Camp Dread Page #2

- [Voiceover] That must be

their car, hope they're hot.

- There they are.

My future stars.

So, any problems at the airport?

- Had a great reach

around by the TSA.

- Is that a fact?

I'm Julian Barrett,

please tell me your name

and where you're from.

- Novak, Metcalf.

- Sarah, Wesport, Conneticut.

- Vinny, my mom's vagina.

- [Adrienne] Adrienne, all over.

- Matthew, people call me Matty,

I'm from Jackson, New Jersey.

- Good to meet you Matty.

- Katie, Pennsylvania.

- Pennsylvania.

- You got cameras

in our bathrooms?

Can you watch us takin' a dump?

- Bathrooms are camera free.

- Right.

- There's no service in

this bumblefuck town, man.

- [Julian] Let's move it.

- Just saying...

(eerie orchestral music)

(eerie orchestral music)

- Home sweet home.

Great.

- Thanks. Got any boxers?

(creepy piano music)

(breathing loudly)

(suspenseful music)

(water splashing)

- Camera's every man.

You gonna need a wider lens

if you gonna get all of this.

(coughing)

(laughing)

- Sh*t.

- I know you all have

a lot of questions.

So, I'll get right to

the fact of the matter.

Okay, you're all

forced to come here,

it was either this, jail, or

rehab for almost all of you.

Fortunately, you all have

parents who care about you

and though I know most of

you don't believe that,

I think by the time

this speech is over,

you're gonna be

happy you're here.

I'm Julian Barrett.

I directed and wrote a

series of horror films

in the 1980's

called Summer Camp.

Now, while you're here

to work on yourselves,

there's the opportunity

to have some fun

and win a considerable

amount of money.

- F*** this.

I'm out.

- The winner gets

a million dollars.

- So, we're a bunch of f*** ups

and we get a shot at

a million dollars?

God bless America.

- Who knew?

Your head counselor

is Rachel Steel

from my films.

- I can't believe this,

I've never been so wet.

Rachel F***ing Steel.

- And this is the camp kitchen,

it has everything

you can think of.

- [Vinny] Pinocchio!

- It's a walk through

freezer, it's off

and the latch is broken,

stay away from it.

Follow me.

- Follow that ass anywhere.

(ominous music)

- As you know from your

agreement this is a real camp,

these are real woods with

real critters in them.

Bears are no stranger

to this place.

Big, black bears.

Okay, should there

ever be a problem,

there's a handgun in the

main desk in the boathouse.

There's ammo as well.

- You put a handgun in

the drawer and just let us

casually know it's there?

- Well you'll be glad I

did if you find yourself

being chased by a

400 pound black bear.

- Oh man, why's it always

gotta be a black thing, huh?

- Come on man.

- [Julian] That would be

funny, if that were funny.

- I'm just saying.

- Follow me.

Some cameras are still photos.

Resign yourself to the

idea that you're being

recorded all the time, okay?

- See I just don't

understand how we went

from being punished to now

we're on a reality show.

- Well, this is experimental,

it may never get picked up.

- If it doesn't get picked

up does it have anything

to do with the million bucks?

- No, the last one

standing gets it.

Last word on that.

And why do you look at a

chance to correct yourself

as being punished?

- No bro, he's just saying.

- Yo, I wanna get

caught jerkin' off,

you know like really goin' at

it, like all red in the face

and like sweatin' and sh*t,

so then they can't blur it out

and then all the

uptight people watch it

and they get all offended

and they start complainin'

and then they just start

trendin' me on Twitter and sh*t.

- How much thought

did you put into that?

- [Julian] 12 hour batteries

and everything's waterproof.

Charge overnight and

you have a backup,

keep it pinned chest

high or shoulder level,

they get everything

and what they don't get

the other three dozen will.

Okay, let's hustle up guys.

- Yo, I'm outta here, guys,

no way I'm doing this

bullshit for this kook,

I'm just sayin'.

- You know, I gotta

tell you something,

I find the phrase "just sayin''

to be a passive agressive

p*ssy way of trying

to get the last word.

If you want the last

word in an argument

just say, last word.

It throws the other person off,

you're sayin' I claimed

the last word, period.

That's the way to

do it with balls.

Or, you just punch

your no dick opponent

right the f*** out.

- Yep, but reality TV?

You can't TV reality,

I need rehab, okay?

And we all signed up for rehab.

- Not me.

- Okay, but rehab it's

like outward bound camp,

you can't just do a

switcheroo and throw

a million buck at ya.

- I'll let anyone throw

a million bucks at me.

- The only way out

is elimination.

If a single one of you forfeits,

you all lose the money.

Last word.

- Okay, I don't know

why you guys are here,

but I know why I'm here.

And this doesn't even

make sense to me,

I f***ing hate horror movies.

- F***, you will not ruin my

shot at a million dollars,

a**hole, last word.

- Lower your voice.

- Just sayin', who's with me?

- I will eliminate you.

- Hey, hey Novak.

- I will eliminate you!

- [Matty] Stop, relax, relax!

- [Novak] He's gonna

ruin it for all of us!

- Just relax!

- I'm not goin'

to f***in' rehab.

- Get out.

- [Calvin] Calm

the f*** down, man.

- I'm not goin'

to f***ing rehab.

- Alright, just relax.

(ominous, pulsing music)

(bugs chirping)

(coughing)

(cell phone chiming)

- What the f***?

(whoosing)

(screaming)

- So this kid

threatens to walk off

and you don't even care?

- It's ten miles to

town, he's not a kid,

and he's walkin' nowhere.

- He's a walking lawsuit,

Julian, that's what he is.

Jesus, you haven't

learned anything.

- John, John you

starred in three films.

- Two, Julian, two.

I was signed for more,

- Where you and Rachel hacked,

impaled, and burned kids

to death and now you have an

issue with scaring children?

What's up with you pal?

- Julian, I read their

profiles on the flight here

and these people have

some serious issues,

I mean out of everyone

you tried out, why them?

John's right, messing

with their minds,

- You mess with

millions of minds, doll.

- I think that's why I got

out and I went back to school

for counseling.

- And we weren't trying

to say our work was real,

for Christ sakes,

their movies Julian,

you know that.

This is mental abuse.

And Rachel, please don't

get all high and mighty

about your new career.

Alright, we all know that

work dried up for you

after these sh*t films,

no offense Julian,

and you got tired

of stalkers sending

you cum-stained fan letters.

- Whoo! That's rough.

Look, look you both slummed

from one horror convention

to another signing autographs

for ten buck a pop,

not bad dude.

- And you had your

assistant hand deliver me

a pretty little note

saying I was dropped

from the second film when

I had a signed contract

for at least two more.

- I asked you to be

apart of this to make

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