Calamity Jane

[Upbeat instrumenta pioneer music]

COWBOY:
The Deadwood stage!

[Horses gaoping]

[Sings upbeat pioneer song]

[andoin pays]

[nstrumenta pioneer music]

[Cheering and shouting]

[Sings upbeat wecome song]

[Caamity sings upbeat pioneer song]

[Laughter and cheers]

[Cheering]

[Pisto shot]

[Sudden sience]

ake mine sarsaparia.

[Laughter]

t ain't so funny.

Any excitement on this trip, Caam?

Excitement! Why, got more arrows

in the back...

of that coach

than a porcupine's got stickers!

Seemed ike the whoe Sioux nation.

CALATY:
Hey, where is that sarsaparia?

BARAN:
Here you are.

[Shouting of drink orders]

[Sharp whiste]

[Yes]

[Native American music]

FRYER:
No, pease. Don't. Don't!

s there a woman in here?

FRYER:
No, sir. Just ndians.

Where is my actress?

Without warning, down they come out

of them his howing ike sous in torment.

There must have been 100 of them.

[Laughter]

t weren't no aughing matter.

Sure, it wasn't. 'd hate to have

a war party that big on my tai!

You know, Bi, except for me...

you're the ony other gaoot in the word

coud have brought that coach in.

Of course,

it caed for some mighty rapid shooting.

y gun got so hot,

had to sit with my egs stretched out...

hoding the muzze of my gun between

my feet to keep it from curing up.

must have kied at east 30 of them

before they got discouraged.

[Whiste, foowed by aughter]

've got to see to the horses.

[Whip cracks]

How many of them njuns

you reckon shot, Rattesnake?

About 30, reckon, Caam.

That's better. Next time te a story,

keep your hands in your pockets...

you toothess od buffao!

BARAN:
Come and get them.

BARAN:
Who wants cigarettes?

Just came in on the stage. A doar a pack.

Look at them, snapping at those cigarettes

ike a bunch of sik-goved dudes.

-Another dying Robert E. Lee.

- got Genera Grant.

-Queen Victoria.

-Carnsarn boat again.

've got her!

AN:
' give you $5 for it.

woudn't take $50,

because 'm keeping her cose to my heart.

-What you suppose is getting into them?

-t's Adeaid, Caamity. Adeaid.

What's an Adeaid?

She's a hope. A dream. A vision.

You see her carved on the prow

of an ancient ship...

in the dying embers of the camp fire.

Circe, Aphrodite, Heen of Troy.

n this case, it's Adeaid Adams.

A that in a pack of cigarettes?

BLL:
Beautifu, ain't she?

She's got nothing on but her underwear!

Them is tights, Caam.

She is a great actress, so they te me.

She's charming, a ovey figure,

everything a woman ought to be.

She ooks ike a fat,

fried-up side of undressed beef to me.

coud ook the same.

Except 've got ideas about modesty.

t ain't one man woudn't ride 100 mies

just for one gimpse of iss Adams.

You, maybe.

Some of that scum around here.

But a genteman woudn't ook twice

at such a picture.

A genteman ike Lt. Gimartin?

Yes, now that you mention it.

Like Lt. Gimartin.

You're kind of stuck on him, ain't you?

Ain't saying unti he does.

Where's he been, anyway?

thought he'd be here to meet the stage.

He's on duty at the Fort, guess.

Last time saw him was a week ago.

He came in to buy a pack

of them cigarettes.

r. ier, pease.

Nobody pays any attention to me.

LLER:
Why shoud they?

But, r. ier, you're expecting me.

'm Francis Fryer.

Where is my actress?

The one who wrote me the etter

about my ad in the Chicago newspaper?

hired her.

She's supposed to be here. Look.

l'm advertising her.

We, that's me.

You're her?

No, 'm not her. You see, 'm....

Look. ''Francis Fryer.''

You're Francis Fryer?

You deceived me. You're fired.

No, you're not fired.

've got to have somebody.

'm ruined.

advertised an actress. When that crowd

sees you tonight, they' ynch me.

Go hide in my office.

[Loud taking]

Te us a about it.

What happened? Who got you?

ndians. War party.

There were five of us: Two surveyors

and a ieutenant from the Fort.

They jumped us at Eage Pass.

They kied the surveyors

and the ieutenant.

-What ieutenant?

-Gimartin, his name was.

-They got Danny Gimartin?

-They got him, a right. The others, too.

AN:
The rotten savages!

How did they get him? Quick?

Cean? n the heart?

- reckon. Or in the head.

-aybe both.

Don't you know?

They got him penty.

They got him quick and fast.

His horse went down.

He died right where he fe.

Didn't you go back and find out for sure?

How coud we? They chased us

for 10 mies, showering us with arrows.

You eft him, didn't you?

You never went back to see if

he was dead or aive.

You sab-sided, white-beied coyotes.

You eft Danny

ike woudn't eave a hurt dog!

-Caam, where are you going?

-To get Danny.

[Dramatic instrumenta music]

[Sow drums beating]

[Rhythmic Native American music]

[Horse snorts]

Let's go!

[Shots firing]

[Dramatic Native American music]

[Horses neighing and shots firing]

[Upbeat instrumenta pioneer music]

CALATY:
Are you okay?

DANNY:
Yeah. Just untie me.

CALATY:
Get on the horse.

[Upbeat instrumenta pioneer music]

Why do we have to ride the same horse?

We coud've grabbed an ndian pony.

t's cozier this way.

[Honky-tonk music]

AN:
What happened then, Caam?

give him a buet

right between the eyebas.

Then me and Danny it out,

two more of them coming after us.

shot them both. Didn't , Danny?

-Why.... We....

-You kied four of them?

-That's a there were.

-You're the gir to do it, too.

What's the matter with you?

Don't you beieve me?

Sure.

Ony, with you kiing off

them redskins so fast...

was wondering why the government

even bothered to send the army.

[Pisto shot]

Are you caing me a iar again?

[Sudden sience]

Why don't you ever fix your hair?

DANNY:
Adeaid Adams! got her! Look!

didn't save you for no other femae.

[Drum ro]

[Appause and whistes]

Gentemen and.... Gentemen.

[Appause and cheers]

n keeping with the poicy

of the Goden Garter...

which strives to bring to Deadwood

the best in entertainment...

regardess of the expense...

it is my great peasure

to present to you now...

that ovey star, that toast of New York,

iss Frances Fryer!

[Appause and cheers]

[Honky-tonk music]

-Come on. Get out there.

-f go on as a woman, they' murder me.

f you don't, they' murder you.

And me, too. Now, get out there.

-Do you see what see?

-She ain't very good-ooking.

That ain't a she ain't.

[Sings payfu song in fasetto]

[Loud whiste]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Laughter and appause]

[Laughter]

[an murmurs to Fryer]

[Shouting]

[Loud crash]

[Angry hissing and booing]

ier is in for it now.

Pease, can expain. may have

made a mistake about his gender...

but not his taent. He's a great actor.

LLER:
He's wonderfu. f you'd give us

a chance. ' make it up to you.

You'll have a good time.

Gosh, Bi, they're a waking out of here.

This wi ruin iie.

-Do something.

-Do what?

Listen to me!

Listen to me, you mangy groundhogs!

This ain't no way to treat iie.

You woudn't have a theater without him.

Can't a man make a mistake in this town?

We ain't suckers. He promised us

a New York actress. Look what we got!

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