Caffeine Page #4

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But then I turn around

and there's just this

little girl staring up at me.

And I'm quite

freaked out.

I'm looking at her,

and I don't realize

that I have still got

my cock in my hand.

Jesus!

So what happened?

Well, she just stares at me

for a while,

and then she gets this, like,

weird, horrified look

comes over her face.

Then she runs off screaming,

"There's a pervert

wanking off down the alleyway."

"Wanking off"?!

[Clears his throat]

Can I get you anything?

U m, yeah.

I'll have

a cappuccino, please.

I'll have a latte,

please.

Sure.

Wanking off? My God!

So, what did you do?

Obviously, I got out of there

as fast as I could.

But I was almost home

when a police car

pulls me over

and tells me I match

the description of a pervert

they've been looking for.

They took me down the station

and charged me with public

indecency involving a minor.

The girl was 12 years old,

and she's walking the streets

at that time at night.

It's a disgrace!

Charlie!

How're you doing, man?

I'm doing terrible.

Do you know

where this comes from?

No.

I found it on the floor

in Rachel's office.

Really?

Yeah, really.

And you think

she used it with someone.

I don't know.

I can't think about that

at the moment.

Why did you do it, Charlie?

It was a threesome

with two girls.

They were

identical twins, Dylan.

What the f***

I was supposed to do?

What the hell

did you tell her for?

I don't know.

Honestly, I just

hated going to her.

I couldn't do it anymore.

And then when the booze

came out,

it just... came out.

More and more and more.

I couldn't stop it.

Truth fully,

I absolutely screwed up,

because I love that girl.

Do you think

she's gonna forgive me?

It doesn't look good.

I gotta go.

Take care.

Yeah.

Thank you.

He's over there.

Excuse me.

I ordered...

Oh, bollocks.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

I'm sorry about this.

Did you see him?

He's over there.

Do you want

to get me fired?

No, of course not,

dear.

J ust sit here.

Vanessa, what's going on?

Nothing.

She's my grandmother.

She gets one day

out of the home a month,

and it was my turn

to look after her.

She can't stay here.

Please, Rachel,

I promise you it'll be fine.

You won't have to worry.

What happened to her?

She came home one day

to find her husband of 20

years dressed up as a baby

with a big nappy on,

and being spanked

by a prostitute

in a nursemaid's outfit.

Look, today's a big day

for me, Vanessa.

J ust make sure

she doesn't mess it up, okay?

Tom, I'm gonna take

five minutes.

Okay.

I'm telling you, mate,

you should try

some of this.

How many times

do I have to tell you?

I don't want any of it.

[Coughing]

God!

What the hell

is going on in here?

Are you doing drugs?

No.

It's, uh...

It's my friend's.

He uses this

for medical reasons.

Then why

are you smoking it?

Because...

[clears throat]

Shall we go for dinner

some time?

J ust get out.

I'm really sorry.

Why did you tell her

I had medical problems?

You had the medical problem.

What difference does it make?

Besides, you're the one

with the dodgy prostate.

What about the thing

in the bag?

It came with a note saying,

"I know where you live."

It's perfectly obvious.

They put the packet

in my doorstep.

Jesus, John!

Is there anything

I can do to help?

Well, here's the thing.

When the police arrested me,

I was a bit flustered,

as you can imagine.

So, when they questioned me,

I denied having been anywhere

near the alleyway.

So, what did you tell them?

I told them

I was with you.

You told them

you where with me?

Yeah, at your house.

You told them

you were at my house?

Yeah.

John, I'm a lawyerl

That's why I thought of it!

They'd never suspect you.

Are you joking?

Now the police

are going to contact me,

and I'm gonna have to lie

and tell them

you were at my house!

It's not okay?

No! No, it's not okay.

What if they found out

I was lying?

I wouldn't be able

to practice law again.

What the hell

were you thinking?

I didn't know

what else to do!

(Charlie)

Vanessa.

You're not supposed

to be here.

Ouch!

Give me one second,

all right?

I found this

in Rachel's office.

That's nice.

Is it yours?

Of course it's not mine.

It has to belong to somebody.

Who's is it?

Look, stop waving

at my face!

I don't know, okay?

But look at the facts.

You tell Rachel

you shagged some other girls.

Ended having

a screaming row with her.

She kicks you out.

She goes up to the office

where she's comforted by Dylan,

and no one sees them

for half an hour.

It doesn't take

a genius, Charlie.

Dylan?

Oh, Christ.

What did you think?

That there was

one rule for you

and another for her?

You know, maybe

she just thought

like you.

She fancied a shag

and Dylan was available.

Dylan?

Why aren't you eating?

I can't eat.

I've got no appetite.

I need some salt.

(female voice)

I'm a teacher.

Bloody hell.

What's the matter?

I don't believe

what I've just seen.

If I tell you,

promise me you're not

going to get upset, okay?

Why would I get upset?

Laura's here.

Laura?

As in... my Laura?

Yeah.

Where is she?

She's over there

behind that pillar.

H i!

I was wondering

if Sam Harvey's back, yet?

I left a message

earlier. It's Dylan.

Tell him I'll call again.

(man over the phone)

I've got your number

right here. 7247, right?

No.

No, it's not 7247.

It's 7267.

Why do you think

I've got it wrong?

'Cause it's my number.

I think I know

my own number.

Right here

it says 7247.

What do you think?

That I gave you

the wrong number

or you wrote it down wrong?

Before I started business,

I used to live

with this geezer,

and he thought it was

gonna get bad. I said,

"Go on your own, then."

He goes on his own,

and the next thing I know

is he falls off the roof.

What was all that about?

He ends up in hospital.

He can't work.

It's definitely her.

Definitely Laura.

Who's the bell-end

she's with?

Bet they're over there

having the time of their life

while I'm suffering in torment.

He is well built.

Hey.

You okay?

What's wrong with me?

Why do I feel like if I

don't get my novel published

my life won't be

worth living?

Dylan, it was only

your first attempt.

A lot of writers wait years

before they get published.

My uncle wrote his whole life.

Didn't get published

until he was 81.

That's good to know.

Thank you.

Sorry.

How're you doing?

Terrible.

I feel like someone took

my brain out of my head

and kicked it

around for a while

and stuck it back in.

Charlie is still waiting

to talk to you.

He can wait all year.

The guy looks

absolutely wrecked, Rachel.

Good!

Don't you think

you should have a little

conversation with him?

He's looking

like a homeless person.

Dylan, you're not

gonna make feel guilty.

[Clears throat]

We'd better get back

to work.

Oh, I'm so hungry

I could eat

an entire animal.

Do you know

what I mean?

Not those little

vegetarian meals you get

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