Call Me Lucky Page #2

Oh, that HUD scandal

was nothing.

They created homelessness

and got paid extra for it,

and I'm the jerk for

pointing it out, excuse me.

Sorry America at home, too.

Those of you that

still have one. Okay.

- Before like a lot of

these guys like Bill Maher,

Jon Stewart, he was like

one of the first guys

that really would nail

that kind of thing.

So he was the always...

"I know you like Bill Hicks

but you gotta go find

Barry Crimmins. "

- One of the questions I've

always wondered about Barry

is how does he

make any money'?

You know?

And I dare say this.

If you don't know anything about

the lineage of Boston comedy

this place would not exist

if this guy didn't start

where he started

way back in the 80s.

He's a nice man,

he's a gentleman'

he's a funny man.

He's one of the best

performers working today.

Please welcome

Mr. Barry Crimmins.

Give him a nice

round of applause.

Barry Crimmins.

- I became a vegetarian

a long time ago.

You know what happened,

I was...

I was eating a chicken leg which

was a bone with meat on it,

and I was holding it

with my hand,

which was a bone

with meat on it.

My name's Barry Crimmins

and I'm from Skaneateles,

f***ing New York.

- Barry's childhood.

Take 1 A&B count, mark.

- Okay, this is my

childhood home. 27 Sta...

- Barry, turn over the other shoulder...

- Okay.

- This is...

- It's this one, right'?

- It's this one.

- It's the brown one'?

- We've got the wrong

house framed up.

Are you f***ing kidding me'?

- Well, this is my

childhood home.

27 State Street.

Centrally located in

Skaneateles, New York.

Skaneateles is an Indian

word that means

"beautiful lake

surrounded by fascists. "

It's spelled

S- K-A-N-E-A-T-E-L-E-S.

And when you can do that

you're in the second grade.

It's changed over the years.

A lot of the fascists have died.

New people have moved in.

- My father was the only

Democrat in the damn town.

That's the truth.

- You know,

while we only have one

24 hour Christmas

ornaments shop,

but there's, you know,

15 or 16 others

and they have a Dickens

festival at Christmas,

even though most of

the people in town

that I grew up in would

have rooted for Scrooge.

I come to my high

school reunion.

I went to my 20th

high school reunion

because I was on TV and stuff

quite a bit around then.

But then a couple of the boys

pulled me aside and they said

"Grimmer.

We gotta give you a chance

to clear your name. "

And I go, "About what?"

"We heard when you

were over in Boston

you done an AIDS benefit.

Now this isn't true, is it?"

"Yeah, I've done dozens

of AIDS benefits. "

"Well, you're not a

queer, are you?"

I'm whatever threatens you.

I'm a Communist

with AIDS and I bite.

He hated school...

but he was a genius

in my mind.

- You know, and he

was probably smarter

then any of the

teachers in there.

What's your rules of work?

- My rules of work are simple.

A to Z gravity.

In other words,

the worst first.

And in my case...

childhood was the worst.

- He was born in Kingston,

New York,

which was the first

capital of New York.

On July 3rd so he was

almost a firecracker but...

On the 3rd of July

in Skaneateles

they have flares that they

plant around the lake.

And Barry for years thought

it was for his birthday

because it was the 3rd of July.

That was kind of fun.

I didn't have to put

too much out on his cake.

This is my brother,

my only brother

and my biggest brother.

He's big, yes.

Everything was funny to Barry.

I mean, the news

was funny to Barry.

- Oh, he had a great

relationship with his father.

His father was very humorous.

And he'd say to me.

"I had some good jokes

to give him.

Barry didn't want them. "

My mother,

we'd be leaning in and,

you know, lecturing

and my brother would

talk back to her

in a voice like John Wayne.

My mother... and we would

just crack up, you know'?

Because it's my younger

brother talking to...

"Get ahold of yourself, mom. "

- And we rode around all

day in the back roads,

smoking cigars

and drinking beers.

- Yeah, we went down

to Watkins Glen.

H was 1973.

Grateful Dead playing,

The Band

and The Allman Brothers.

So, you know,

we get there the first night.

We're camping out in tents.

Huge thunderstorm comes up.

Crimmins is all of a

sudden out of the tent

with an umbrella,

looking for something.

You know, a beer or something,

you know? Whatever.

I happen to be looking,

peeking out of my tent

right at the same time.

All of a sudden this frigging

lightning bolt comes down.

Just fries the friggin umbrella,

Goes off into everywhere.

He told me he was on acid.

Probably... well, yeah.

Crimmins is, like,

running around going, like,

"Wow, did you see that?"

Anybody else would

have been fried.

- It was a good,

centrally located place

for an idyllic childhood.

Except unfortunately

the Catholic church

was only three blocks up there.

- You know, we grew up in

those years Catholic.

Being taken to church

every Sunday.

Barry was always going

to church really early

in the morning

before everybody else.

It was almost like Barry

was a servant of the church.

- There's these early morning

services in all churches,

ostensibly because priests

are supposed to say

a mass every day.

It's, like, apparently

some sort of, like,

milking a cow thing,

I don't know.

There was this priest,

Father Neary,

who hated me and

I couldn't figure out why

'cause I was a sincere kid

trying to do my job.

But early on Neary

gave me the old

pedophile shoulder rub thing.

He started that.

And I just hit him with an

elbow. it was a reflex.

And so I get stuck serving mass

with this monster every day.

And he was really scary.

He looked like

Christopher Lee,

the guy who played Dracula.

I would come in

through the basement

and I would creep in

and be as quiet as possible

because he was terrifying.

And there he would always

be sitting in this chair,

and the stained glass would

be bathing him in this eerie

green and blue and red.

And I would be on the altar

and I would pour the water

to wash his hands

and he would go,

"Are you trying to drown me?"

I would ring the bell.

"You know we don't need...

you're not working with

the fire department. "

Every day,

he just made my life miserable.

He tried to get me into

his car a couple of times.

"You wanna go get an

ice cream?" No thanks.

- Yeah, we went to the same

high school in Skaneateles.

He was a couple of

years ahead of me.

Big jock.

He just came up to me

one day and just goes,

"Listen, I'm doing a comedy

thing over at Under the Stone. "

I remember it so clearly,

just walking into

that side door

down underneath the restaurant.

And, you know, I was in the

middle of a comedy act

m Skaneateles. New York.

- I don't know if ifs

the awful weather

or what but there's

something about that area

of Central New York

where people are just,

just hilarious.

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