California Split Page #2

The man is totally out of line.

They've been smiling at each other all night.

Come on, will you?

- Sit down and settle down.

- Get control.

Come on.

All right.

- All right, now who else saw this?

- I didn't see it.

- What about you?

- What do you want me to say?

The man calls you a cheater.

The man doesn't know how to play poker.

The man is bad. He's a complete a**hole.

We all know that, right?

The man goes broke, he can't handle it.

The man is on tilt.

You want to hear any more?

- Not me.

- Come on, now.

You'd better just take it easy, sport,

'cause the security's liable to let you go!

Put that guy in a horror show.

That's it! Any more fighting, and you guys

go out of here for good, all right?

All right!

Miriam, what do you say?

I say I can do without

any more of that language.

- Right.

- You think there's any cheating going on?

I wouldn't like to say about that.

They've been consistent winners.

And I'm a big loser.

And you know I know how to play poker.

Sour grapes, honey.

All right, let's get it back to normal.

Lousy punk.

- You're not that good.

- Up yours.

Sir, would you like another beer?

...I bet it on Notre Dame 'cause

I got a feeling Notre Dame would pull it off.

They beat UCLA when

they had so many games going straight.

Yeah, it's kind of similar

to the Miami Dolphins.

- This particular game is duck soup.

- They won 17 games straight last year.

Come on.

I can beat that goddamn miserable game.

Don't make me beg for a stinking $30.

I'm sorry.

You know, your attitude

just pisses me off sometimes, Button-nose.

Don't call me that.

Now look. There you go again.

I'm not doing anything.

I need about $80 to get to the track.

Not bad.

- Sir, can I help you?

- Cold beer. Keg draft.

I'm buying that man

sitting over there a beer.

Turned out to be a drinking man?

Nothing personal,

but I already got a beer. Thanks.

Great.

- So, you think the Knicks are gonna win?

- Yeah.

No, Knicks ain't going to win nothing.

Willis is hurting. Knicks ain't winning.

Celtics, this year.

You follow pro basketball?

- Anything, right?

- Whatever's going.

Yeah, me too. Action.

Are you gonna give me the $30 or not?

I have to buy this man a drink.

Will you have a beer?

I will definitely have a beer.

Give my friend here a beer.

$1 says you don't know who Glenn Riggs is.

- What's your name?

- Vince. The name's Vince.

Glenn Riggs was the announcer

for Hop Harrigan.

- What do you want $30 for?

- I need it for that girl I got in the bathroom.

I'm only the relief bartender.

I don't go in the cash register.

- Where's Jack? What is this?

- Jack went to a funeral.

I've been working here for one year, right?

Just give me a piece of paper, a chit.

"$30, Renee." Okay?

If I give you $30 and I come up short,

it'll be your ass.

Baby, you were born short.

And it's always my ass.

Captain Midnight!

This guy giving you trouble?

He ain't the regular man.

- $30.

- I wouldn't sign anything.

Don't sign a thing. Don't sign anything.

What did you get her to sign?

- Here, Mother.

- Thanks, baby.

You won't be sorry.

Don't worry now, I can beat it.

Goodbye.

$20 says you can't name the Seven Dwarfs.

- I know I can name three or four of them.

- Seven.

I got seven.

- Doc.

- That's one.

- Dopey.

- That's two.

- Snoopy.

- There is no Snoopy.

There ain't no Snoopy. I know there's Doc...

there's Dopey, there's Grumpy, there's...

- You don't have $20 here.

- Wait a second. I got $20 right here.

- I need a little help here. What about...

- Here comes seven like a Gatling gun.

- Seven Dwarfs, I'm ready.

- Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc.

- That's four.

- That's three.

- I'm with you.

- Wait a second. Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc.

Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey.

- Dopey.

- We got Dumbo.

- There's no Dumbo.

- Dumbo wasn't in that cast?

- No Dumbo.

- Gotcha.

- Dumbo flew.

- Well, we both lose?

Remember when Dumbo flew?

They set that little house on fire.

I've seen an elephant walk,

but I never seen an elephant fly.

- My God.

- I know.

Dumbo flew.

A lot of black folks said

that was bad news...

seeing a black crow sing about

a big flying elephant. What's that?

It's taboo. No black crows.

Judgment day, you know, I know

Aristis, Arastis, Johnson Brown

What you gonna do

when the rent come round?

You in the park?

No, I haven't got a car. I just live... Not far.

I like to live close to the action,

you know, William?

Come on, I'll give you a lift.

You're going to give me a lift?

That's a good idea.

You know, I know

the rent means dough

Landlord gonna throw

us in the co-co snow

Aroostis, Arastis, Johnson Brown

What you gonna do

when the rent comes round?

What you gonna say? How you gonna pay?

William, you're a minstrel?

Man, I hate key stuff.

Look in his side pocket.

He's got my goddamn money somewhere.

Right here.

- You got it?

- Yeah.

I hope you loved that, Funny Man.

Okay, folks,

will you just relax and follow me, please?

What is this, a hospital or a jail?

What's going on?

This is William. This is Barbara.

She's getting us out of here.

Thanks a lot.

You ever been in jail in New York?

They give you powdered eggs.

Powdered, shitty...

The shittiest food in the world.

I can't believe you haven't been in jail.

What are you doing?

Just trying some of the hot one.

It really works. Here, you want to try some?

Come on, the heat makes it feel good.

Listen to me, I got experience.

Yeah, easy.

Just don't touch it with the can. Easy now.

- Not bad?

- That's nice.

That's okay. Last year, year and a half,

I must have hit...

about 30 different racetracks

in every little town and city I've been to.

- Yeah, how'd you do?

- Tapioca time. El Busto.

I'll give you a great ace in the hole.

If you find yourself busted in a small town...

Say, is there anything I should know

about this?

Listen, fellows, it's breakfast time.

We got Lucky Charms and...

- What's with this?

- Froot Loops.

- Froot Loops? Have some waffles...

- I'll take some coffee.

Blueberry pancakes.

You'd still be in jail if that guy

hadn't given me that $50.

But... chicken.

...a strange town

you head straight to the ice cream people...

and pick yourself up an ice cream cart.

They got lots of them.

They don't care who you are

or what you look like.

- Something to eat. It's roughage.

- Believe me, nothing.

Desperate people.

They give you a funny little white jacket

and you're on your way.

How much do you make in a thing like that?

You could pick up a snappy $25

in less than an hour.

- How do you do that?

- You keep it all.

You don't think I'm talking about

working this job legit?

- Your favorite:
Lucky Charms.

- Can I have a beer, honey?

- You want a cold beer?

- No, thanks.

It goes good with your Froot Loops.

- Get some milk, honey.

- Got it.

That shaving cream's not going to stain

your white sweater. Don't worry.

Nobody's going to tell your mother.

Just put it down and it'll all wash out.

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