Camp Dread

- [Voiceover] Do you

think you're a good child

to your parents?

- Why do you want to be on TV?

- I don't wanna be on TV.

- Why you gotta

film me and sh*t?

Is this like some kinda

intervention or something?

- I didn't ask to be here.

- This outward bound sh*t

is a lot better than rehab.

Or sleeping with my hands

over my ass in jail.

- I'm being punished

because I have a girlfriend.

- Reality TV.

Can't say I watch it too much.

- Describe yourself

with just single words.

- Okay, let's see.

Nice, sincere,

and innocent.

Is that gonna get me on?

- Protective.

- Unpredictable.

- Really? Come on.

That's like,

like a, is there

another question?

Cause,

- Shark f***in' just

snatched it man,

like, a flip, I

went under and like,

when I came to I had one leg.

- Are you serious?

- Nah. I mean it sounds better

than a motorcycle

accident though.

Right?

- Why do you want to be on TV?

- I got good hair.

- F*** you.

(cellphone buzzing)

- [Voiceover] Mr. Barrett,

this is Kim France

of Globus Financial,

about your past,

- [Voiceover]

Julian, this is Brian

at Frontier Pictures, we

wanna talk Summer Camp reboot.

ASAP, give a shout.

- [Voiceover] It's me Barrett.

Money's been transferred.

Call me on this number.

- [Voiceover] How do

you feel about death?

- What?

(clicking)

(light guitar music)

(light guitar music)

(light guitar music)

- [Myrna] So, how goes

the camp, Mr. Barrett?

- [Julian] Up and running

in two weeks, Mryna.

- Good. What can I getcha?

- The usual.

- I knew that, just checking.

- Thank you, darlin'.

- [Woman] Get in the

car, get in the car!

- [Michael] I'm gonna

speak to Julian.

- [Woman] You'e not gonna

speak to Julian, Michael.

- [Michael] Yes I am.

- [Woman] About what?

- [Michael] I need to

speak to him about,

(bells jingling)

- How goes it Sheriff?

- I was thinking

of making a visit,

little bit later on today.

- How's your deputy brother?

- [Myrna] Yeah, why

didn't Michael come in?

Tell him I got some

free pie, he doesn't

have to sit out

there in the heat.

- Yes, he does.

But thank you Myrna,

I'll tell him.

- Problems with

your deputy brother?

- Nothin' I can't handle.

- [Julian] Thank you Mynra.

- [Myrna] You're welcome again,

let me get you some utensils.

- [Julian] Okay

- My dad told me that

you two never got along

when you were making

your movies up here.

- He was right.

Now you and me are in

bed together, who knew?

Kinda awkward, don'tcha think?

- I never saw any of

your movies, not one.

I don't watch horror movies.

- Why is that?

- Well, because I

think that they suck.

- Okey dokey.

Oh, I uh,

haven't really said it but

I'm sorry about your dad.

To Ray, f*** cancer.

- Look, look, the only

reason that I am even

agreeing to do this,

is because my

father gave his life

for this cum stain of a town

and while you were here

and you're off making

your movies and getting

rich and everything

all he got was a pat on

the back and a gold watch

after 50 years of service,

while cancer ate his stomach.

- There goes my appetite.

Look, it ain't

gonna happen to you.

All you gotta do is

learn to play the game.

All you gotta do.

- [Sheriff] So much

for reality TV.

- There's no such

thing as reality TV.

It's all plotted out

down to the last detail.

Unlike our reality, Donyln.

- So, tell me about these kids

you've got comin' up here,

anything I need to know about?

- They're not kids, they're

in their 20's at least

and I told ya everything.

So, you really like

playin' sheriff?

- How bad does it have

to be when you've gotta

do what you're doing just

to go back to the well?

- Hell of a question.

- Life's been a b*tch

to both of us, Julian.

- I guess so, baby.

- Cheers.

- So what's that for then?

- To getting out of this town.

- Hey, Myrna, I need

some more coffee.

- [Myrna] Sure.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

- Hey, it's good to finally

see you again, John.

- [John] So what's

going on, Julian?

- Flight was good?

- Well, first time I

ever flew first class

in this miserable career.

- Same old John.

Good to see you pal.

Let me show you around.

- My God.

Place hasn't changed

since the 80's.

Got Reagan stashed

here somewhere?

- Yeah he's dead but, I'm

still bangin' handsome.

- [Julian] That old cable

station owed me a favor.

- Techs laid out

three dozen cameras

in a two mile perimeter.

Pinhole cams get hooked

on to the contestants.

- Where's the crew?

- Hey pal, you're

lookin' at the crew.

- When's Rachel get in?

- Soon.

Yet the contestants oughta

be here ahead of her.

- Yeah, Julian, we gotta

talk about these contestants.

I have some pretty big concerns.

- Ah, let's wait for Rachel.

- They think they're

coming to some kinda

outward bound program, right?

- Well they are.

It's gonna build self esteem,

- Oh, Jesus, please don't

start with that bullshit.

Look, these are troubled kids.

They need real counselors.

Licensed therapists.

You got me and Rachel, so

unless I'm missin' something,

- Rachel went back to school

and became a counselor.

- And me?

Still haven't said why I'm here.

And do they know that

this is being pitched

as a reality show?

- It serves the

storyboard for Summer Camp

remake no matter what.

Hey, I'll tell 'em.

- So let me get this

straight, you plan a remake

of a film that you

have no funding for

based on a fake counseling camp

as a reality show for a

shot for shot template?

- Sounds pretty shitty

when you say it like that.

- You don't need me for this.

- Oh, come here.

Look what I found.

Check this out.

- No Julian! We're not

doing another take.

She's been in the water

for three f***ing hours

she's freezing.

You're such a douchebag,

turn the f***ing camera off,

turn the f***ing camera off.

- So you fly me halfway

across the country

to b*tch slap me with karma?

(laughing)

- That's funny.

- [Young man] Does anybody

want anything to drink?

- [Girl] Tomato juice.

- I'll go pay.

(whistling)

- Pump that gas hole.

You a top, bottom, or curious?

- Oh no, no, no.

The camp's got a tab here.

And a computer, there's

no internet out there.

- Really?

How'd you know I

was with the camp?

- Are you kiddin' me?

You're basically the only

folks under 60 round here.

- Yo, Adrienne.

So, we got shipped

off to f***ing camp.

I just hope it turns out to be

a f***ing camp.

Ya know what I mean?

- [Girl] Just admit, you're gay.

- You don't say sh*t to me

from the airport to here?

And now you f*** with me?

- Oh, am I f***ing with you?

- Maybe you just wanna f*** me.

- F*ggot, please.

- Say it again.

- You're so pretty, f***ing

you would make me a dyke.

- [Voiceover] This is the

actual camp they used in those

summer camp movies,

that's awesome.

Think that other group is here?

- [Voiceover] Wonder

what they're like.

- [Voiceover] Can't be

anymore f***ed up than us.

- [Voiceover] We'll

see about that.

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