Camp Nowhere Page #7

- Well, I'm sure Caitlin won't mind.

Trish, dear. Her name is Trish.

And I mind.

"No Parents' Day."

It's ridiculous!

Well, you know, we do have a standing

invitation from your sister upstate.

Let's make a weekend of it

and just drop by, hmm?

What are they gonna do,

spit on us?

I suppose that depends on how much

she's been drinking.

Not your sister, dear.

I meant the camp people.

[Tape Rewinding,

Machine Beeping]

Uh, hello,

this is Michael Burkey.

We heard the Prescotts are coming to see

their Trish in Annie this Sunday...

so we thought we'd come

see our Heather too.

- [All Groaning]

- [Machine Beeping]

Hi, this is Dorothy Welton,

Walter's mom.

I know you discourage

parents from visiting...

but my husband will be in the area

on a business trip Sunday...

- Yeah. Business trip?

- [Sighing]

Right!

He owns a dry cleaners.

Maybe he's going

to a stain convention.

We're screwed.

We are so screwed.

[Kids Agreeing]

We're screwed.

- Not necessarily, you guys.

- We're worse than screwed,

you guys, we're dead.

- I've got an idea.

- Blow your idea, dwarf.

We can't fight our parents.

He's right, Mud. They're older,

they're meaner and they outnumber us.

- I've got an idea!

- Besides, maybe if we

come up with something...

Shut up, Zack!

- You want me to pound him?

- Yeah, Zack. You want him to pound me?

You're not gonna let this pygmy

tell you what to do, are you?

That's what he's been doing all along.

This whole camp was Mud's idea.

If it wasn't for Mud, I'd be scrubbing toilets

with a toothbrush at Steelgrave.

- Zack, you said it was your...

- Shut up, Tim!

Get up there, buddy.

[Sighs]

Okay, you guys, it's simple.

- All the parents want a Parents' Day, right?

- [Kids Agreeing]

Okay, so we'll give 'em a Parents' Day,

all four camps. And on the day they want it.

[Muttering Unhappily]

You guys, it's like

Winston Churchill once said...

"All our past lives has been

but a preparation...

for this hour

and this trial."

Okay, forget

Winston Churchill.

Look, anybody who wants

to give me the next 36 hours...

to pull off the greatest

scam of all time...

just raise your hand.

[Rock]

~~ All right ~~

~~ I got eight little fingers

and only two thumbs ~~

~~ Will you leave me in peace

while I get thejob done ~~

~~ Can't you see

I'm working on it ~~

~~ Oh-oh ~~

- ~~ I'm working on it ~~

- ~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Oh-oh ~~

- ~~ I'm working on it ~~

- ~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Well, they're coming from above me

They're coming from below ~~

~~ Yeah, they're right behind me

everywhere that I go ~~

~~ And my buddy, he's screaming

down the telephone line ~~

~~ He says, gimme, gimme, gimme

'cause I ain't got the time ~~

~~I said, oh

Oh-oh ~~

- ~~ I'm working on it ~~

- ~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Oh-oh

I'm working on it ~~

- Yes!

- ~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Oh, how 'bout lovin; girl

Just you and me ~~

~~ Take a day

Take a day, yeah ~~

- ~~ And fly ~~

- ~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Oh, this job has got

the best of me ~~

~~ Working on it ~~

~~ Oh-oh

I've been working on it ~~

Anyway, I gotta go do laundry.

I'll see you Sunday at 3:00.

Okay, bye.

Hi, Mom.

Yeah, this is Arnold.

Hey, guess what?

There's gonna be a Parents' Day after all.

[Cheering, Applauding]

- [Cheering, Applauding Continues]

- Bravo, bravo!

[Winston Churchill's Voice] We shall defend

our island, whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight on the beaches.

We shall fight on the landing grounds.

We shall fight in the fields

and in the streets.

We shall never surrender.

The enemy's arrived.

