Camp Nowhere Page #4

- [All Shouting]

- Yeah!

Check this out.

Banzai!

Fire!

- ~~ Party at ground zero ~~

- Wooo!

- Light me.

- [Mud] I'll write more next week.

- Got it.

- Got it.

- Your son, Mud.

- ~~ Waa-aah ~~

- Ow!

- [Girl] Mud! Mud!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just burned my arm.

Who would think something like

this could happen from harmless

flares and Roman candles?

- You know, Mud, that looks bad.

- Yeah, you really need a doctor.

No, you guys. If we call a doctor,

he's gonna call my mom

and we're gonna blow the summer.

- Look, get Dennis, all right?

- Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. If this is serious, Mud,

I'm taking you home.

My mama didn't raise no fools.

Oh, except my brother Todd.

He burns hair out of his nose

with fireplace matches. Todd's... special.

Look, Dennis, I told you,

it's an extra 50 bucks.

Keep your money, pal.

Concussions and second degree burns on me.

Uh, uh. Hold still. Hold still.

Won't be another minute.

Take your time, Dr. Dunbar.

I've still gotta find six weasels in this picture.

Oooh, there's one.

We do have other magazines.

There's Newsweek somewhere.

Oh.

Mideast peace talks.

Yeah. Twelve weasels

hidden in that one.

So, Morris,

how did this happen?

Not playing with fireworks,

by any chance?

No. I burned it

on the stove making breakfast.

Ah. Yes. Those Fourth ofJuly breakfasts,

very hazardous.

Well, I think

we can save the hand.

But I'm gonna need to see you again.

Say, Tuesday?

Bye, Mud.

Feel better.

You know, we are supposed to report

firework injuries to the police.

- No. Really?

- Yeah.

- The stove is ancient.

- Thought about a microwave?

- Can't do it. Cat's got a pacemaker.

- Look, I don't know much about...

I don't know much about stoves, but I do know

something about second-degree burns.

Yeah, well, what do you know about

raisin' a kid alone?

What do you know about holding down two

jobs so your kids get the breaks you didn't?

I mean, do you and your husband

even have children?

I'm not married.

What are you getting at?

I'm not sure.

Frankly, I kinda lost the thread there myself.

Tuesday, you say?

Yeah.

Tuesday.

- I'll bring Mud along.

- Good idea.

Now, don't forget to take your pills, young un.

Four, every hour.

Uh, Dennis, that's one

every four hours.

Get outta here. Let me see that.

What are you talkin'...

Whoa.

[Chuckles]

Not the first time

that mistake's got me in trouble.

Are you sure you don't wanna come in?

We're all gonna watch Beavis and Butt-head.

- [Kids Chattering]

- [Laughs]

You know,

back in the '60s...

when we said we wanted

to change society...

maybe we should have

been more specific.

- Hello, Officer.

- Trooper Elliot Hendricks.

Uh, howdy.

I'm, uh... Phlurm.

Cy Phlurm.

Uh, with a "P-H."

What can I do for you,

Officer?

- Well, Mr., uh, Phlurm.

- Phlurm.

We've had some reports of a gang

of unruly kids in the area.

I thought I'd come check it out.

- Do you mind if we talk?

- Oh, not at all.

Uh, Rudolph,

go inside.

Put on some coffee and, uh, clean up

a little bit, okay?

Okay, Dad.

I had a report of a fireworks display,

some loud music...

Mrs. Levinson found paint splattered

on her new garage door.

Probably a couple

of rowdy kids.

Gosh, Officer, it's just me and Rudy

renting the lodge here.

Rudy's no rowdy.

But, hey, if I can help with anything else.

I'd still like to ask your son a few questions,

if you don't mind.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

[Groans] Jesus.

- [Kids Chattering]

- Shh.

- [Chattering Stops]

- [Mud] Coffee's on, Dad.

I won't take up much of your time.

Son, some folks reported hearin' fireworks...

down by the lake

on the Fourth.

- You know anything about that?

- Uh, no, Officer. I... Mm-mmm.

Uh-huh.

I'll bet you don't know anything about a bunch

of kids running through Mrs. O'Neil's garden.

Uh, no,

I can't run.

- I have asthma.

- You have as...

Oh, I... I'm sorry.

I didn't... Um...

Asthma's what?

A-Z...

- A-S...

- A-S.

[Mud]

T...

H... M...

A.

- [Coughing]

- [Dennis Coughing]

[Choking]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Groans]

Oh, I shifted

my liver on that one.

Are you...

Is he all...

Doctor says it's a bronchial virus.

[Hacking]

- [Choking] Oh, please sit. Sit.

- Don't mind if I do.

- No! Not that one!

- What?

- I use that one.

- Excuse me.

- Eczema! Persistent.

- What?

- [Chuckling]

- Chronic. Oh, don't ask.

[Panting]

Personally...

I think I get the cough

from inhaling the flakes.

[Hacking]

Sit. Sit.

- [Mumbling]

- Rudy...

remember to bring Officer Hendricks's coffee

in the blue mug, not the green one.

- Dad, yours is the blue one.

The green one's for company.

- [Chokes]

- No, Rudolph, mine's the green one!

- Dad, yours is the blue one.

[Both Arguing]

The green one...

I don't want him to get the disease.

- I don't have any more questions.

I'll take a rain check.

- Please, sit.

No, thank you.

Thanks for your cooperation.

- Thank you.

- [Coughing]

- The green one is for company.

The blue one is yours.

- [Sighs]

That was close.

You were sent to Earth...

to punish me,

weren't you?

I'm sorry, Dennis, but listen,

none of this'll happen again because...

everything's fine.

[Thunderclap]

- This bites.

- [Kids] Yeah.

We should just

go home.

[Kids]

Yeah.

At least at home

they have cable.

[All]

Cable. Yeah.

- Baywatch!

- [All] Baywatch!

Baywatch!

Come on, you guys. Do you know

how much trouble we'd be in?

We? It wasn't

my dumb idea.

[Girl]

Yeah, we couldjust blame it on you guys.

[Boy]

Yeah, it was your idea.

- [Door Slams]

- Hi, Warren. Hey, Dale.

[Winston Churchill's Voice] At last I had the

authority to give directions over the scene.

I felt as if I were walking

with destiny.

- And that all my past life

had been but a preparation...

- What is that?

- For this hour and for this trial.

- Winston Churchill.

TheJimi Hendrix

of the spoken word.

- Who's Jimi Hendrix?

- The MichaelJordan of the electric guitar.

Dennis,

are you busy?

[Chuckles]

Is that a trick question?

No. Look, I know I said I wouldn't bother you,

but... you gotta help me.

They're thinking about going home.

If this thing blows up, I could... go to prison.

Yeah, sure,

I can see it now.

Just as the warden

straps you into the chair...

your dad says,

"It's a dirty shame, Nancy.

The kid had such... potential."

Exactly.

I mean, they talk about me like I'm unemployed

or something. I'm just a kid, you know?

And what do they say

when you... tell them that?

Well, I mean,

I try, but...

Do you know what the first law

of the theater is, Mud?

- What?

- Talk loud enough for people to hear you!

Oh. Yeah.

So, uh...

[Shouting]

Are you gonna help me?

Much better.

No.

I'll, uh...

I'll pay you 200 bucks.

[Gasps]

So you think

you can buy me?

Well, sure you can.

Let the games begin!

[Kids Cheering]

[Dennis] First event...

synchronized swimming. Very good.

[Screaming]

Second event:

Greco-Roman wrestling!

Oh-ho, very impressive.

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