Candy Jar Page #4

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that proves on Planet Earth,

throughout history, time and time again,

water has always been proven wet.

- And I would cite my references.

- Because those are facts.

And it's way more convincing

than if my evidence was water is wet

because I touched it once.

Because you can't touch the evidence.

- No. Because it's anecdotal.

- It's what?

It's what Jasmine was doing

and what she does every debate.

She talks about her personal experiences,

anecdotes.

And she can do that?

Sure, she can do it but it's risky.

Her slow pace keeps her from being able

to make as many points.

Therefore, in order for her

to win a competition...

Which she never has.

...Jasmine would have to show

that her own personal experiences

are, for some reason,

more important than facts.

Always stick to the facts.

Jasmine's fighting a losing battle.

Maybe she doesn't care if she wins.

In just a moment, I'll be announcing

the names of our four finalists

who will go on to compete

for our state tournament this year.

But first,

we have a special guest speaker.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a few words from a debate mom

and our state senator, Julia Russell.

Thank you.

I know you've been debating the pros

and cons of higher education all day,

and so I will be brief,

since I don't want to steal the spotlight

from the kids.

Yet she's literally stealing

the spotlight from the kids.

The Yale Alumni Association helped me

get my first job practicing law.

And so I started this foundation

so that I might be able to help others

with their start.

And today, our donors

include Oprah Winfrey...

...Bono, Mark Zuckerberg.

And everyone who gets involved

always says the same thing.

Stop dropping so many names?

They say that their success

started with a work ethic

that began when they were your age.

The costs of listening to this woman

outweigh the benefits.

- As you become more involved...

- Mom, stop it.

Sorry, it seems like there is

a distraction somewhere in the audience,

which probably means

I'm taking up too much time.

My apologies, Senator.

I should've raised my hand.

My God.

I was just curious if you could give us

your definition of success.

That's a great question.

But, unfortunately, this is not a Q and A.

It's just the people you just listed

are all multi-billionaires.

So are you saying that type of wealth

is the best way to measure success?

Full disclosure, everyone,

Amy Skinner and I

are old high school friends,

and so we like to jest with one another

from time to time.

Isn't that right, Amy?

I'm just asking about success.

Oh! And I have a great idea.

Why don't you come up here

and share with everyone

your success story?

I'm sure that these students

would love to hear all about it.

I mean, forgive me, I'm not entirely clear

on all the details myself, so...

No, thanks. I wouldn't want to steal

the spotlight from the kids.

They were the reason we didn't qualify.

After Amy and Julia went at it,

the judges stopped the awards ceremony

and took five minutes to talk

before they announced the qualifiers.

It's not fair.

Have you ever considered the possibility

that sometimes you lose?

The same thing happened

in middle school. Twice.

Or sometimes you lose.

Not often.

Mr. Johnson said you have another shot

next month.

That's just for teams.

- And?

- And I don't have a partner.

Go with Lona.

You're high on chocolate right now.

When I come to work high,

you'll know it.

Ask Debbie in Accounting.

We'd kill each other.

No. There is no possible way

that I'm gonna debate alongside the guy

who in the seventh grade

ripped pages out of my biology textbook

so I couldn't do my homework.

It's a fact that he is a dick to everyone

every day all the time.

That's a line we don't cross.

The dick line.

Don't cross the dick line.

We both should've qualified

as individuals. It's not fair.

- Or sometimes you lose.

- You know what I mean.

You should've seen

how dumb some of those kids were.

I'm sure they're talented.

Talented in their own way.

One of them didn't know

the capital of New Mexico.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

- Albuquerque.

- Santa Fe.

I know.

Listen, you're the two best debaters

in the county.

Together, you could qualify for State

and that's another thing

you can send off to Harvard, right?

- You're wasting your time. We lost.

- Can you let me finish?

- The deadline passed.

- But we have the twins' slot.

- What happened to the twins?

- They dropped out.

- Of the tournament?

- Of the club.

Lona, stop.

I need this for Yale.

And you want to get into Harvard.

We already turned in our applications.

Come on, we both know

that the admissions office

will take into consideration

any honors we receive

while they're making their decisions.

- We wouldn't qualify.

- Yes, we would.

- No, you have extremely bad habits.

- You disrespect your opponents.

- You disrespect the judges.

- You have bad breath.

- You have... Stupid face!

- A stupid face.

I think you meant to say

you have a stupid face.

No, actually,

I meant to say that you're a dick.

Do you... Do you think I want this?

- I certainly don't.

- Neither do I.

Out of everyone in this school,

you're literally the last person

I want to work with.

- The very, very last.

- Thank you.

You're egocentric,

you speed through crossfire

and you refuse to flow rounds.

I flow every single one of my rounds.

And for your information,

when you speed through crossfire,

you get through more questions

and you make the other team nervous.

No, I think you're right,

we wouldn't qualify.

- You're just not good enough.

- Oh, please.

I could carry us both through qualifiers

and state championship.

- You think we'd win?

- Yeah, if you got out of my way.

- Prove it.

- I will.

So it's agreed. You'll prove me wrong,

we'll play as a team, qualify next month,

and win the state tournament.

We'll start studying after school

at my place.

I'll give the opening statement.

No, I'm gonna give the opening statement.

Bennett, the round is one

of the first five minutes.

You make too many arguments

and don't impact any of them.

So we lose the round because of that.

In addition to that...

If you did your work

for the amount of time

- you spend arguing with me...

- I'm already done.

I'm already done.

I already finished page two.

- Well, start page three.

- There is no page three.

No. No.

- No, no.

- Stop.

Excuse me.

- What?

- No.

Ask any teacher, they will tell you

that when you write something physically,

it sticks to your brain better

than when you do it on your computer.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- Condescending tone?

- Which the judges do not appreciate.

And besides,

it sets the tone for the entire round.

My judges appreciate my tone.

I have a very welcoming tone.

Okay, enough, Picasso.

I'll make these last changes

- and email them to you.

- Or I can do it.

- No, I can do it.

- I can easily do it.

Yeah, you can easily do

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