[Mud]

Okay, cue Savage.

Savage to foxhole.

We've got company.

- Roger.

- Roger.

Stop! Stop!

- Come on, come on. Fire zone, stay down!

- [Machine Gun Fire]

- Stay down! Fire zone!

- [Yelling]

- Hi, Dad.

- Nice to see you.

[Gunfire Continues]

Full field exercise.

All campers and parents are combatants.

- More firepower.

- [Gunfire On Speaker]

- [Panting]

- Watch your six.

- [Gunfire Continues]

- Come on, Dad. Move yourjets!

Oh! Damn it!

- Our job is to post the ridge

and hold the position.

- Check.

- Okay, whatever you do... Heads up!

- Hey!

- Watch out for...

- Booby traps?

- [Grunts]

- Yes!

Okay, remember, we can't

leave our positions, even to piss.

Major says that's

tantamount to desertion.

Yeah.

[Panting]

- Check.

- Attack!

Fox is in the hole.

We'll check on him in a few hours.

- Okay, military parents in the hole. Hatch shut.

- Got it!

Let's hit the switch.

Go signs, go actors. Dennis, you are up.

Exit Savage.

Enter Grotowski.

Direct hit.

Ready for drama camp.

Hey! This is my goddamn house and

I'll talk any goddamn way I want to!

Now, Stanley! There's no call to use

such language to Blanche.

[Eastern European Accent]

No, no, Eileen, Stanley is animal...

savage!

What, what?

Can you not see I am with children?

Bob Spiegel, Arnold's father.

We're looking for the production of Annie.

This is Tennessee

for Tots Workshop.

Theater is down the hill.

You must hurry.

You are late.

- Late? Parents' Day starts at noon.

- Nine!

- Arnold told me noon!

- Hurry!

Tennessee to H.Q.,

the Spiegels have landed.

[Norris]

God, I hate these horse shows!

[Rachel]

This is theater camp, dear.

Two theater bogies

on final approach.

- Talk 'em in, Amber.

- Ready sound, ready chorus, ready, Walter.

- Damn it, how did you screw up the time?

- She distinctly said it was noon!

- I'm sorry, the place is packed.

- [Groans]

But I'll let you in the side door

so you can watch from the wings.

[Parent Chattering

Excitedly]

Go!

Roger that.

~~ [Piano]

~ Tomorrow, tomorrow ~

~ I love ya, tomorrow ~

~~ You're only a day ~~

~~ A-way ~~

[Applause On Tape]

Blind 'em!

- Let's go, let's go!

- Thank you!

Bravo, bravo!

[Applause Continues]

- Oh, hi, Mom!

- Mom, Dad!

Oh, darling!

You were... wonderful!

- How did I do?

- Loved that opening number.

They bought it.

Let's go!

Yes!

[Muttering]

Theater parents, gone.

Move Annie out. Everything.

Raise the dummies, hurry!

Raise the Christmas tree.

Don't forget the snow. We've gotta

clean out the room for fat camp.

Hurry! Hurry!

Ready for the fatties.

Go sign, go liverwurst, go aerobics music!

[Dance]

[Together]

Yes!

- [Both Grunt]

- Sleek-away sign, clear!

All right,

let's sweat!

- [Continues]

- Tummies tucked, buttocks pinched!

Only 600 more!

Then you can taste

some of our famous chocolate cake!

- Where are the C-rations?

- Right here.

- How's your dad?

- Miserable. He hates liverwurst.

- Thanks.

- [Chuckling]

- Oh, my God!

- Mom?

- Oh, my God, you are so skinny!

- Really, I can explain.

You see, it...

I'm what?

Look at you, you're bony.

What, did you lose 10, 15 pounds?

- Here, turn around. Let me look at you.

- Mom, stop!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in the islands.

I missed you.

- What?

- Look at you, you're practically svelte.

Yeah.

[Both Laughing]

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