Caffeine Page #5

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at some of these places.

You're not one of those,

are you?

One of what?

Vegetarian.

Actually, I, I am

one of those.

Yeah.

Thats' fair enough.

It happens I've met several

and they seem like

perfectly normal people.

Why shouldn't they be?

Exactly.

I'm not saying

I understand them,

but each to their own.

That's what I say.

God knows I've got

some pretty warped

ideas meself.

What's warped about

being a vegetarian?

Nothing.

I'm just saying.

That it's warped

not wanting some animals

to suffer for no good reason?

Going to get all militant?

I'm just stating

an opinion.

And there's nothing wrong

with a woman having

her own opinions.

What does that mean?

There's nothing wrong

with it.

Of course there's

nothing wrong

with it.

Exactly!

What you really

want to do is

make her jealous.

How the hell

am I gonna do that?

Easy.

If you got together

with that porn actress,

I bet that

would make her jealous.

Have you ever suffered

a serious head injury?

Forget it I

I'm not going to lie

to the police.

No! Do you have any idea

what Angela'd do to me

if she finds out?

Jesus! That woman

rules your life!

That is not the point.

So, what do you

expect me to do?

I don't know.

You'll have to go

back to them

and tell them

you made a mistake.

Tell them I made a mistake?

They're gonna think

I'm guilty as hell.

You should've thought

about that before you decided

to show your cock

to an under-aged girl.

My God.

You think I did it,

don't you?

Well, wouldn't be

the first time you've strayed

from the path, would it?

How can you compare

that to this?

That is completely irrelevant.

I don't think my Aunt Betsy

would agree with you there.

I was 12 years old!

Besides, I don't know why

you're getting on your moral

high horse about.

When we all know about

your foibles.

Foibles?

What do you mean?

You know exactly

what I'm talking about.

How do you think

Angela would take it

if she found out about that?

Rachel, I need to talk to you.

Give me one minute.

Call the police, Vanessa.

Call the police.

Go on, pick that phone up.

I'll go to prison.

God knows I deserve it.

Rachel.

I f***ed up,

I know I did.

But that didn't mean

anything to me.

And I know that

whatever mistakes we've made...

M istake we've made?

Yes!

I don't care

what you did.

I just know that

we can work through this.

I don't wanna break up.

That's it.

Time's up.

Don't be bloody ridiculous.

That wasn't a minute.

Piss off!

Please, Rachel.

I'll make it up.

I promise.

They weren't even

that attractive.

Give me another chance.

(woman)

Go on, Rachel,

he's a good lad.

Give him another chance.

Yeah, don't be tight-assed.

Come on.

Out you go.

Come on.

Are you okay?

Not really.

You're doing

the right thing, Rachel.

Am I?

Look, just in case

you haven't worked it out

for yourself,

basically men are scum.

They can't see

beyond their own d*cks,

which in the majority

of cases isn't very far.

The only time they appreciate

what they really had, is when

they'd already f***ed it up.

They think women should be

these virginal creatures

that bring up their babies,

and serve them breakfast,

and wipe their noses,

and then suddenly transform

into these sexual objects

for their pleasure.

I like a good f***

now and then,

but I'm not gonna be

some man's subservient

mother-whore fantasy.

Is this going

anywhere, Vanessa?

I'm just saying

that you're free now

to explore your options,

you know.

This is the 21 st

century, Rachel.

You should be getting

out there shagging around

and having some fun.

That's not really me,

though, is it?

Isn't it?

Rachel, phone call.

Hello?

(woman)

He'll be there in 20 minutes.

Are you gonna be okay?

Sure.

Okay, thanks

for letting me know.

Bye.

Excuse me.

I ordered a green salad

about half an hour ago.

Mate, we've been sitting here

and we haven't ordered yet.

These chips

taste like feet.

If you wanted

to keep it a secret,

you did do a very good job

by leaving the condom wrapper

on the floor.

What in the bloody hell

are you two doing?

Am I literally the only

person doing any work?

What's going on?

There's chaos.

People are walking out.

Nobody's making any food.

All right.

Let's get things

back in order.

Vanessa, Dylan, you keep

the customers happy till

Tom and I sort this out.

All right,

let's get to work.

You do know this is

blackmail, don't you?

I wouldn't call it that.

It doesn't matter

what you call it.

But you don't seem to be

appreciating how f***ed I'll

be if this thing comes out.

This is not the way

to deal with things.

You leave me no choice.

Don't be such a child!

You leave me no choice.

You leave me no choice!

I swear, if you say that again,

I will stab you in the head

with this knife.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Do you want anything

from the menu now?

No, thank you.

If you could just give us

a couple more minutes,

it would be lovely.

Thanks.

Hello, boys!

So, what's been going on?

Are they gonna take

our order in here or what?

Look, I'm sorry.

I just don't think

it's gonna work out.

What?

There's just no

possibility of anything.

Why? I mean,

what's wrong?

Well, it's just everything.

The whole package.

To be honest,

I don't know what Sean

was thinking

of getting us together

in the first place.

I think I'm just gonna go.

No, no, no.

It's okay.

I'll go. I mean,

this place isn't really

my cup of tea, anyway.

I guess I'll...

see you then.

Yeah, see you.

So, John, did David

fill you in on all the wedding

details and everything?

Yeah, pretty much.

Did you hear about these

bloody flower people?

M m-hm.

Okay.

What the f***'s

going on here?

What do you mean?

Why are you two acting

like a couple

of dumb animals?

We've just been

sitting here talking.

About what?

I've got some legal

stuff to deal with.

What kind of legal stuff?

It's nothing

to worry about.

I'm a lawyer, too, John.

Do you think I can't offer

anything to the situation?

No, of course not.

But David has agreed

to help me out.

I haven't agreed

to anything.

Don't you think you should,

given the circumstances?

What circumstances?

Right, that's it.

David, I want to know

what's going on,

and I want to know now.

I've got something

that I need to tell you.

Don't be a fool,

David.

What is it?

It's something that

I should've told you

a long time ago,

and I am so sorry

that I haven't.

For God sake,

just spit it out.

I sometimes wear your clothes

when you're out of the house.

What?

Actually he only wears

your underwear.

(female voice)

Excuse me.

This tea is cold.

I did bring you that tea

about 20 minutes ago.

It was cold

when you brought it.

That's ridiculous.

Are you arguing with me?

You know what?

Why don't I just bring you

a new one?

Is this some kind

of sick joke?

No.

Are you gay?

No, I'm not gay.

Then what the f***

is this?

He's a transvestite.

Will you shut up?

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