Call Me Crazy: A Five Film Page #5

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I'm afraid.

You need to stop being afraid of me.

Lucy, I'm not afraid of you.

I'm afraid of becoming you.

Bread pudding, everyone.

There was that warm

Columbus Day weekend

when Dad was barbecuing

his special wings,

when that woman called.

She said there was something

very wrong with you

and that they'd taken you

from your dorm in restraints.

I'd seen you the week before.

We'd taken you out in Westwood

for your birthday.

You were 19,

the same age I am now.

You know how you told Luke

that I was always the prettier one

and the smarter one

and the star of the family?

Well, you forgot

that I have better b*obs too.

Um, you do not have better b*obs.

Uh, mmm...

All right, fine,

the b*obs are a toss-up. Um...

But you're right

about the other stuff.

I am prettier than you.

And I am smarter than you.

And humbler, apparently.

But guess what, Allie.

What?

I'll always be crazier

than you too.

Look at that girl

She's lighting up the world

She'll be a hallowed ground

To earn their love

People wait in line

To see the way she shines

If she wasn't perfect

Would it be enough?

Now the sky's on fire

I've lived my whole life

Walking on a wire

My heart's on fire

I've been married for 10 years, 10 years, and

consecutively, with the same woman. Wow.

I know. It's... You know, it's...

Let me tell you.

And so now, now sex is like bowling.

It's just like bowling.

Because afterwards, you're like,

"That was fun. That was great.

We should do that more often."

Ha-ha-ha.

My wife is amazing,

and I love this woman to death.

But like most women,

she loves to talk about her feelings.

Know what I'm talking about?

Oh, yes.

Do you like to talk about your feelings?

Absolutely.

Of course. It's like asking a klepto if

they want a handbag. Yes, you'd love it.

So any time you're talking about feelings,

all he's thinking about is bowling.

We love you, Eddie.

- Eddie!

- Awesome.

Have this.

You want more? More?

Good boy. Okay.

Hi, bobo.

Hey, babe.

Hey, buddy, buddy.

You're late. Did you do two sets?

No. Um...

I, um...

Mmm.

Heh.

I, um...

I just ended up staying

and talking to some of the guys.

You must be starving.

You want the rest of my sandwich, babe?

Let's get up early

and go to the farmers market.

We'll get some kettle corn.

Twister can go with us.

Yeah. Whatever.

Good. Because this sleeping in all day

till you go to work at night

is not gonna fly on my day off.

Okay?

Look, can I just sleep right now?

Honey?

What?

You okay?

I'm... Yeah.

I'm tired.

Okay.

Handcuffs might seem like overkill,

but they're going on.

They're going on, okay?

You have the right to remain...

- This is a stupid law.

- Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, Twister.

Eddie?

Daddy didn't let you out, huh?

Good boy.

I am sure...

Ed. Jeez, it's almost 2:00.

Are you kidding me?

You didn't feed Twister.

You didn't let him out.

Peed all over the floor.

What time is it?

It's almost 2.

I don't care if you don't wanna eat,

but the dog's gotta eat.

Wow. Okay.

All right, get up.

Take a shower.

They're gonna be here soon.

You need to clean the grill.

Why can't we just stay in,

just the two of us,

and just not do that?

You mean like when I'm up and I am

doing things, and you're asleep?

Let's save that for another

afternoon. Get up.

The joke's on you.

I'm not a ventriloquist dummy.

- That's all right.

- It's all right. It's all right.

You could use that in your act.

I could. You want cheese?

Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger.

It's funny.

Can I do it? Do you mind if I...?

I just don't need everybody

touching my cheese.

Just...

No. This will be mine.

I'll have cheese. No cheese for this guy.

I can't have dairy.

I'm taking this cooking class

where we're learning how to

make a curry carrot corn queso.

It's like a dip.

It's for Christmas and couples,

or you can put it on salad.

Was it sponsored by the letter C?

Ha-ha-ha.

I am so glad that you guys are here.

Well, thank you for inviting us.

We miss you.

Yeah, well, Eddie's been out

on the road, you know.

Eddie's been on the road?

Yeah.

So the midget says, "Hey, that's why

I became a taxidermist." Ha-ha-ha.

- Hey.

- You can't say that anymore.

Whatever. "Munchkin."

It's a good joke.

It's a good joke.

It's a good joke.

- What? What?

- I keep missing things.

I'm actually working on that...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey.

I got it. Under control. Under control.

Where is he going?

Hey, you guys know the

one about the Wisconsin farmer

- and the burnt barn?

- I'm sure you're gonna tell us.

What's going on?

Nothing.

We've been through this

before. It's gonna be fine.

Is everybody gone?

Yeah, they're gone.

I'm really sorry.

You gotta talk to me.

What does Dr. Beckett say?

He says I'm hilarious.

Thursdays at 4, highlight of his week.

He should be paying me.

Okay, I...

I...

Just please.

Please, just...

I didn't know that he

had stopped coming to see you.

I'm really scared,

and I'm really confused because

Eddie has so much going for him.

He's so loved.

Julia, depression is not circumstantial.

It's got nothing to do with

what you did or you didn't do.

Eddie is not choosing

to feel this way.

I know. I know.

And she could reach around a wall

and smack you in the head before you...

And the arm would...

All you'd hear is this:

Ernest Hemingway

blew his head off with a shotgun.

Click, bang. Thank you.

Can we get the check?

His wife, Mary, said he was

simply cleaning the gun.

And I think that's some

housekeeping gone awry.

Hey, how are you?

Haven't seen you here in a while.

Yeah.

Had he hung himself, would it have been

that he was just cleaning the rope?

How's he doing?

Fine. He's always doing fine.

You won the Pulitzer Prize in fiction,

the Nobel Prize for literature.

That's a lot of pressure

on a little suicide note that

you know everybody's gonna read.

It's just so dark.

Doesn't even sound like him.

But dark is good.

Dark's like the new black.

Look at Louis CK.

Got his own show. He's dark.

If I was gonna kill myself,

I know exactly what I'd do.

I would, uh...

I'd kill myself with kindness.

Take a handful of pills, hop in bed.

Maybe some Enya.

In some countries... Get this.

In some countries,

it's illegal to commit suicide.

It's against the law

for you to kill yourself.

Okay? Are you with me here?

Sir, I want you to focus, okay?

I realize you're dead.

Step out of the vehicle

and put your hands behind your back.

If you wanna play tough guy,

we've got all night, all right?

Handcuffs seem like overkill, but I have to

arrest you. You have the right to remain...

Bad law.

- Hello?

- Hey, Chelsea. It's me, Julia.

I've been trying to call Eddie.

Oh. Um...

He was here a couple of minutes ago,

but I know he's going on soon.

I was just wondering, is he okay?

Yeah, he seemed fine.

Tell him to call me after.

Okay.

All right.

Y'all having fun? Good. Good. I'm glad.

Well, our next performer

is Eddie Tennenbaum, and, uh...

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