Captain Newman, M.D. Page #3

I think I can steal you

a 10-day pass.

Ten days at home

with your family

and after that...

So, start packing.

I need your bed.

You've got it, sir.

And I got a 4:
10 bus

to catch.

LElBOWlTZ:
(SlNGlNG)

Old MacDonald had a farm,

E-I-E-I-O

And on that farm

he had some chicks

Your new orderly is

standing on a chair,

conducting

the Colfax Glee Club.

Next, he'll be

passing out lollipops.

MEN:
(SlNGlNG)

Here a chick, there a chick

Everywhere a chick, chick

LElBOWlTZ:
Come on, you guys.

Louder. Everybody.

Come on, you crazy bums.

Don't you want to get well?

Sing!

Old MacDonald had a farm,

E-I-E-I-O

Well, yes, we set up

a medical hearing

for Tuesday,

but Colonel Bliss

begged off.

And after all his yelling

to get out of here.

Did he say why?

No.

I offered to set up

another hearing

at his convenience.

He was to let me know,

and that was three days ago.

How is that for a puzzler?

It worries me.

Whatever was behind

that Officers' Club thing,

Colonel Bliss doesn't

think it was trivial.

(EXCLAlMS) Sorry, sir.

Oh, Colonel?

Yes.

I finally solved

the mystery of

the missing orderly.

Corporal Leibowitz

didn't vanish into

thin air.

He was somehow

maneuvered into

Ward 7

and he's been

working there

ever since.

Isn't that so,

Captain Newman?

Well, is it?

Well, l

couldn't call

an attractive girl

like that a liar.

Joe, you can't just

hijack a soldier

and put him in your ward

without telling anyone.

As far as the Army

is concerned,

Leibowitz has been AWOL

for two weeks.

You're absolutely

right, Colonel.

Excuse me for

just a moment.

BARNEY:
Joe!

Well, I'll be shoving off.

Thanks for everything.

Pleasure having you, Barney.

Say hello to

the Pentagon.

(CHUCKLlNG)

We don't speak.

Well, so long.

So long.

Lieutenant Corum,

I'm truly very sorry.

I'll check my staff,

I'll find out who's

responsible for this.

Try sodium pentothal.

It's wonderful stuff

for getting at the truth.

If that is what

we're after, Captain.

Well, Leibowitz probably

just happened to drift in.

Guess we'll have to put

the whole thing down to

a foul-up in paperwork.

All right.

The truth is,

we needed him.

You needed him?

My ward and all the others

are shorthanded, too.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We'll make a deal.

The very next orderly

that checks in...

You'll let us have him.

Now what could be

fairer than that?

The next two.

A deal?

A deal.

I'm due back.

Oh, Corum, I wouldn't stew

about that Leibowitz thing.

You'll get the next

orderly that comes in,

if I have to deliver

him to you personally.

A pair of them are

due in the morning.

Mmm-mmm.

They're arriving at

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Call on me anytime.

Did you get

Haskell's lab report?

I sent Arkie for it.

You know,

this stuff is A, B, C.

I don't know why they make

such a big thing about it.

Leibowitz, since when does

a corporal send a sergeant

on an errand?

Don't answer that.

Since Leibowitz

came to Ward 7.

What do you mean,

A, B, C?

You went to

medical school for this?

Well, it helped

fill in some time.

I was small for my age.

You see, Captain,

it's simple,

if you're good with people.

You see, I was always

good with people.

Even in the fifth grade

the kids used to open up

to me.

"Jake, what should I do?

"l feel lousy,

I feel great, I feel funny,

I'm all mixed-up.

"Jake, what's

happening to me?"

You see, in my group,

I was the unofficial couch.

Captain, I could

write one of these.

Will you autograph me

a copy of the book when

you get around to it?

Sarcasm is for children.

From a psychiatrist

I expect honestness.

"Honesty," Jake,

not "honestness."

So flunk me in English.

Get Lieutenant Corum

in Ward 4 on the phone.

You want me to phone?

Yes, if you're not

required in surgery.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

I hope you're thirsty.

Mmm-hmm.

Ordered it in advance.

Here, I'll do that.

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Since when does

the Blue Grotto serve

imported champagne?

Since Leibowitz

came to Ward 7.

I don't know

where he got it,

and I've learned not

to ask any questions.

You want this now?

Oh, my goodness.

How beautiful!

There we are.

Thank you.

It's a little silly,

I suppose.

I read somewhere

that a girl never

forgot those flowers

once she'd been

to the lslands.

It's true.

How did you know

I was stationed

in Honolulu?

Well, I heard it

somewhere.

The Officers' Club,

I suppose.

I thought maybe you

pulled my 201 file.

That would be

an invasion of privacy.

It's a compliment,

in a way.

Anyway, it would have

said that I'm single,

my blood type is B.

NEWMAN:
B.

And that I wear a size...

A size 10 dress.

Your blood type is A,

and you were

in the glee club

at Farragut High School,

you have an appendix scar

right about here,

maybe a little farther over,

and you did your

residency at Tulane.

You read my 201?

Mmm-hmm.

All of it?

Don't be silly.

You should know

no girl ever reads

past the space marked

"married" or "single."

Well, if we're both

peeping Toms, let's have

a drink to that.

Francie,

you're a good-looking woman.

Thank you.

It's important to have

a good-looking woman around.

Big morale factor.

It gives a man incentive.

Now, you take a man

cowering under a bed.

I beg your pardon?

Cowering under a bed.

You've seen Blodgett.

Who'd come out for her?

But one look

at your legs

and they'd come

shooting right up

through the mattress.

Any man in that ward.

I think I understand,

but I'm not sure.

And you're

thoroughly qualified.

Two years of

premed at Barnard,

a full course

at Saint Vincent's.

Year and a half at

Massachusetts General,

plus your service duties.

Is that the reason

you pulled my 201?

You're perfect for it.

For Ward 7.

You'd like me

to transfer?

And that's the reason

for the flowers

and the champagne.

Come on, let's dance.

No. Let's fight.

It's not gonna do

anybody any good if

you're gonna be cross...

Just what makes you

think I'd join that

big funny farm of yours?

You're all off in

a world of your own.

Joining your crowd is

like taking the veil.

Not for me, friend.

I don't regard that

as a "no" answer.

That is a reaction,

not a judgment.

Don't give me

any of your...

And as far as your

legs are concerned,

I have never seen

a better example...

Are you Captain Newman?

Yes.

There's a telephone call.

You can take it

right over here

at the bar.

Excuse me, fellows.

Newman here.

Boy, we got trouble.

Some colonel's gone berserk.

Who?

Bliss.

He got into the ward

with some cockamamie story,

then he turned the place

upside down looking for you.

He's got a knife

six inches long,

believe me.

What are you doing

on the phone?

Get him out of that ward.

We did. We got him

in the shower room.

Arkie and Gavoni are

holding the door shut.

Meanwhile, he's on

the other side

trying to bust out.

There are three of

you and one of him.

Get that knife

away from him.

Doc, that could

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