marry me.

Can you believe that?

I wanted you to be

the mother of my children.

Oh, look at that.

He had your whole life

planned out.

What a great guy.

This has absolutely nothing

to do with you.

Is it in your nature

to be this controlling

or are just compensating

for having a small penis?

Vanessa, enough.

Sir, I have to ask you

to take it outside, okay?

Mark, why don't you go outside

and see if you can find

some perspective?

You okay?

Yeah.

Fine, thanks.

You really need

to grow yourself

a decent size pair of balls.

Vanessa, the guy left,

didn't he?

Yeah, he needed

a good walloping.

That was really something.

The way you singlehandedly

f***ed up that couple's

relationship.

That's quite impressive.

It's not my fault

if they can't deal

with their own sh*t.

What's that guy's problem?

So, his girlfriend

is a porn actress.

For one thing,

she's probably extremely

uninhibited in bed.

I bet you she's up

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