California Scheming

1

-What do you think you're doing,

jackass?!

Oh.

-What are you doing?

Come on.

-It's okay, little guy.

-You're kidding me.

-I'll take care of you.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

-That looks pretty bad.

-That's obvious.

Some idiotic neighborhood kid

shot him with a slingshot.

Think it got him in the neck.

- It's a good shot.

I wouldn't waste my time on it.

It looks like he doesn't have

much juice left in him.

-I guess we could take a look.

-All right.

Come hold him.

--Try to hold his wings down.

- F***ing hate birds.

-Feels like...

Yeah, it's definitely a nail.

-We used to do that

when we were kids, dude.

Remember?

Uh, I-it looks really bad.

We should just put him

out of his misery, really.

-I could try to pull the nail

out of his neck.

-You think you can do it?

-I could try.

-Man.

So, I'm Jason.

-I'm Nick.

Wait. I think I...

I got it.

-We need to clean him up

and see if he can eat.

Jason, why don't you

check the fridge

and see if we've got anything?

-I'll just check the trash can.

That's where he usually eats.

Um, so, where are you from?

-I'm from New York,

but after her second divorce,

my mother moved us

out to the west coast.

-What school do you go to?

-Archer.

All green dresses

and only nice girls.

What about you two?

-Uh, I go to Harvard-westlake,

and Nick is our public-school

boy, going to Malibu high.

Go, sharks.

-Chloe, where are you?

I know you're here somewhere.

What the hell

is happening in here?

Are you bleeding?!

Why are you guys

trying to kill a bird

in my kitchen?

Is this some sort of new thing?

And, Chloe, why aren't you

answering me when I call you?

-Meet Nick and Jason.

We found this bird on the beach,

and Nick pulled a nail

out of its neck.

Now I'm trying

to make him pretty again.

-It's really nice to meet you,

Mrs...

-Vandersteen.

It's Mrs. vandersteen.

-It's really nice to meet you,

Mrs. vandersteen.

I'm Jason Rourke.

-As you can see,

we're pretty busy.

What do you want?

-I wanted to let you know

that I'm having

a visitor tonight,

so I would appreciate it

if you didn't come upstairs.

Do me a flavor --

clean this crap up, okay?

-Of course.

It's good to meet you.

-It was nice...

- Shut up, dude!

I'm better than you!

-F*** you!

- When we come

when we come

-Hand me my phone.

Sweet.

Yo, she sent me a message.

-What?

-It's a video.

-The f***?

-Hi, boys.

I just wanted to say thank you

for helping me

with this little guy.

Really means a lot.

If you're not busy

tomorrow afternoon,

you should come by my place.

I'd love to see you.

-Dude, she was

f***ing naked in that!

-No, she wasn't!

-She was

definitely f***ing naked!

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

-All right.

Let's -- let's watch it again.

She was not naked.

-F*** you, dude.

-Hi, boys.

-Oh, my God.

She's naked!

-She's absolutely naked.

Who does that?!

-Really means a lot.

-We've hit the lottery

with this f***ing girl, bro.

-Have you got a new pet?

-Oh, the gull.

That's one

of Chloe's experiments.

I'm surprised

it survived the night.

-Who's Chloe?

-Never mind.

Never mind.

- You walk

with a dirty swagger

-That's it.

- You put your eyes

in a dagger

you take a look at me

you were a part

of the dance party

whoa

whoa

-Go.

- Whoo

-I know you asked for water,

but these are way better.

- Cool.

- Wow.

-So, uh, how's our gull doing?

-Much better.

He's on the upper deck.

Made it through the night,

but I had to shorten his leash.

My mom went to the city

for the night.

So...

...you want to pop off?

-What?

-Lily!

-Chloe! My girl.

What's up?

Where are you?

-I'm in Malibu, and I miss you.

How's New York?

-Malibu?

Wow. You guys

are really moving around.

I miss you, too.

Looks like you're not alone.

Who are those two cuties?

Hi, guys.

-Hey.

-Yo!

-Too bad I can't be there

to hang out with you guys.

But let me guess.

You want to pop off, right?

-Absolutely.

And who would know better

than you?

-One condition.

Those two

have to take off their shirts.

-Come on.

What are you waiting for?

- Dude, are you serious?

-Come on, dude.

Girl, where did

you find those two puppies?

By the way, I'm sure

you've already heard,

but mission accomplished.

-Really?

That was fast.

No, I've not heard about it.

You are so fantastic and evil.

I love it!

-She had a nervous breakdown

after she figured out

we posted that little

nasty video clip of hers.

She was such an easy target.

God, I love cyberbullying.

School must have been so boring

before the Internet.

-She deserves it.

You have no idea

how much I hate that b*tch.

-No problem.

There goes

another Mary poppins.

But back

to more important things.

Looks like

we have everything we need.

Okay. Take two of the vicodins

and one of the ambulare.

Then wait 20 minutes

before you take two

of each of the proful

and the chromoful.

Should last you all day

and do the trick.

When you wake up

in the morning,

you'll still feel

like a butterfly.

Have fun, girl.

And you two

can put your shirts back on.

-Thanks, lily.

You're the best.

- Ta-ta.

- I walked in on a plan

to dissolve all of your wishes

but I didn't understand

I was a cold tear in your eyes

-Ahh.

- What's in it for someone

with nothing to do?

what's in it for me?

- What's in it for someone

with nothing to do?

what's in it for me?

-Feels like my brain isn't

connected to my body anymore.

-Did you guys get that little

clip I sent you last night?

-F***, yeah, we did.

That was so -- that was so cool.

That was so awesome.

-I like to make videos, post

them on Facebook or YouTube.

It's part of my master plan

to become famous.

-Famous for what?

-Doesn't really matter.

Just famous.

Bottom line is that...

You have to go the full 9 yards,

and...

Those last few yards

can take you to some

really dark places, you know?

Sometimes when my mother

is sleeping with some...

Producer or manager guy...

She gets herself auditions

for TV shows.

Small roles, but...

I just don't think that's

the way it works, you know?

For me

it's about one thing --

be good...

Or be good at it.

Press "record."

You can touch me if you want.

-Now it's your turn.

Let's go skinny-dipping.

Come on!

-Dude.

- What's in it for someone

with nothing to do?

what's in it for me?

- What's in it for someone

with nothing to do?

what's in it for me?

- What's in it for someone

with nothing to do?

-Oh, yeah.

That is very true!

For one time...

For one time

in your goddamn life...

Be honest with me, William!

Did you ever love me?

Did you ever love me?!

Tell me, did you ever love me?!

-I don't know.

I don't know.

- It's late.

Where you been?

-With Jason.

-You know, I feel like I don't

ever get to see you anymore.

-Mom told me about your show.

I'm sorry.

I thought it was kind of cool.

-Oh, I just wish

that you ran the network.

Ahh.

They tested it for the audience,

and they didn't like it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes