California Split Page #3

Let me taste it for you.

- What is this?

- That crap.

- Come on, we got company.

- I tried to make it look nice.

That looks better.

Here, baby.

One time, right, I had this job

selling ad space in a labor union magazine.

Non-existent.

Just get on the telephone,

call people and say:

"Do you want to buy some space?"

- Help yourself. Ain't bad. Just last night's.

- I just need the spoon.

A little pt de foie garbage.

Then you get to keep

45% of what you pick up.

How come you don't get to keep all of it

if it's non-existent?

I'm not picking it up,

I'm just talking on the telephone.

- Yeah, right.

- What do you do?

- What do you do for a living?

- I'm with a magazine.

- You a writer?

- Yeah.

Say!

Do you remember the first bet

you ever made on a sport event?

- Do you?

- I bet a nickel...

in the 1945 World Series.

The Cubs and Tigers.

Don't laugh. I lost. Susan's home.

Five-cent bet and I lost.

- I didn't expect to lose.

- Susan, honey.

I didn't have the nickel, right?

So this guy Mikey asked my mother.

I've been trying to beat it ever since.

What is it?

- Did he hurt your feelings?

- No.

- You can scratch him off the book, honey.

- I don't want to scratch him off my book.

Here's the baby of the house now.

Sweetheart, would you like

some Froot Loops?

- Come on. Therapy.

- No therapy.

What's shaking, baby?

I just want to go to bed.

Take your coat off, sweetheart.

Come on, now, you're starting to get

that Halloween look on your face.

It was just... He was really different.

- Guy wasn't out of line with you, was he?

- No.

- We had such a good time.

- Yeah? Guy was fresh, was he?

You know what he did? He gave me $50.

- That was the deal, wasn't it?

- No, the deal was for $30.

He liked you a lot, too, sweetheart.

- How come you were picked up?

- Drunk and disorderly.

- Well, Charlie's not too good with cops.

- He certainly lets them know it.

This is the truth.

You're an animal lover, right?

The great blue whale, right?

You know about a great blue whale?

- That wrestling guy?

- No, it's a big fish.

There's only about two or three

left in the world.

And the truth,

the tongue of the great blue whale...

weighs more than

a full-grown African elephant.

- No, it's not true.

- You don't believe it?

You're just making it up

to make me feel better.

'Cause you don't like to see me cry.

You feel a little better?

- Yeah, I do.

- Good.

- Who's that guy out there?

- Billy? He's a poker friend.

- You want to meet him?

- No.

He'd spent his rent money on us.

Yeah, so we brought him home.

The girl's fine. She just fell in love again.

She'll be okay in the morning.

Listen, William, I'm going to crash.

You can use the sofa if you want.

Thank you.

- I got to crash, too.

- Okay.

- Good night, baby.

- Good night.

I got to get my car.

I can't get my car.

There's nobody up there.

I was just looking for the Guide.

Go back to sleep.

It's Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, Grumpy...

F*** them.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Denny.

- Hello, Barbara.

This information came in for you

from Chino this morning.

- Thank you, Barbara. The dauphin in yet?

- Since 9:
00 a.m. He wanted to see you.

- What's the matter with your body?

- I had a little automobile trouble, Barbara.

- Is that him?

- It was, sir.

- Did you tell him I wanted to see him?

- I did, sir.

- What'd he say?

- He said, "Thank you."

- He did?

- He did.

Thank you.

You're most welcome.

- These are the colors on the antique article.

- Oh, right.

I didn't know what time you'd be in,

so I just picked out a few.

- I think they're your best bet.

- Thanks, Barbara.

- You okay?

- I'm fine.

- Good. How about some coffee?

- Love some.

Everybody's named Barbara.

- Hello?

- Barbara?

- Yes.

- This is Bill Denny.

Bill! Hi.

- Is the Ice Cream Man around?

- He sure is.

Charlie, it's Bill.

- William, what's shaking?

- Hey, Charlie.

I'm at the office. I'm reviewing things.

It sounds like a bore.

You want to track it with me?

Believe me, I'd like to...

only I cannot get out.

I'm really all jammed up here.

You let a man rub

some hot shaving cream on your ribs...

you can take a shot with him at the track.

Listen, I know you're right, but you know,

I cannot steal any more time from here.

We'll play it your way,

but if you should change your mind...

I'll be at the bar in the grandstand...

right above the finish line,

near the $100 window, all right?

Yeah, I know the spot.

Okay, listen. If I can, I can.

I hope you do.

Listen Charlie, thanks for

an interesting evening. Knock them dead.

Okay, I will.

Okay, so long.

It's different.

It's not my favorite, but it is different.

Who in their right mind

would put a graveyard...

- on the front of the California...

- Our boss.

I mean, that's not going

to sell any magazines.

Well, it's not doing so badly.

Excuse me. Could we change seats?

No way, lady. I'm sorry.

The last time I sat facing the rear,

I never won a race.

I get sick if I ride that way. It gets me dizzy.

Hey, miss, this lady here

is going to throw up if she sits in this chair.

- Would you mind changing with her?

- I never change seats. It's bad luck.

- She'll never change seats.

- Lady, I don't mind changing.

This lady here will change with you.

Thank you. Great.

This lady will change with that lady,

but she needs a window seat.

You change there, and I could...

- Everything okay? Wonderful.

- Great.

Super day for the track.

- Do me a favor?

- Do you want to change seats again?

Would you see what Egyptian Femme

looks like? She's in the fourth.

- Egyptian Femme?

- Femme.

Jerry Weintraub is their manager,

and he's got to have something.

Just stock, publicity stills, on, you know...

- What do you want, some 8x10s?

- Yeah.

Egyptian Femme. The horse has run

twice in two years, right?

Each time she stiffed out.

Now she steps up in class...

goes up against colts,

draws an inside post position in a sprint...

and ain't got no speed of her own

to get out there.

Is all that in there?

If you know how to read these things.

It says a lot more.

I thought I'd spare you all the gory stuff.

Egyptian Femme?

The lady's going to cap out

on Egyptian Femme?

Pretty funny. Forget that horse, lady.

I hate to see her get away.

She owes me money from last year.

Then you make a bet on her

and she'll owe you money from this year.

How far is it to Chino?

- An hour and a half.

- I'm going up there. They got it all wrong.

If you hear from the dauphin...

tell him, "Much luck."

Well, I'm holding my own.

Just don't bet the chalk.

No chalk betting here.

- Later, Ben.

- All right.

The weight factor, see?

It's the weight factor.

Excuse me.

- Hey, babe, what's happening?

- How's it going?

- How'd you do the first race?

- Not too good.

I like to stay away

from the daily doubles, too. Any info?

- Not as yet.

- lf you get any information, I'll be at the bar.

- Andrew, que pasa?

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