Candy Jar

---

1

Look at him.

Look at that smug look on his smug face.

He thinks the presidency

is his birthright,

like he's the heir to the throne.

I don't care who your mother is.

You just want to ruin my chances

of getting into Harvard, don't you?

Like when you brought in the governor

to upstage

my kindergarten graduation speech.

But I'm not gonna let you get in my way,

not this time.

God, do I detest you.

I loathe you, Bennett Russell.

I despise you, Bennett Russell.

- I abhor you...

- Isn't that right, Lona?

I'm sorry?

Isn't your president

usually decided by a vote?

Yes, but since we have an even number

of members, we cannot have a vote.

- Well, how many members do you have?

- Two.

- Uh, she and I.

- Her and I.

- Her and myself.

- Him and me, myself and I. We, two!

- I got it.

- He gets it.

Therefore,

seniority should take precedent.

- I'm a month older than she is.

- No, seniority, not age.

I've participated and placed

in more total events than he has,

including the state tournament.

I've also raised more money

than she has for our program,

and for our school

and for that lovely building...

You don't get to buy your way

to the top with your mother's Rolodex.

Isn't this ultimately

Mr. Johnson's responsibility?

Absolutely.

But he said that if he made the decision,

it would cause tension in our club.

- Principal Nelson, this is our...

- Co-presidents!

Co what?

Co-presidents!

Therefore, unlike years past,

the two of you will finally learn

how to work together.

No! Co-presidents goes against the purpose

of even having a president.

Fine. No president.

No president?

No president, co-president,

I don't give a damn.

A year from now,

I'm gonna be in the south of France,

sipping something strong,

sweet and expensive, capiche?

No capiche.

Lona, I don't have the energy,

I don't have the time.

Frankly, I've already forgotten

what club you're here...

- Debate!

- Debate!

Go. Out. Scram.

Shoo!

Go talk to Kathy.

Principal Nelson knows

how much we hate each other.

- What is he trying to accomplish?

- Maybe it'll teach you a lesson.

What lesson?

I don't know. Just sounded like

the kind of thing I should say.

Kathy, this is a vehement hatred.

There's nothing that we agree on.

- You both don't like the arrangement.

- Besides that.

- And you both hate each other...

- You're not helping.

You are now one of the presidents.

Put that in your little Harvard

application and move on.

- To what?

- To whatever your heart desires.

Kathy, my heart is a muscular organ

that pumps blood through my body,

and, although romanticized,

has no bearing on my love life

- or my moral decision-making.

- All right.

Let me rephrase.

You ask anybody to Homecoming yet?

No.

I'm not a social person.

So what? You think I waited around

for some guy to ask me out?

No, sir.

I got things done on my own terms.

And look at me, I did great.

Sorry.

My greatest skill is arguing with people.

That's not date material.

If you show up at that dance

wearing a tux,

you're gonna be approached by more ladies

than that guy on that sexist TV show,

I can never remember the name.

What's it called,

the one with the bachelor?

- The Bachelor.

- That's the one.

I mean, but why have a relationship

in high school?

You wind up at different colleges,

and then it was all a waste of time.

Why do you guys take Calculus

when you're not gonna become engineers?

Because Calculus teaches you to...

Whatever it teaches you,

it doesn't matter.

It gives you tools, right?

So your argument

is that I'll become a better kisser?

No! My argument...

Well, yes. Wait, yes!

I was gonna talk about lasting

relationships, but kissing is better.

Forget Yale.

Focus on becoming a better kisser.

- Are you writing this down?

- You want me to write it?

The world needs good men

who know how to kiss.

I'm dead serious.

Are you writing this down?

- No!

- Well, you should,

because Research Connection

is the gold standard!

You can't even do

a date-specific search on that site,

- and it's a hundred dollars more...

- It's $50 more.

Yeah, easy for you to say

when you wipe your ass with $50 bills.

But for those of us who don't have

the opportunity to have that luxury...

Stop!

Not my tempo.

"Not my tempo."

Come on, from Whiplash.

Really? Nobody saw it? JK Simmons.

He won an Academy Award.

Mr. Johnson, as I was saying...

The extra 50 bucks

is within our budget, Lona.

And furthermore,

there's no reason you should ever mention

your fellow student's estimated wealth

and whether they can or cannot afford

to wipe their butts

with any type of currency.

Mr. Johnson, it's a terrible site.

We only get to buy a subscription

to one research database per year,

and it should be East Law.

It's ranked number one.

- By you and your mom?

- By U.S. News Report.

And besides,

we have to conserve our funds,

so that Taylor and Tucker

have the resources they need to learn.

Who?

Taylor and Tanner

joined our club this afternoon.

And they deserve to have an opinion.

Democracy is democracy.

It doesn't matter if they're uneducated.

- New. She means new.

- Same difference.

She means new.

We don't even know

what a research database is.

You both are going to do great.

Now, first of all,

this team needed some new faces,

and apparently a new attitude.

Second of all,

if we're gonna get anywhere this year,

you two have gotta agree

on something, anything,

or I swear

I'm gonna make the twins co-presidents.

Bennett said he raised money?

Am I to assume he went door to door?

'Cause his mother's an ATM with lipstick

who releases 50s every time she farts.

She's a very popular senator.

Please.

Julia's a state senator.

And to me, she's still the teenage robot

who lived in the library.

Hey! I live in the library.

- Yeah, you're different.

- Different how?

You're just different.

Listen, tomorrow you're gonna win

another trophy

and the Harvard application

isn't due for another week...

Four days.

Sh*t! Four days?

Okay, well, did you write it in?

Yes. Lona Skinner, co-president...

...of the Hemlock Prep Academy

Debate Club.

You should be proud of that.

What?

You earned it, and you are qualified,

and you are my son.

One second, baby.

Julia Russell.

Listen, I was in D.C. last week.

I'm going to D.C. next week,

so you tell those wrinkled old bags

that I am not coming to D.C. this week,

and if they lose their sh*t

I will buy each of them a diaper.

As a first-generation college student,

I know the importance of higher education,

which is why I started this foundation

that hands out scholarships.

I'm hanging up on you now.

Sorry, baby.

No, it's just that

being co-presidents is ridiculous,

- because Lona is impossible to work with.

- Oh!

Forget about her and her mother.

You just need to focus

on that good-looking dude in the mirror

that's getting into Yale. Am I right?

Right? Next month,

you'll qualify for the state tournament

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes