California Split Page #4

- Hey, Big Charlie, what's going on?

You got a winner today?

Not yet? Me neither.

Are you sure

Egyptian Femme is not going to win?

- You want a beer?

- I don't.

I think you ought to bet on Egyptian Femme.

You're right.

Yeah? Then why do you have

four underlined?

I don't know. I used to like Banks,

the jockey, but I changed my mind.

- You're putting me on.

- Who will you bet?

- Not Egyptian Femme, I'll tell you that much.

- I'm glad you're definite.

Who do you like in the fourth, pal?

William, you made it.

Glad to see you, William. How you feeling?

Not bad. I got a little pain here and here,

otherwise I couldn't be better.

- Give my friend a beer.

- Want to give my friend here a beer?

I asked first.

I'm telling you another half inch

to the left of center...

- That's no good here, Charlie.

- No, this is on me.

- It's on me. You just keep it all.

- Any time.

You keep it all.

Your money's no good here, pal.

Don't you appreciate a man

who gets you in the goodies?

He gave me a kick where I'm breathing

and I'm pretty lucky to be here.

Now, how did you manage it?

How'd you get away from work?

I wish I was as good at this

as I am at getting away from work.

Razzle-dazzle.

The minstrel man strikes again.

I know.

After today you're gonna have enough

money to open up a string of parking lots.

- It looks that good?

- 20-to-1 in the morning line ain't tin.

- You really like it?

- F***ing gold, babe.

- Who's the horse?

- Nmero uno.

Egyptian Femme. Tough to figure, right?

He doesn't seem to like to run a lot.

- She, it's a lady.

- Right.

It's beautiful. Just right.

They've been shopping for a big price...

today we're going to nail them.

- Not much to recommend.

- The rest are a bunch of dogs, too, right?

Believe me, she'll pay.

$4 million and change.

If you think the inside post position is bad,

she's got a lot of speed, wire to wire.

You're really not worried, are you?

This horse owes me and owes my friend,

owes everybody around here.

- We're taking down today, my friend.

- I'd like to toast that, pal.

- Let's go see a man about a horse.

- A man about a horse.

Excuse me. Where is she?

Come on, Egyptian Femme! Come on.

Don't stop! Go!

Come on, Egyptian Femme! Stay up there!

- Come on, Valdez!

- Who's Valdez?

Valdez is the jockey! Come on, Valdez.

Come on, Valdez. Keep it up there.

Come on, Egyptian Femme!

He'll make a move now.

- Come on, Egyptian Femme! Stay up there!

- Come on, Valdez!

And he wins!

Take it down.

Come on, we win this race.

We won that race going away.

That was a race. Did you see that race?

- I mean, Valdez... That race was fantastic.

- We didn't see the tote board.

- Did you see the other horse?

- We win this race.

I've never done this. I've never come out...

- Will you trust me? We won.

- Let's see the photo, man.

Photo finish? We won going away.

- What were you watching?

- I was watching this race.

Just a little razzle-dazzle.

Can you be happy now?

- I've never done this before.

- The horse wins.

- We're a winner.

- The horse did not win!

Nobody says that. This is called

counting your chickens.

- Chickens and counting chickens?

- Before they're hatched.

You spend a whole life out here

and you have a 20-to-1 shot...

Come on, fellows. Will you get it up here?

I'm telling you, we win the race.

- What is it?

- Goddamn one horse.

Egyptian Femme! Egyptian Femme won!

Where've you been? That's what I said.

I can't believe this!

I had that horse!

You rotten creep!

Hey, you!

You said Egyptian Femme had no chance!

The horse won!

Whose money is that?

Had no chance?

- Lady, don't throw oranges.

- The horse had no chance?

The horse had no chance?

You knew it all along!

Are you crazy?

God damn it, lady,

you don't throw oranges on an escalator!

Come on, lady, get back! How's that, lady?

- That's my hat!

- Now, you stop throwing oranges. Stop it!

- Give me my goddamn hat!

- Stop it!

- You thief!

- You want your purse?

That horse owes me more money!

Here, you want your money?

Take your goddamn...

You a**hole, you can't even throw!

Wonder where he's going to take us

for dinner tonight?

Who knows?

But wherever it is, it'll be delicious.

- I hope it's the Scala.

- That'd be great.

We can have all that Italian food we love.

We can have mozzarella marinara...

and eggplant parmigiana...

- Honey, there he is.

- Zabaglione for dessert.

Now sit down, act natural.

Say, what is this?

Surprise!

No, it's not.

- Hey, baby.

- We're going to make it.

Here you are, Mr. Tenor, and thank you.

- That was delightful.

- Birthday greetings!

Go on.

- Who's that wonderful guy out there?

- That man's a tenor.

- We want you to have the big evening...

- We can't have the big evening tonight.

- She and I got a date.

- What are you talking about?

- You're not working tonight?

- Yes, we are.

I saw you eating your breakfast.

Now I think I'm going to play the piano.

Which way is it?

Honey, sweetheart,

it's a very important party.

It's very, very important...

Okay, that's it. That's it now.

All right, stop it now.

All right. Stop the music. Stop.

We're expecting Mr. Kramer.

We loved all the gifts. We love everything.

- Are we out of here?

- Yeah.

...should've been there

when you came to the door.

But it's $150 apiece for the evening

for dinner.

- What?

- This evening at $150 each.

- Are we out of here?

- $150. All we have to do is go to dinner.

Maybe Mr. Kramer wants to give

Bill and me $75 apiece.

- Bill's awful pretty to show off.

- I don't know how to take that.

Not at all. We can tell him we're sick.

Now I get the feeling

I'm being mugged by my friend.

- No, this is not right.

- All right, Bill, out the door.

I'm waiting to say goodbye.

You ladies, now, I mean, we're gonna...

- It sure was nice.

- Go in there.

- Sit down and act natural.

- I think you're unfair.

Susan and Barbara must not be deprived

of our companionship tonight.

Certainly not.

- They were looking super.

- Should we look inside?

Absolutely.

Mr. Kramer must be some funny dude.

- Hi.

- It's me. Do you remember me?

- Of course I remember you.

- Is there anyone else?

- No, there's just us.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

- Okay.

- Sweetheart, you look terrific.

- Do you like it?

Yeah.

- You smell wonderful.

- Thank you. I'm so glad you like it.

- What are you wearing?

- Thank you.

What are you...

- It's Joy, isn't it?

- No, it's Shalimar.

- Shalimar.

- Do you like it?

- Oh, God.

- Mr. Chan!

- Shalimar is my favorite perfume.

- It's mine, too.

Do you like the dress?

I had it... Yes, I had it made in Omaha.

Yeah, but I just...

I just never had the balls to wear it,

you know, outside.

- Well, honey, it's sexy...

- I love the dress.

- Listen to me.

- Dignified.

- Elegant.

- It is. It's elegant.

Listen, tonight we're gonna go to Chasen's.

Chasen's tonight.

- And then I've got a great big surprise.

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