Call Me Lucky Page #11

I might have gone to see him.

My personal revenge

would've been to show him

that I did not become

what I resisted.

And I hadn't grown into a

cruel and heartless man.

I would've told him that he

inflicted a burden upon me

that almost killed me.

And not just when I was

nearly asphyxiated

during his savage assaults.

Then I would tell him that

I was sorry that he had such

a miserable and wasted life.

Even if I supported

the death penalty,

I wouldn't want child rapists

killed simply because

they were once

children themselves.

In all likelihood,

they were abused children.

While most victims of

childhood sexual assaults

don't grow to

become pedophiles,

the vast majority of pedophiles

were sexually abused

as children.

Who knows what would've

happened to me

if I had been raped a few more

times or a few years later. "

Now, if it had been

five more times,

would I have gone over,

would I be the rapist today?

Would I be the m...

you know,

would I be the horrible

person today?

I don't know.

So spiritually, I mean'

I feel like I have this

huge debt to pay.

I feel like there's entire

nations that feel like I do.

You know?

There's entire nations.

And you know what, and that's

why I don't give a sh*t about

American dreams

or whatever 'cause,

I mean, you know what,

I, that's who I am.

That's the country I am.

I'm of the country of

the raped little kids.

I'm of the country of

the f***ing heartbroken.

And the screwed over.

And the desperate with

no chance to be heard.

That's what country I'm from.

- People tended to believe

that abuse in males

was exceptionally rare.

Well, I think we know now

that's not the case.

And a lot of that is in large

part to what Barry's done.

I mean, Barry has been

very out there as a survivor.

- I've had some problems

from when I was younger

from people you

trusted very we'll

and they did some

bad things to you

and he helped me get rid

of that to a point

where I can focus on

more of my family

than rather than have that

be in my mind all the time.

That's one of the things

he knows about my life

that there ain't a lot

of people that know.

And, uh...

he did that for me,

and I'm very thankful

for him for that.

- Any chance Barry got,

he was defending me

or he was telling

the true story

'cause of course there

were a lot of lies

and stuff out there about me'

but he was there to say.

"You know, I actually

know Cindy Sheehan,

and this is the Cindy

Sheehan that I know. "

- It started, like,

on Memorial Day.

And I was just home,

and I was, and he said,

"No Vet should be alone

on Memorial Day.

You should have a... you

should have some cook-out. "

So he bought me one of them

big barbecue chickens

and some other stuff

and it was...

and then, and then he left,

you know,

he was like, you know,

a ghost sometimes.

He would do stuff

when I was asleep.

Sometimes I'd wake up

and, you know,

the dishwasher is empty or

there's something, you know'?

Ifs like,

how'd this happen?

To me, prayer is behavior.

You don't stand on

a mountain and say'

"I believe in God

and you don't.

Therefore I'm saved

and you're damned. "

Prayer is gestures.

It's trying to do

the right thing,

always trying to weigh the

right and wrong in everything

before you make a decision.

And Barry always does that.

- I think those of us

who survived

have all learned coping skills.

I'm not sure when

I first met Barry,

which probably was in the 80s.

f he had all the coping skills

stitched together.

He used to talk about

being followed by the wolf.

The things he had

yet to work out.

The rape.

You know'?

The rage at some of the

political things that happened.

- It's almost like there's

a need in him to get back

what was taken from him then.

You know?

But the reality of that is

there is no getting that back.

- I gotta tell you.

You know what?

I don't give a f*** anymore.

I don't give a f***.

Let me tell you this sh*t.

Monday...

Monday, we went

to the basement...

we filmed in the basement where

I got raped as a little kid.

And so since then,

I don't know,

I've been a little spacey.

You're gonna laugh.

It's OK.

But I went.

You know, I went there.

I don't really go back there

and hang around that often.

You know, I've done my

quote unquote "work",

although there's always

more to do sometimes.

And what I believe about

that work for abuse survivors,

you have to go through things

and not around them.

But "through" is a goal,

you know?

You get "through" it.

I was given some sort of a gift,

or I have some sort of a gift

or was born with it,

where I can convey

things to people

they don't generally

want to hear about.

If there were some grand

rhyme or reason to things,

I could understand why

I was gonna grow up

to be a big strong man who

knew how to tell people stuff

they didn't want to hear

and make 'em like it.

You know, not like

what was happening

but make it accessible

to people.

What I came to learn and

out myself a break about

and many other people

is when you meet people

and they behave oddly

or they have these

weird quirks

or whatever it is

they're doing,

if you figure out

where they come from,

what happened to them,

whatever their deal is,

you realize there's

sanity at the source

and instead of this

behavior being like insanity,

it's in fact ingenious.

It's a survival technique.

So, you know, I had my

survival techniques.

There's no way...

coming someplace where

what happened to me as

a child, coming back to it,

does make

your breath a little shorter

and you feel it

a bit in your...

in the pit

of your stomach.

Thais W?

Hob; "My.

It's a different place.

Good.

So it's just sort of on,

you know, sort of on this site.

You know... and I

don't think we need to...

I don't think there's any need

to build shrines to demons.

Um, I...

I hope that there's been a

lot more good spirits here

than that one awful one...

and that generations of kids

have grown up and visited

and played in that house

without anything

happening to them

except things that

should happen to kids.

They got a chance.

They learned about life.

They had fun.

They laughed.

And that's the only trepidation

I would have about this

is I wouldn't want any kid

that lives here, you know...

Although, we have to

compromise a little bit

of children's innocence

to keep them safe.

To tell them they

must be protected...

YOU know?

There's no shrine

to that maniac

who did those heinous crimes

to me and my sister.

Maybe because

even witnessing it'

you know, is severe violation

of a young spirit or anybody.

Yeah.

Nothing special.

Just a basement.

You know,

if that kid can survive that,

if I can survive

what happened to me,

you can at least hear

about it or think about it,

YOU know?

H's not that much too ask.

I know it's unpleasant, and

I know that people give us,

"Oh, everybody is a victim. "

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