California Suite Page #6

Talent?

What talent do I have?

You have nothing but talent.

You cook better than I do,

you write better than I do.

God knows you dress

better than I do.

Better than "I."

The "do" is superfluous.

You speak better than I do...

What's that green slime

you're eating?

It looks like a dish

out of Oliver twist.

I'm not sure. I think they run the

front lawn through a blender.

You've got that glazed look

in your eye again, Sidney...

That "bored-with-her-life"

attitude.

I'm never bored

with your life, my angel.

I love the openings

and the parties.

I lead a very gay life.

Let's be honest, pet.

How many antique dealers get

to go to the academy awards?

I think you hate

that dusty little shop.

- You're never there when I call.

- Could I, miss Barrie?

- It's for my daughter. Excuse me.

- Oh, certainly.

- What's her name?

- Uh... Just say, "to frank."

What do you do

with your afternoons, Sidney?

In London? I don't think

we have afternoons.

- Gin and tonic...

- Check, please.

Come along.

You should never have

given it up, Sidney.

- What?

- Acting.

Christ, you were good. You had

more promise than any of us.

Really? I can't think

what it was I promised.

You were so gentle on the stage.

So unselfish, so giving.

You had a sweet, gentle quality.

Yes. I would've made

a wonderful Ophelia.

You could go back, Sidney,

if you wanted to.

We could do plays together,

have more time together.

No, there'd be problems. It would be awful

if we were both up for the same part.

I'm perfectly happy selling

my 18th century door knockers.

You still haven't told me what

you do with your afternoons.

I just told you,

I look for knockers.

I think I got it stopped,

but you won't be able to use

the water in

the bathroom for a while.

Oh, it's ok. We have enough

on the floor to last us.

Thank you.

- Ok, hurry up.

- What? Lola...

The man is 20 minutes late.

How would you like to be

lying on an operating table

with tubes going in your nose,

waiting for him to show up?

Your brother's

gonna pay for this.

I'm tired of being nice

to that man.

The next time

I take his x-rays,

wait till I tell him

what I found on them.

My feet are still wet.

The foot powder

is turning into concrete.

Nine Japanese restaurants

in ten nights?

I am sick and disgusted

of stepping on raw fish

in my stocking feet that

that man drops on the floor.

Now, come on, woman.

This is Pearl harbor night.

- Can we get going? I'll drive.

- You'll what?

- Do you know where Fujiyama's is?

- No.

I'll drive.

Why don't you two argue in the back?

I'll drive.

- Ok, honey. - "Ok, honey"? Watch

out when he says, "ok, honey."

I feel like

a caged animal, Sidney.

They look as though they're

going to throw nuts at us.

Nonsense, darling.

They're just ogling us.

- I adore being ogled, don't you?

- Oh, Sidney!

Yes?

Sidney, kiss me.

Kiss me and wish me luck.

There's your kiss.

Now turn around so I can

rub your hump for luck.

Sidney, please be nice to me.

I'm scared to death.

I wish you everything.

I wish you luck, I wish you

love, I wish you happiness.

You are a gifted

and remarkable woman.

I hope you win the bloody Oscar.

Fifty years from now, I'll be

able to sell it for a fortune.

Just hold my hand, angel.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

to again prove that the academy awards

are indeed international in scope,

we're so pleased

to welcome here from London

the academy award nominee

for her best performance

in that wonderful picture

no right turns...

No, it's called no left turns.

Miss Diana Barrie and her very

handsome husband, Mr. Sidney Barrie.

Sidney Cochran.

Sidney Cochran.

And you say when you put your foot

on the brakes, nothing happened?

I didn't say "nothing happened."

I said that the brakes

didn't work.

When the brakes didn't work,

that's when

nothing good happened.

You snapped the cable

holding the cars.

I've never seen

anything like this in my life.

I thought it was a jet.

I thought, "oh, god,

we've just been 747'd."

My legs are paralyzed.

I can't move.

My legs are paralyzed.

Ok, we're gonna get you out

as fast as we can, all right?

It's not from the car. It's from

sittin' in a Japanese restaurant.

Hold on tight. I'll get you

a cup of coffee, all right?

Congratulations.

Come on.

It's after 3:
00.

Don't give me that

superior-than-thou crap.

You're stinking, aren't you?

Don't talk to me like that.

I'm a lady.

A loser and a lady.

One of the great

losing ladies of the cinema.

You remember that night

up in the Catskills

when you ran away and

you came back an hour later

because you stepped in

the cow doo-doo?

Oh, that was funny.

Whoo, am I tanked, Harry.

Are you sure

this is the right hotel?

Don't ask me. I'm blind.

Hey, Bubbie,

thanks for a terrific evening.

Thank me in the morning.

The night is not over yet.

What do you mean?

What are you smiling about?

Sleep well, kid. Don't forget

to leave an early wake-up call.

What are you talking about?

What's going on here?

I don't trust that guy.

Something's going on here.

Hi. I'm Bunny.

Is this 203?

Happy birthday

from your brother Harry

Happy birthday to you

This is not my birthday. My

birthday isn't until next month.

I'm in no hurry.

Tequila?

You never told me what award I

missed when I went to the can.

- The best documentary short subject.

- Oh, damn it.

My favorite category.

What won?

The midgets of Leipzig.

A Czech-Polish production.

Sigmund Wednetski, producer.

Directed by Litweil

Zumbredowicz and Stefan Vlech.

Mmm.

I thought they would.

What was the best picture?

The best picture? You were

there when they announced it.

It came after the best actress.

I was in a deep depression

at the time.

What was the best

bloody picture?

Do you mean what was

the best picture of the year,

or what did those idiots pick

as the best picture of the year?

What won the award, you a**hole?

I am not an a**hole.

Don't you call me that.

Sidney, I have just thrown up

on some of the best

people in Hollywood.

Now is no time to be sensitive.

What was the best picture?

- I'm not telling you.

- I'm not asking you.

I'm threatening you, you crud!

- Now I'm definitely not going to tell you.

- I'm sorry.

I take it back, Sidney.

You're not a crud.

God! Definitely.

Am I still an a**hole?

Then I'm never going to tell you.

You behaved abominably tonight.

- Did not. Did not. A**hole crud!

- Abominably. Abominably.

I am going to bed. We have a 10:00 am

plane to catch in the morning.

10:
00 am is the morning.

That is redundant,

you a-h.

Oh, do you think I don't know

what you're saying?

I can spell, you know.

Not without moving

your lips, you can't.

I would like

another drink, please.

You drank everything

in this state. Try Nevada.

Oh, Sidney!

I saw your privates.

You were right.

We should never have come here.

Have you ever seen a greater

assemblage of hypocrites

under one roof in all your life?

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