California Suite Page #10

out of our bathroom.

You mean, this is all your room?

Huh? I slept standing up,

and you're living like

the king and queen of England?

The queen is

about to abdicate her leg

if we don't get her into bed.

Lola! Lola, I want you

to see what they got...

Oh, god.

- What happened, damn it?

- Oh.

I broke a bottle of perfume.

I'm sorry, Bett.

Don't worry.

It was only $90 an ounce.

Of all the stupid-ass

things to do...

Hold on. She did not

do it on purpose.

You mean it was

a planned accident?

We don't have to take this crap.

We can go up to our cigar box

and watch our broken television.

- Come on, honey.

- Ow! Oh, I cut my finger.

It's bleeding.

Oh, damn, that perfume burns!

Only good perfume. Cheap

perfume you can't feel at all.

Oh, Bett, there's broken glass

on the bathroom floor.

Be careful where you step.

I'm glad you told me.

I was gonna walk

in there a lot today.

Willis, do you have

any band-aids?

- We'll take care

of one casualty at a time.

Grab her!

Oh! Ohh!

- Oh, my leg!

- All right, all right.

- Will you please help us?

- Now you want my help, huh?

- Ohh!

- Watch the step.

Ouch! Oh, help me.

Oh, help me, somebody.

- Lola, what's...

- My head.

I banged my head on the medicine cabinet.

I'm gonna pass out.

No, you're not.

I am. I'm passing out.

Lola, don't pass...

Lola. Lola.

My god. Would you get me

a wet towel? She passed out!

Lola. Lola, sweetheart,

you're gonna be all right, baby.

Don't lie to the woman.

She knows she's not ok.

Lola! Lola!

Lola, you're bleeding on the man's rug.

He'll charge me for it.

Lola? Lola.

Lola, listen to me.

Lola? Lola?

How many fingers?

Lola. Lola? Lola? Lola?

I just stepped on

a broken piece of glass,

and I hope you're satisfied.

- That feel better?

- No, that's the wrong ankle.

Would you help me lift her

to the bed, please?

Only on vacations. This

only happens on vacations.

Grab her feet. Oop!

God, it's like

Guadalcanal in here.

Oh, easy! Easy!

Easy! Oh, ouch.

Ow! Oh, careful.

Hey! Ow!

Wait a minute!

- Ow!

- Ohh!

You're all right.

This bed is bigger

than our whole room.

- Let's settle up!

- What?

How much do I owe you, huh?

Because after I pay you,

I ain't gonna see you.

All right. All right. Now, let's not

get our noses bent outta shape.

- It's all over. Let's forget it.

- Forget it?

Forget it.

Forget it? Forget the year

I planned for this vacation?

You know what I got to show for it?

An overdose of Japanese food,

mildew in my feet from sleeping in a

wet bed, a wife with a concussion,

two lawsuits for two car crashes

that I didn't drive two times!

And you want me to forget it?

Ha!

I'm writing a blank check.

- You fill it out and shove it up your...

- No!

Hey, hey, hey!

You don't use that language

in front of the ladies.

The ladies are unconscious.

They can't hear us.

Now, I owe you for a bottle of

perfume, bloodstains on the rug,

and an acetylene torch

that burned us out of the car.

I've had it!

Ah-ah-ah.

I want to go home.

I need a vacation!

Now, come on, buddy.

Now, look, let's shake...

Let's shake, and let's

forget it ever happened.

Oh, shake hands with the man,

Chauncey, please.

Watch what you're doing, idiot!

"Idiot"?

That's the hump

that broke

the camel's back! Aah!

Either you apologize to my dear,

sweet wife for calling her an idiot,

or I'll take this

Japanese aluminum racket

and I'll backhand you to death!

Don't threaten me.

Never threaten a man

who's spent two years

working the drunk ward.

Now, back off!

Apologize to my wife

by the time I count to five,

or I'm gonna start serving

with your big head.

- One!

- Don't fight. Please don't fight.

- Two.

- Somebody'll get hurt and fall on me.

Three.

Don't hit him with the racket.

I just had it restrung!

Four! And you know what comes

after four, don't you?

I'll mess you up so bad, even I

won't be able to fix you up.

Apologize before I get to five!

Say it.

Go ahead, say it.

Say it. Are you afraid to say it?

Say "five." Five.

I'll say it for you. Five!

Five! Five! Say it!

It don't count unless I say it.

Five!

Thank god their patients

aren't here to see this.

- Millie.

- No word from sleeping beauty?

Oh, thanks.

Thank you very much.

Forget about her. We'll get

dressed, go to the bar mitzvah.

And tonight,

we'll move to another hotel.

May we do that, Millie?

I wonder if Harry

spent as much on her

as we did on his lousy kid.

Millie, I'll never do

anything again to hurt you

as long as I live.

You're the most special woman

in the world to me, Millie,

and I love you.

I love you, Millie.

Please, not in front

of the hooker.

Oh, god, get him off of me!

Chauncey, don't bite.

You'll ruin your caps!

Get him off of me! Get him off of me!

I've had enough of you.

Don't you ever bite me again.

Do you know you could

give me a blood disease?

Now, tell me we're friends!

Now you say...

- That you enjoyed the vacation... say it!

- Friends!

You're going to tell

me that you enjoyed...

Friends!

- Friends! Now!

- Friends!

You tell me that you enjoyed

being with us on our vacation!

Best time I've ever had!

You better believe it.

- Call your wife off.

- Get off! Get off! Get off! Get off!

Did you love the Japanese

restaurant? Say it!

Huh? Say it!

- Say it!

- Willis!

And you say... That you are going...

To love...

Going with us next year

on a vacation again.

Say it!

You can crack my ribs,

but I won't say it.

- You like it?

- Mildred, you look beautiful.

- Yeah? Thank you.

- Beautiful.

Come on, darling. There's

a cab waiting 20 minutes.

What happened to our roommate?

She's gone.

She couldn't find her shoes.

I gave her yours.

Anything to get rid of her.

Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Hey, you're giving away my cab.

I asked you to hold that.

I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't

hold it any longer.

For cryin' out loud. Will you

get me another one, please?

It'll take about 20 minutes.

- We're gonna be late. I knew it.

- Hi.

- Can I give you a lift?

- No, thank you. We'll wait.

That's very nice of you.

Get in the cab, Marvin.

Are you serious?

I didn't come 3,000 miles to be late.

Get in the cab, Marvin.

- Do you know who that is?

- Yes, it's our hooker.

You think I'd ride

with strangers?

- This is very nice of you. Thank you.

- Oh, my pleasure.

- Nice shoes.

- Thank you.

- Live out here?

- Sometimes.

Passengers holding

a blue boarding pass

may enter the aircraft

at gate 37-a. Thank you.

Mother! Whew!

I was afraid I wouldn't make it.

What are you doing here?

Where's your father?

My god. Was it

the Lima beans and broccoli?

No, no. He's waiting

outside in the car.

I just wanted to say

good-bye and thank you.

And I love you.

You don't know what this means to me.

I've been very depressed.

I just found out

I've already seen the movie.

I'm gonna miss you, mother,

but I know I'm doing the...

No, no, Jenny. Don't say it.

It's all right.

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