Candiland Page #2

of life to help others?

- Well we're helping each other.

- I guess so.

- Well...

Maybe we need to help each other

first,

and then we'll figure

out how to help others.

We need to meld together first.

Become as close as possible.

- Peter...

- Hm?

- Will you marry me?

- Right now?

Absolutely, of course!

What do you mean, like the

merging of two dualities?

Should we do it right now?

- No, no, no I think we should

think about it, and then do it

right.

- Well, okay, so how should we

do it then?

- Um, well we have to write our

vows.

- He's not there?

Thank you, sir.

- Okay, enough with the phone.

- England's got a lot of hotels.

- If he wanted you to

have his phone number,

he would've called you.

- You ready?

- Yes!

Okay.

Ta-da!

- Wow.

- Peter needs to get

back on the right track,

and I am what he needs.

- No, he needs to jump out of

the nest.

He needs to spread his wings.

He doesn't need his father

telling him what to do.

- Where are your papers and

everything?

- Mm, shh.

King Peter, I want to live here

in Candiland with you

forever.

- Hold it!

I'm not just his father,

I'm his everything.

- Wow.

- - Yes wow.

- So you smothered the poor

boy, and now you're gonna

fix everything by smothering him

again?

- Queen Tessa...

I wanna live here with you

in Candiland forever.

- What I'm telling you is-

- you just want to be in

control.

- Is that you, Arnie?

- - Yes.

- Well...

You don't always have to be the

leader.

- And so we are one.

- Maybe you should try

following.

- Yes ma'am.

- I love you, Peter.

Good morning, honey lover.

- Did I notice any strange

smells?

You know I live right next

to the garbage chute, right?

And I work at a chemical plant.

And my girlfriend's an escort.

So I'm kinda, like,

used to weird smells.

- Okay, well did you

notice anything unusual

from the guy living in 619?

- Nah, he seemed like a

pretty cool dude actually.

- Peter, can you hear me?

- I'm worried about my knee.

- Well, there are surgical

procedures that we can do, but

nothing is 100%.

We can help you get your

quality of life back though.

- Will any of these things

result in me

playing tennis again?

- No.

No.

I know you don't want to believe

this, but

you're a lucky man.

- But tennis is all I have.

- Cold.

Well you're gonna have to

start looking at the world

a little bit differently, Peter.

You look around,

you'll find something worth

living for.

- And that's it?

- Yes, you hear me Peter?

- There's nothing else you can

do for me?

- There is one thing, doctor.

- Yes, yes there is one thing.

One thing that will solve

all of your problems,

get you back on the court by

Monday.

- Really, what is it?

Please tell me, I'll try

anything.

- It's the fresh scent of

bright beam laundry detergent.

Oh, nothing leaves a softer-

&k bright beam &k

- bright beam laundry detergent.

Nothing gets your clothes...

- Peter?

What's going on?

- Nothing.

The television broke.

It's nothing.

And who needs it.

Who needs time?

Force me into some pointless

routine.

I'm not a slave to schedule

anymore!

- Hey!

Hey, what the f*** man?

Hey, you can't leave your

f***ing shitty TV here, man.

What the f***?

Hey!

I'm calling the manager, f***

face.

Hey man, come on.

- Someone will take the set

away.

It's not that big a deal.

- Let's just have a little

conversation about you

and where you place your

TV man, that's it man.

Just me and you and my fist in

your face.

- Guy's probably got a

list of sins a mile long

but he's Mr. Consumatic!

Screaming like a jackass

at another human being!

- You got some serious f***ing

issues.

You know what?

I'm gonna keep this f***ing

clock.

This is f***ing mine.

- I don't want to go out there.

- All the way up and

down this f***ing hallway

you piece of sh*t!

F***ing a**hole.

Dick.

- It'll go away.

- What's it like for you

not being able to have kids?

- I feel...

Broken.

I feel trapped

inside the body that killed my

baby.

- Tess...

You are the most beautiful woman

that I've ever met.

- I'm hideous.

- You're gorgeous.

You have a beautiful face,

and a painfully sexy body.

- You're the first person to

ever make me feel attractive.

- Well, you've been with the

wrong people.

You are the perfect woman.

And these...

Are the perfect breasts.

- They don't feel perfect.

- What do they feel like?

- Tombstones.

I miss my baby.

How do you miss someone that

you've never even met?

- It's okay, Tess.

You can let it out.

I'm here.

- Don't make me break this door

down.

I've been the nobel's office.

Food is delivered here every

week.

- Is this how my night's

gonna go right now?

I'm just gonna have people

yelling at every goddamn door?

Can I help you, man?

- Get back in there.

- The f*** is going on here?

- Stay in there!

- I'm calling the cops you

motherf***er!

- Call 'em, dummy.

- You can't even live

your own life, old man!

- You don't know what's going on

anymore!

- The second I find happiness

here you are desperate to take

it away.

- Peter, come on, this is your

father.

- Well not this time!

- Hm.

- I am a legal adult now,

and there ain't a goddamn

thing that you can do

to get into this place.

- I like that, I like that

attitude.

- I hate you!

- For god's sake.

- I hate you, and I

don't want anything ever

to do with you ever again.

- I'm dismissed.

- I'm free now.

You answered my prayers.

- Did you get it?

- What?

Did I get what? What're you

talking about?

You asked me if I got it.

What did I get?

- I'm sorry Peter, I just woke

up.

I must've been dreaming or

something.

Peter moping so long!

- Sorry. I upset dad.

- Yeah?

He's gone!

Been long gone since a long

time.

What would you like for...

Food time?

Ooh!

Need help?

- No.

Cookies.

- Perfect.

Oopsie!

- Tess!

What is it?

- I saw it, I saw it.

- Saw what?

- The date.

The date was on the receipt.

The time, I saw the time.

- I know.

- You do?

- - Yes.

- We communicate...

- Without talking.

- I miss not knowing that it's

march 21st.

- Hey...

Gone.

Here.

Replaced.

- What're we doing here?

- Making a statement.

- What's that?

- That life can be giggles and

crunch.

Giggles and crunch?

- Squiggles and scrunch!

- Squiggles and scrunch!

- Squiggles and scrunch!

- Where's that water coming

from?

- It's slow leak from the

ceiling.

Looks like they tried to

stuff paper in it to plug it.

It's just mush now.

- Do you ever wonder if they're

happy?

I mean now that they're not

secretly sneaking around

behind everyone's backs,

where's the excitement?

I mean, would it be gone?

Because they have now

had to make the switch

from being irresponsible

to being responsible,

and I don't think that Charles

could be

that kind of a husband

to someone, you know?

He's always gonna wanna

be distracted by other

things, and not really giving

his whole...

- You know, I don't want to

hear about Charles anymore.

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