Captain Newman, M.D. Page #2

But he ain't moving

an inch out of this

beautiful bed, Doc,

because he's got it

made. Made.

You can say

that again, sailor.

But you're gonna

have to develop

some symptoms.

Now, how can l

keep you in here

unless you show me

some symptoms?

Well, symptoms...

You describe them,

I'll develop them.

I got talent, Doc. Look.

Oh, gee. Oh, Doc.

Right here in the gut,

they got me.

Oh, I'm dying.

Blodgie. Blodgie,

give me a kiss

before I kick off.

Now, that alone proves

I'm off my rocker. Right?

Wouldn't fool an intern

in Ward 2. You know

how dumb they are.

They got me

in the back, Doc.

I'm burning up.

Oh, Doc. I'm dying.

No, don't touch that.

Drop dead, buster!

No jerk is getting

this hat off my head!

I'm getting

out of here, see.

I'm busting out

of here and heading

for the Navy to be

with my brother Frank.

Frank is my brother!

Who's helping him, huh?

Who's looking after him?

Now take it easy, sailor.

In a pig's eye.

I didn't ask to be

in this cheesy Air Corps.

I should be out

looking after Frank.

Doc, I'll...

I'll do anything, honest.

I'll do anything in the Navy.

I'll swab the decks,

I'll take top deck ack-ack,

I'll stay down in the sub.

You got to fix it.

You, please,

got to get me out of here.

Please.

We need a little more time.

Why don't you tell

the lieutenant here

that you didn't really

want him to drop dead?

Hmm?

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

I... I take it all back.

I don't want you

to drop dead.

See, I'm apologizing, Doc.

Attaboy.

Would it help any

if he could see

his brother?

It might, except he

doesn't have a brother.

Well, Bobby.

So what's the good

word today?

That's right.

Try.

Come on, Bobby.

Let Captain Newman hear

how nicely you can say it.

You said "hello"

for me this morning.

Remember?

He did, Doc.

I heard him say "hello"

plain as anything.

It'll come, Bobby.

Morning, Captain.

How you feeling?

I got a few pains.

You know, right here.

Captain, you're

not eating right.

How'd you sleep?

All right.

Any bad dreams, Captain?

The usual.

Dry. That's good.

No sweat.

That's the first thing

to look for, right?

You're handling your

tensions better, boy.

Nurse, give this patient

and a high colonic.

He's a good boy.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Just a little wacky.

Thinks he's a captain.

Thinks he's a psychiatrist.

Well, it's all that stuff

you've got me on, Carrozzo.

It gives me

delusions of grandeur.

(MlMlCKlNG MACHlNE GUN FlRlNG)

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

(ALL SHOUTlNG)

It's all right.

It's all right.

Come on. Attaboy.

BLODGETT:
Come on,

back to your beds.

Get that little yellow-belly

out of here. He makes me sick.

That "little yellow-belly,"

as you call him,

racked up 26 missions.

Now, what the devil

have you done,

except beat up on

some kid half your size?

It's tough enough

around here without...

Baloney!

All you do is beef,

bulldoze and feel sorry

for yourself.

Now when are you

gonna wise up?

The next time this

character pulls

something like that,

you bring him

to my office.

Can't a guy have

any fun around here?

Not that kind.

Now look,

I'm stuck with you

and you're stuck with me.

One of us

has got to change,

and it's going

to be you.

Okay, Doc.

Thanks, Gavoni.

Hey, Doc.

I got that orderly.

We've been playing gin

and he's beating

my brains out.

Well, never mind about that.

I'll pick up the tab.

Just send him in.

Fine.

I'd better get

squared away.

Thanks for the tour.

Roger.

Yeah. By all means.

Roger.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Come in.

Good morning.

Well, what's your name?

Leibowitz.

First name?

Jackson.

Sit down.

How old are you?

Twenty-seven.

I believe that it's

customary for a soldier

to address an officer

as "sir."

Sir.

Well, what's customary

for a soldier is tough

for a civilian.

But you're not

a civilian.

I feel like a civilian.

Congratulations.

I assume that

you've worked in

a hospital before.

Yes.

Sir.

Go on, Corporal.

Go on where?

Tell me about

your experience.

What's to tell?

Let's see.

The camp I just came from...

I don't want to

knock the government,

you understand,

but the animals

in the Bronx Zoo

had it better.

They had me working in

the wards day and night

for 10 months steady.

I didn't like it.

You mustn't hide

your feelings.

That's what I figured.

Well, what kinds of wards

did you work in?

All kinds.

Give me a hint.

General, surgery,

infectial diseases,

that's where

I caught everything.

OB. That was for

the officers' wives.

The rate they're

getting pregnant,

they're not gonna need

a draft in 20 years.

Have you ever worked

in an N.P. ward?

A mental ward?

Psychiatric cases.

Nuts?

They are not nuts.

Gee, Doc,

you're not gonna put me

in a nut house.

It is not a nut house.

I'll drop dead.

Inside of one hour

I'll drop dead.

Sit down.

You better ask me

to lay down.

Already I'm a patient.

Now, listen.

Doctor.

(LAUGHS)

I don't know where

you guys get all these

cockeyed ideas.

The boys in my ward

are just depressed.

So am l.

Miserable.

They're miserable?

Look at me.

Sit down.

Doc!

Leibowitz, this is

a perfectly safe ward.

There is no danger involved.

Patients in my ward

are not allowed to have

matches or razors

or sharp objects

of any kind.

But teeth they got.

We've been here for

some time and we haven't

lost an orderly yet.

Don't spoil your record,

Captain.

I'll take my chances.

Now, do you have

any questions?

You don't have to

raise your hand.

I'm as surprised

as you that I still

have the strength.

Ask the question.

Captain, I appreciate you

trying to boost my morale,

but let us face facts.

It goes against my grain.

You are putting me

in a booby hatch.

Leibowitz, what the devil

is the matter with you?

You look like

an intelligent...

Don't be fooled

by my looks.

But you'll get

the best food

on the post...

Who's got an appetite?

You have my

deepest sympathy.

From a plumber

I expect sympathy.

From a psychiatrist

I expect understanding.

Corporal Leibowitz

has just volunteered

to work with us.

But Captain...

Would you like

Sergeant Kopp

to show you around now?

No.

No, what?

No, sir.

Good. Start with

the ward, Arkie.

But, Captain, I've...

Let's go, Leibowitz.

Glad to have you

with us.

(SHEEP BLEATlNG)

You think so, huh?

People always make

that mistake until

they get to know me.

Hey. Already

I'm hearing things.

What's that...

You're not hearing

anything yet.

We keep sheep

in the back yard

for tests for the lab.

How about a nice game

of gin tonight?

Who plans that far ahead?

LElBOWlTZ:
I'm living

from minute to minute.

He'll make

a good orderly,

Blodgie.

He understands suffering.

You're leveling, Doc.

I'm all right now?

You're as normal

as fleas on a dog.

All that's left is

for you to realize it.

You better get

around to it.

I've got you marked

fit for duty.

You're going back

to your outfit.

I am? When?

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