Candiland

1

- What does this guy do, again?

- He's my business manager.

Pays all my bills.

Telephone, rent, charge cards,

everything.

I want him to pay yours too.

I mean, let's face it:

We both recently got

huge cash settlements,

we don't

need to worry about money, so

why should we, right?

- I'm ashamed of those days.

I'm ashamed of myself, and

embarrassed.

I feel like a failure.

- Ah, new sheets!

And they're grey.

- Oh, no.

We want color in a thousand

threat count!

Go get feather pillows.

Hi.

I'll take these.

Mm-mm.

- That'll be $503.65.

Thank you.

Do you...

- No, I do not.

- Thank you.

Have a nice day.

- Don't I need to sign it?

- You already did, ma'am.

- Oh.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Thank you.

- Ready?

- Oh,

yeah, I just need some Ba-

please tell me this is the

last thing we had to do.

- That's it.

- Okay, let's get back to your

house.

Oh, you should've had those

ready.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Oh, I'm lost in Candiland.

If only my father were here to

help me!

Oh, hi dad, how you doing?

You're my father!

- Seriously, Samson?

Every time we get around dead

bodies

you go all pre-school on me.

Grow some balls.

- Lighten up.

Just trying to figure out their

mindset.

Look at this place.

Call from:
God.

- Peter, pick up the phone

please.

I know you hear my voice, come

on.

I'm beginning to know your

answering machine quite well

this past month.

- If you don't talk

to him, he's gonna come here.

- This is your father

talking; That's an order.

- Hello?

Good dad, good.

- Now, how's the knee?

Uh, that's a stupid question.

I just wanted to make sure

you're okay.

That's all.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving

for England tomorrow.

There's a chance I could

get to go on with them

and do some promoting

on a world class level.

Maybe a month.

I've got everything taken

care of on this end.

Well I made the contact

a long time ago, dad.

It just came up.

- Take care.

And give my regards to the

queen.

He's coming back.

- Well hello there, neighbor.

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah.

Follow me.

- It's not every day

that the elusive Arnie

asks me over; It must

be a special occasion.

- Here are your pie plates.

Thanks for spoiling me.

- Oh great, cause these

cost about 30 cents each.

- I washed them.

- You okay?

- - Yeah.

- Is it your knee, do you need a

doctor?

- No, no, no. It just clicks

sometimes.

Just the way it's gonna have to

be.

Could've been worse.

- It's good to have a positive

attitude.

- In fact, I never used to

believe in god.

- Do you now?

- What am I missing here, Arnie?

What's the magic formula?

Is it cherry?

Blueberry?

- All of the above.

- Me, I just

have the book of Arnie.

- What's that?

- Let's see what psalm 14 has to

say.

- I want you to know

that drinking isn't the answer.

Take it from me.

It prolongs your depression.

- Thou shalt not drink. Praise

Arnie.

- How many pies has a

gal gotta bake before you

take a hint and ask her out?

Oh, because sooner or later

she's gonna open up

her stupid mouth hoping

that you'll rescue her.

Please tell me you're following

me, Arnie.

- You want to go out?

- Pick me up at seven?

- Yes ma'am.

- We just grew apart.

And now he thinks some cheap

advice is gonna fix everything.

- Well he is not gonna be an

issue

for the next little while, so I

think

we should...

Remove him from the apartment.

- All messages deleted.

- I'm half empty without you.

Marines don't cry.

You're all I got.

And I love you so much.

- Hi.

- - Hello.

- New sheets!

- Is it too early to

fall in love with you?

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't

realize you were awake.

- I've been here for so

long without going home.

- Tess! Look at me.

For the first time in

ages I meet someone who

makes me feel at peace, and what

do I do?

I get so excited...

That I smother her.

I'm really not like this.

I'm just so happy.

- I'm happy too.

But there's...

There's something about

me that you don't know.

I can't have children.

- That's it? You can't have

kids?

- That's what...

My scar is from.

I was pregnant...

Something went wrong so they

took it

out of me, they...

They took it all out of me.

- Tess, I don't want kids.

- You say that now.

- Thought about it

upside down and sideways.

No interest.

- Charles wanted kids more than

he wanted me.

- Maybe he's the one

who's missing something.

He let the perfect contessa

slip through his fingers.

- You think I'm perfect?

- Oh, I love having you here.

- That was...

I've always felt like

I've been alone before.

I think that's the first

time I've ever made love.

- What's happening here?

- I've never felt so close so

fast.

- So how's the billster doing

with soccer?

- Oh, pretty good.

He's gotta hit the field more,

but uh,

he's all obsessed with this blog

of his.

- You gotta beat that art

sh*t right out of him.

Trust me, you don't want him to

end up

like one of these whack jobs.

- It tickles!

Is it a puppy dog?

- Uh-uh.

- Is it a truck?

- Nope.

- Is it a pair of pants?

- Ha, wrong!

Now press back,

and hold still.

- I can do that.

- Can you now?

- It's a cactus.

- It's not a cactus!

I think it looks like us.

Our own little private

expression.

- Uh-oh.

But now the rest of the

place looks super bland.

- Yeah!

You're right!

How dare this goddamn place be

so boring!

- We have to fight against it!

- Yeah!

- Delivery, paint.

- Just leave it.

- I need a signature, please.

This is all the...

That we had left over.

- Leave!

- Pardon me?

- - Leave!

- What about the Dolly?

- Charge me.

- Oh, I'm gonna charge you.

- That's gonna dry like that.

- Well...

Who needs heat?

- I feel like we need some

music.

- Yeah, that's a fantastic idea.

- I'm starting to believe in

god.

- Really?

- I think you're god.

- Then you must me god too.

That means that I can

actually learn about god

by studying you.

- That's gonna take a long time.

- Shh!

There is no time in here!

- What do you mean, there's

no time in your apartment?

- This is...

Candiland.

&k there goes my heart

&k it goes... &k

no calendars, no clocks, no

time.

- No more social media

judgements.

- Mm-mm.

- I'll do it if you do it.

- I'll do it.

I'm doing it!

&k there goes my heart &k

- I am king Peter, and

you are queen contessa!

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- The citizens

of Candiland are not safe.

- No one is a match for

the 50 foot librarian!

- The army is in its way!

We're gonna take her down,

that's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna throw

everything we've got at her.

If she thinks that she

can come to our city

and, oh no, she's coming!

- I am coming for you.

- We meet again, gigantor man!

You really think you can handle

this?

- I came here to bend you over

the bed.

- I can't kiss you!

I can't kiss you.

Aw, your nose!

- Malfunction, malfunction.

- What is our purpose?

I mean, if we are god, and well,

we are...

Who are we helping,

because isn't the meaning

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