Caffeine Page #3

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for all sorts of weird sh*t.

Where're you going?

You can't leave me

on me own.

It'll be two minutes.

Do you think you can just

do whatever you want

and not be punished for?

You sick pervert.

You'll suffer

for what you've done.

You're disgusting.

You should be locked up.

Pervert.

Grandma, what the hell

are you doing?

It's the handling

and the mistreatment.

What's the matter with you?

# Woo-hoo

Woo-hoo #

# Come on,

Come on #

# Woo-hoo

Woo-hoo #

# Come on,

Com on #

What the...

Excuse me.

Can I have a table

for two, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

You didn't hear the way

she was talking to me.

She told me

I was going to suffer.

The woman

is clearly insane.

F*** off!

I'm not sitting

in the toilets all day.

It's your fault

'cause you got me

too stoned, didn't you?

I can't deal

with this sh*t, Danny.

Not now, not...

It's not funny.

I've got a pain

down me left arm.

I could be having

a heart attack.

Okay, mate.

Calm down.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Charlie.

How's Rachel?

Not great.

She says

you're not allowed in.

You have to wait outside.

All right, mate.

Tom, have you got

any idea about this?

I found it in Rachel's office.

No.

Excuse me.

Laura?

You must be Steve.

I'm relieved

I can tell you.

I was worried that Sean

wasn't gonna set me up

with the right minger.

I'd have to dart out

the door.

[Laughs]

Right.

How long do you think

this guy is gonna be?

You gotta take a dump?

Why don't you use

the urinal?

I wanna use the cubicle.

I don't like

taking my penis out

in front of other men.

What are you worried about?

Is it...

I'm not worried

about anything, Danny.

I just find

the whole situation

a bit uncomfortable.

We're just expected

to stand there

and expose our... bits.

You're afraid of getting

an erection, aren't you?

I reckon that's what it is.

You're afraid you'll catch

sight of another man's penis

and you'll sprout

a giant erection.

M ichael, there's nothing

wrong with being gay.

I never said there

was anything wrong

with being gay, did I?

Have you been

waiting long?

Not too long, no.

Oh, good.

I thought I might've been

a bit late, you know.

I've been out

buying meself a new gun.

[Laughs]

Don't worry.

I'm not a nutter

or anything.

It's for pigeons, mostly.

[Laughs]

I kill a lot of pigeons

'round our house, you know.

Cropping on the roof.

And squirrels.

Pfft!

[Laughs]

Dirty little bastards.

It's the latest model.

Twelve gage.

Double barrel shotgun.

Sounds nice.

It's great.

You'd love it.

I'll show it to you.

It's in the car.

No, that's all right.

Thanks.

So, are you

into guns then?

U h... not massively, no.

Sometimes I wish

I was gay.

Really? Wow!

Why is that?

One way to avoid

the gender-divide nightmare.

Think about it.

Never having

to second-guess a woman.

Never having to worry about

what you're gonna say

that was gonna annoy her

or turn her off you.

If you're gay,

you've gotta deal with

getting shagged up the ass.

Are you all right

with that?

Yeah.

At least I know

I was gonna get shagged

up the ass.

Not that uncertainty

that you have with women.

The question hanging over.

Will we, won't we?

I reckon I could go

out there tonight,

find a bloke

and pretty much rest assure

I'd get shagged right up

my back passage.

[Toilet flushes]

Hello.

So how do you know Sean?

Oh, I actually shared

a flat with him, you know.

Back in the day.

Do you remember when

he used to work as a clown

in children's parties?

What was he like

to live with?

Was he fun?

Oh, you don't want to know

about that.

Yeah, I do.

Go on.

Well, I shouldn't

really say this,

but the truth is

Sean spent

most of his time

masturbating.

Oh!

Really?

Any chance he would get.

Morning, noon, or night.

It was like he was addicted

or something.

Don't tell him

I told you this, right?

Because he still doesn't know.

But we once hid

a video camera in

his room and taped him.

[Laughs]

To this day

I have in my house

a video tape

with Sean wanking.

[Laughs]

Got me the funniest thing

you've ever seen

in your life.

All right.

How is it

you know Sean, anyway?

He's my brother-in-law.

Oh, right.

All right?

How are you?

I hope you don't mind.

Angela's on her way.

Oh, right.

We're going to sort out

the flowers for the wedding.

Turns out they lost our order.

Can't believe it.

A week before the wedding.

I wouldn't wanna be

in their shoes with Angela

on the war path.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Listen, uh, David.

I've got something

to show you.

What's that?

This arrived

at my doorstep this morning.

Gee! My God,

what the hell is that?

It's a dead rat, David.

What do you think it is?

What are you doing

with it?

First you've gotta promise me

you're not gonna tell anyone.

Not even Angela.

Do you promise me?

Of course.

I promise.

I remember I used

to go to the Marion

when I was a little girl

and just peek

through the window.

I thought it was

this amazing place.

I'm so close

to getting this job

that all I think about

is that I'll be letting

everyone here.

My dad managed

this place for years.

He actually died here.

He had a heart attack

right here in this kitchen.

J ust feel like

I'd be abandoning

everything he worked for.

Rachel, I really think

you've worked your ass off

here long enough.

Quite frankly, I think

you deserve something more.

Thanks.

Don't tell the others, okay?

I don't want them

getting all neurotic.

Yeah, I won't say a word.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I bet that guy

thinks I'm gay now.

Well, you did say

you were definitely gonna get

f***ed up the ass tonight.

So maybe.

I should go and tell him

I'm not gay.

Who gives a sh*t

if he thinks you're gay?

I don't like

being misrepresented.

[Peeing]

Oh, God.

Mate, what the hell

are you doing in there?

Danny, I think

I might have a problem.

What sort of problem?

When I go to the toilet,

it kind of comes out

in dribs and drabs.

[Laughs]

I think I've got a problem

in me prostate.

I'm sacred

I might be developing

a cancer.

But you're not a doctor.

You can't diagnose yourself

with cancer.

You see?

I've had it

for about three weeks.

It's not getting

any better.

I put my symptoms into

the I nternet and I got 3, 000

results for prostate cancer.

I'm genuinely scared,

Danny.

You should go to a doctor.

I guarantee he'll tell you

it's nothing.

What are you doing?

You can't smoke that

in here?

Keep your pants on.

So, I'd just been down the pub

for a couple of pints.

Janey's been a total

nightmare at the moment.

She's stressed out

by the f***ing baby.

I just needed

some time by myself.

So, it's about 11: 30

and on my way home.

And I really badly needed

a slash.

So, I go down the alleyway

behind the pub,

and I'm just about

to have a piss

up against the wall

when I hear

someone coming, right?

Well, first I think,

sh*t, you know,

I'm gonna be marked

or murdered or something.

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