Camp Nowhere Page #5

Filthy!

Come on,

bobsledding team!

Wipeout!

Final event...

Mud in the mud!

[Dennis]

But the people were filled with fear.

[Trish]

They prayed for seven days and seven nights...

until the heavens finally

answered their call.

And so, the goddess defeated

the army of demons.

- [All Gasping]

- [Moaning]

[Dennis]

Then, vomited up the sun and the stars...

back into the inky

curtain ofheaven.

[Trish]

And thus, the heavens were preserved.

[Dennis]

Then, the windmill of the gods...

began to turn...

again.

That was really,

really cool.

Thanks a lot,

Dennis.

[Guitar Playing

"Star-Spangled Banner"]

[Chattering]

- Thanks, Gaby.

- You're welcome.

- Whatcha doin'?

- Omelettes.

- Here, get to work.

- What's wrong with Pop Tarts and Slim Jims?

I don't know.

I just kind of got tired of the stuff.

Why don't you

chop some mushrooms?

I don't get it.

I mean...

what happened to the part

about the best summer of our lives?

- I mean, why do we end up doing all the work?

- Same reason we don't shoplift...

or cut class:

It's a curse.

- I shoplifted once.

- Ha! You stole something?

- Uh-huh.

- Ten to one you went back and paid.

Okay, you're right.

It's a curse. I...

Look, I'm just glad

there's two of us.

Me too.

Okay, troops,

line up.

Ashley:
Mushroom.

Amber:
Onion.

- Lenny:
Plain.

- Cheese!

- You said plain.

- Cheese!

- Plain.

- Cheese.

- Plain. Plain.

- Cheese. Cheese.

- Cheese.

- Plain.

Okay, fine, you win.

Plain.

Who says you can't

learn anything from cartoons?

Good one.

[Chuckles]

So, keep it bandaged till the weekend,

don't get it wet...

and if anybody asks,

you took a bullet for the president.

- All right.

- So you and your dad been

sharing chores in the kitchen?

Oh, yes.

Every meal.

That must be tough

with your dad working all the time.

Oh, no, see,

he makes the time.

Yeah. Because we...

we do stuff together.

We play baseball.

Yeah. And we, uh...

chase squirrels?

I mean, we talk a lot! [Chuckles]

Yeah, we talk a lot.

And, uh... And you...

I mean, me and him, we're... Well...

we're best friends.

He gives me tons of advice

about teenage problems like...

on drugs and alcohol

and girls and...

kisses and teachers

and acne and peer pressure.

- [Snaps Finger]

- Great.

He's my role model.

Well, uh, I think

you'll pull through.

You could stand to gain

a few pounds though.

Well, if you're concerned about the nutritional

arrangements, why not check 'em out yourself?

- Pardon me?

- Come over for dinner Friday.

If I don't feed you from all four food groups,

you can report me to the authorities.

- That won't be necessary.

- Come on. It's part of the Hippocratic oath.

I don't recall Hippocrates

mentioning dinner.

Then he was a fool.

Come on. Don't make me

burn the kid's arm again.

I'll be there.

[Laughs]

All right.

But how could you invite her over?

I mean, she's gonna find out.

Mud, in a couple of years,

two things will happen:

One:
You'll grow a ridiculous mustache

that looks like fruit mold on your upper lip;

two... you'll suddenly

understand why men...

invite charming,

attractive women to dinner.

- But, Dennis...

- Relax, Mud. Van Welker

will protect your secret.

Besides, Mom always

wanted me to marry a doctor.

- Ow!

- Bonjour, guys. We got beer.

Zack, they're

gonna card you.

[Zack]

Chill, Mud.

This is way covered.

I. D?

You gotta be 19 to buy this stuff.

No problemo.

- You were born in 1963?

- Yeah.

- [Chuckles] So that would make you...

- 21.

No! This is 1994.

That would make you 31.

Wrong.

If he was born in 1963...

and he's 21 then it's 1984.

[Scoffs]

Can I see that I.D.,

Bobby?

Purchasing alcohol with a fake I.D.

Is a crime in this state, son.

But it's for my dad!

He's in the parking lot.

He's very, very, uh, handicapped.

I'll go get him.

I'm sorry, son. Get Officer Hendricks over here.

Tell him we got an underage.

- Let's go, son.

- No! Dad!

Dad?

- Dad?

- Dad.

This guy didn't believe I was buyin' beer

for you 'cause of your bum leg.

Oh.

[Laughs]

So, you had trouble

buyin' brew...

for your dear,

old dad.

- Hey, son?

- That's my dad.

[Dennis]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, Mike.

But, the beer

is for me.

Breakfast of champions.

Yeah.

I do love my beer.

Mmm.

Hey, look at this.

[Grunts]

Looks real, eh?

Well, it's...

it's very lifelike, sir.

Ha-ha! And you don't

waste time washing it.

A little floor wax twice a month

and I'm in business.

- Uh-huh.

- [Gaby] That was close.

[Trish]

Oh, I know. Tres close.

- There's a cop following us.

- Uh-oh. It's Hendricks.

What are we gonna do?

[Brakes Screech,

Horn Honks]

- [Gaby] Wigwam Wash 'N Go?

- [Zack] What are we doing at a car wash?

- [Trish] This'll never work.

- [Dennis] Haven't you ever

heard of a clean getaway?

- [Zack] I still think we could

have got the beer.

- You could've gotten probation.

Stay in the car. I'll check it out.

Hey, see you, guys.

- Pull up, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.

We've got an emergency here.

- [Woman] Okay.

Radioactive road grit.

If you just pull up forward, I'll get you goin'.

Thanks, ma'am.

- Help you, Officer?

- Yeah. Have you seen a...

Haven't I seen you

out at the Feln place?

- Phlurm.

- Come on, just pull in. Spiff up

the cruiser for you. No charge.

- Thanks. Hey, have you seen

any Caribbean yellow Gremlins?

- No problem.

No, but I seen a couple

of little blue pixies.

- Do I get out or what?

- No! Just roll up your window.

- Oh, damn.

- Phlurm, what the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna talk you through the process.

A little service Wigwam provides...

to help the customers better understand

the car wash experience.

[Grunting]

This is soap that's biodegradable.

Think how much this would hurt...

[Groaning]

If we used old-fashioned

abrasive brushes! Ah!

Industrial grit remover.

You can feel it working.

Whoa! Gotta love it!

Gotta love it!

We rinse with water

heated to 130.

[Groaning]

Or maybe 140 degrees!

Finally, the gentle

air drying.

[Heavy Blowing]

- [Blowing Stops]

- And there you have it. Thanks for...

using Wigwam.

[Alarm Blaring]

Dennis,

what happened?

Complimentary hot wax.

[Trish]

Hurry, get in!

[Engine Starts]

[Mud]

Okay, time for another letter to our parents.

Now, the computer camp had a big pizza

cookout on Friday. We watched Star Trek IV.

- Everybody seen that?

- Is that the one where he

fights the big Russian guy?

Arnold, that's Rocky IV.

- How do you spell pizza?

- No, no, Lenny, you're at fat camp, remember?

You don't get pizza at fat camp.

You get... chicken breasts with

lemon. Now write that down.

Pizza in fat camp.

What a dope!

- [Kids Laughing]

- Check the Barney.

Why don't you tell them about how you

won the pie-eating contest too, Lenny?

- [Kids] Oooh.

- Sniff my butt, toe breath.

- Would you guys shut up?

- Hey, midget, find my Waldo.

- What Waldo?

- Would you guys be careful?

- Back off, geek!

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