California Suite Page #5

But as you can see, I'm not

missing from your hotel.

Now, there's four of us,

and we need two rooms.

I don't have two rooms available.

I'm sorry.

- It's academy award week.

- We don't care who wins.

We just wanna get into bed.

I do have a small single.

However, there is

some repair going on.

It's not terribly comfortable,

but I can squeeze

a small daybed in.

I'm sorry, but it's

the best I can do.

Well, what do we do?

I'm not gonna stand around here with

whiplash and argue with the man.

I'm gonna check in

to the Hilton. Let's go, baby.

Well, it's our last

few days of vacation.

I'd hate for us

not to be together.

What do you mean, "not be together"?

We're all gonna check into the Hilton.

Well, they do have a

reservation for the two of us.

You wanna stay in this hotel after

the way they've been treatin' us?

Well, they're treatin'

me and Bettina all right.

I really had my heart

set on staying here.

It's so pretty here, Chauncey.

- Oh, listen. Listen.

- What?

Even a tiny room in this place

couldn't be too bad.

And it's only for two nights.

Please, Chaunce?

Come on.

Ok.

Ok, ok.

We'll toss for the small room.

Why? I already

have my reservation.

Willis, you're not thinkin'

what I hope you're not thinkin'.

I didn't make the reservation.

I don't see why

we have to suffer because

her brother is an idiot.

We see enough blood

in the hospital.

I don't wanna see any blood

in this hotel lobby.

Now, either we toss for the room,

goddamn it, or we toss for the room.

- Now, call it.

- I'm not tossing for any room.

I'm going up to my registered

room, sit in my reserved bath.

- Come on, honey.

- No, no. Take it easy.

- What time is it?

- What?

- What time is it?

- It's a quarter to 1:00.

I want you to remember that time,

'cause that's when we declared war.

Yes, we'd like the court from

10:
00 to 11:00 tomorrow morning.

And split the charges

with me and Dr. Gump.

Balls and everything.

All right, thank you.

We got it!

We are set, tomorrow morning.

And we're gonna cream 'em

six-love, six-love.

- And if we have time...

- Six-love again.

- Hello?

- Chaunce? Hi, buddy. What you doin'?

Oh, nothing much. Uh, just sittin'

here watchin' the toilet flush.

It's been flushing about two hours

now, wouldn't you say, hon?

Well, that's too bad. You and

Lola wanna use our John?

Nah. We were thinkin' about waitin'

till we get back to Chicago.

Well, we're all set.

Tomorrow morning, 10:00 am.

How's that?

Fine, fine.

Sneakers'll be a little damp

though, but you won't mind.

What time we going

to the Greek restaurant?

Lola wants to know what time we're

going to the Greek restaurant.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Bettina felt like Japanese,

so I booked Fujiyama's

for 7:
30.

We'll see you

down in the lobby, 7:15.

Now, don't be late, ya hear?

Fine.

That man will never

get to Chicago alive.

The, uh, real dark horse

in this year's Oscar derby

seems to be Diana Barrie,

one of the most respected actresses in

the business and perhaps best known...

For her portrayals of

Shakespearean queens

and Pinter heroines at

London's national theatre.

- Diana is up for her first Oscar...

- Hello?

In the funny but featherweight comedy

that might have slipped by unnoticed...

Oh, yes. Yes. We'll be down

in about, uh, five minutes.

Thank you.

- Sidney?

- Yes?

Sidney, take a look...

And-and try

to be gentle.

Channel two just picked you

as a dark horse.

- They must have seen the dress.

- You hate it.

- How much was it?

- Nothing. Joe Pickman paid for it.

- Then I love it.

- Damn it.

I wish you didn't have

such good taste.

I have a definite hump

on my left shoulder.

It cost 500 pounds,

and I look like Richard III.

Do you notice the hump, Sidney?

Isn't that your regular hump?

Don't joke with me. I am going

on national television.

There are no humps.

I can see no humps

at this particular time.

I should've worn

something simple.

My black pantsuit.

Why the hell didn't I wear

my black pantsuit?

- Because I am wearing it.

- We should never have come.

I never know how to dress

in this bloody country.

It's so easy

to dress in England.

You just put on warm clothing.

- Why did we come, Sidney?

- Because it's free, darling.

Glenda Jackson never comes.

She's nominated

every goddamn year.

We could have stayed in London

and waited for a telephone call.

David Niven could have

accepted for me.

He'd have been bright and witty,

and no one would've

noticed my hump.

Use it, sweetheart. People will

pity you for your deformity,

and you're sure to win.

Maybe if you put

your arm on my shoulder.

Keep your arm on my shoulder

at all times.

If I win we'll go up together,

your arm around me.

They'll think we're still mad

for each other after 12 years.

Oh, I thought we were.

I keep forgetting.

How many gin and tonics

have you had?

- Three gins and one tonic.

- Catch up on the tonics.

We don't want to be

disgusting tonight, do we?

What's wrong with my hair?

I look like

I've combed it with a towel.

When you played Elizabeth you looked like

a warthog, and you never complained once.

That was acting.

This is living.

Living, I want to be beautiful.

It's the strangest color.

I asked for a simple rinse,

and that ditsy queen's

given me crayon.

Shall I walk with my arm

on your head as well?

Oh, Christ. I hate

getting dressed like this.

Why is it I'm always perfectly

comfortable as somebody else?

I'd have been perfectly happy

going as Hedda Gabler.

- Try Quasimodo.

- Try shutting up!

Now, check me out.

Do I have too much jewelry on?

Jingle it. I can't tell

if I don't hear it.

Will you please be nice to me and

pay me one bloody compliment?

I've been getting ready for this

horseshit affair for three hours.

- Diana, you're just...

- What? What?

I was...

I was just gonna say you're making

a mountain out of a molehill.

But I didn't think

it would amuse you.

That's not funny, Sidney.

That's bizarre.

Give me a drink.

You have the most bizarre

sense of humor.

Bizarre people often do.

Give me a bit more.

It's all right.

I won't get pissed

till after I lose.

- The car is waiting.

- Oh, god.

Why do they have

these things so early?

I mean, no woman can look good

at 5:
00 in the afternoon,

except possibly Tatum O'Neal.

- Finish your drink.

- Mmm.

I don't want to miss

the sound editing awards.

Oh, those bloody

photographers and newsmen.

I can't wait to see how they

explain my hump in the papers.

- Where are you going?

- I need another drink.

The last one

wore off in the lift.

- Gin and tonic, please.

- Nothing for me.

I heard that if you're late,

they put nondescript

people in your seats.

Do you know what I might

do next year, Sidney?

I pray anything but Ibsen.

I might give it all up.

It's no fun anymore.

Oh, god, how I envy you.

You're the one

with all the talent.

I'm the one who has to make

a horse's ass of myself.

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