Camp Nowhere Page #6

- You're gonna put somebody's

eye out with that!

I'm turning

into my parents.

Eeew.

[Gaby]

Mud? Can I come in?

Are you okay?

This whole camp

was my idea.

But nobody listens to me, you know.

I mean, everybody hates me.

Everybody

does not hate you.

No, just everybody in camp

and all the girls.

Girls don't hate you.

You think girls hate you?

- Gaby, I'm a geek.

- You're not a geek. Morris...

Gaby, look, I'm a geek.

All right?

It's okay for boys to be geeky.

For a girl, it's different.

I could wind up wearing a hairnet

and serving Jell-O in a cafeteria.

No, that won't happen,

because tons of girls start out...

lumpy.

But, uh, I mean, that'll all change.

You'll lose a little bit of weight.

Then you'll start

to grow some...

chests.

And then you'll be, I don't know, going out

with guys that hang me up by my underwear.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Let's make an oath, okay?

When we get cool, neither of us will

go out with those kind ofjerks, okay?

Who will we

go out with?

Each other.

I mean, ex-geeks like us.

- Because we'll be cool.

- Okay. Deal.

I mean, later.

Right.

When... we're cool.

Right.

- [Grunts]

- [Bangs Furniture]

One sick puppy!

Rubber chicken.

Figures.

Well, Van Welker.

Hmm.

Easy Cheese.

Can I help you?

So, um, exactly how much butterfat

is there in your low butterfat Brie?

I think, um,

like three or four milligrams an ounce.

Wow.

That's low!

So, is that less than your cholesterol-free

Dutch Gouda back there?

- I'll have to check.

- [Man] And a lactic acid, salt...

Gotcha, Van Welker.

- Ready for dinner, son?

- Ready, Dad.

- All right. Hand-held video game,

downstage on the couch.

- Yeah.

Mitt and

comic books here.

- Galactic Gladiator. Whose are those?

- They're mine.

You read comics? I thought you were

a 62-year-old in a kid suit.

Yeah, well, I have to

hide 'em when I'm at home.

If my dad sees 'em, he'll say somethin' stupid

like, "You're too smart to read comics."

Remember, Mud, just 'cause you're smart

doesn't mean you can't act stupid.

It's your constitutional right,

young man.

Okay.

[Claps Hands] For tonight's menu...

chicken, lima beans!

Lima beans?

Ha.

- Sorry, I don't eat lima beans.

- Sorry, pal.

It's our green vegetable. We gotta convince

the lovely doctor that your daddy...

is taking good care

of you, Morris.

The reason I came to camp was to get away

from computers and lima beans, so forget it!

- [Horn Honking]

- I'm not gonna eat it.

- I don't have time to argue.

- Too bad.

- How 'bout a buck a bean?

- What?

One dollar for every bean you eat.

Ten beans, ten bucks.

- No.

- Come on! That's more than

the government pays farmers...

- not to grow 'em.

- Fine.

- Good!

- Great!

- [Dunbar] Hello?

- Remember, we're a happy family.

- I'm happy!

- We're up! We're positive.

- I'm up! I'm positive!

- We're making eye contact.

- Fine!

- Anybody home?

- Come in.

Hi.

- Good evening.

- Hi.

- Boy, this chicken's really great.

- Great lima beans, Dad.

- 63.

- Wow!

I've never seen a kid with such a taste

for lima beans. This is amazing.

- 64.

- Yeah, it's great.

Just don't fill up

on those things, Morris.

We've got ice cream

for desert.

- I got plenty of room.

- Slow down, Morris.

- 70!

- I'd hate to see you choke.

I'll get the ice cream.

- He's a really great kid.

- Yeah.

- You get a lot of help from his grandparents?

- I, uh...

He had a great relationship

with my father.

But, uh, Dad died

a couple of years ago.

I'm sorry.

Mud, you must miss your grandpa, huh?

Uh, yeah, but he promised

to take me fishing next fall.

I haven't had the heart

to tell him yet.

[Whispering]

That's not healthy, Dennis.

I know. I know.

Soon.

[Radio Playing "Linger"]

You got a stomachache

or something?

Hungry?

Are you homesick?

Hey, you can help me

clean this carburetor.

- We'll play poker!

- Can we make a necklace?

You want me

to make a necklace?

Okay, a necklace it is.

This kind of necklace?

All right. Why don't you take this

back to your cabin...

pick out the ones you like and tomorrow

we'll make me a necklace.

[Chuckling]

Thanks, Zack.

[Continues]

That was really sweet,

Zack.

Yeah.

You know, if you wore a skirt right now,

I'd be in heaven.

Tres immature,

don't you think?

Yeah. Sorry I'm not

mature enough for you.

And her dad

was a surgeon.

And he's wiped out.

I think we should put him to bed.

Which room is his?

Um, that one.

I gave him the big one.

- Need help?

- No, no, no, no. It's okay.

- I got it.

- Okay.

So, anyway, his dad

was a surgeon.

I was the rebel and became

a general practitioner.

- Are you sure I can't help?

- Oh, no, you stay there.

- Pour yourself some more wine.

- Okay.

[Grunts]

He sure loves his room.

- So you're really gonna drop out, huh?

- Yeah.

Probably.

Yeah, well, I've thought

about dropping out.

And then, you know,

go back and get my degree later.

That's what

Drew Barrymore did.

Yeah, but you can't

drop out!

I mean, who'd sing

"The Greatest Love of All" at assembly?

Don't remind me.

Yeah, it must be hell being

the most popular person in our grade.

- Yeah, you should know.

- Nah.

People don't really like me.

They're just afraid of me.

Yeah, well,

I'm not afraid of you.

- You're not?

- Nope.

'Cause you're

not that big.

And you're not as bad as you want

everyone to think you are.

Yeah, well,

I'm not afraid of you either!

[Dennis] The only question on the final was,

what didn't you learn in this class?

- Cool! That's great!

- Yeah.

- So why did you quit?

- Huh?

Teaching, I mean.

Uh, I, uh...

don't know.

[Sighs]

I think I remember

why I started.

I had this naive notion

that I could reach the kids...

inspire them,

not just to be actors...

inspired... accountants...

inspired trombone players...

inspired doctors.

Like you.

[Heavy Metal Guitar]

[Kids Cheering]

- [Continues]

- [Laughing, Yelling]

[Yelling]

I'll kick your butt!

Come here! Where are you?

[Continues]

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

We're out here,

in Mud's room.

Good Lord...

there must have been

a tornado.

- Guess I owe you an explanation.

- You owe the parents an explanation.

- I told you, my parents are the problem.

- Mine too.

Kids can get hurt or sick overnight

with no adult supervision.

I'm an adult.

Technically.

Look, I'll...

I'll look after them.

I'll be a full-time adult.

Oh? Like you were

a full-time drama teacher?

And Mud's father?

Well, the father part...

was... a stretch...

but the teacher,

the free spirit...

the sexual dynamo,

that's me.

I bet you don't even

like lima beans.

Celeste...

do you really think

I'd let anything happen to these kids?

There's two weeks left

in the summer.

I'll let you examine

every one of them.

They're not criminals.

Give 'em a break,

please?

Please?

I don't like this.

I really, really

don't like this.

Trish is the lead in Annie,

directed by Steven Spielberg's nephew.

- And we're not gonna see it!

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