Captain Ron

---

Black coffee with sugar, please.

That glass out front? A window

popped out of the 12th floor.

We could have been under it.

Not the idiot that installed it...

You're walking down the street.

Bam! You're shredded beef.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

We all have things we want to do.

But a window falls on you, some truck

flattens you, you catch a disease...

Not contagious.

Carla, you know Martin Harvey,

new products?

Marty wants to write a novel. About

adventures in product development?

- I said some day...

- Exactly! "Some day. "

Martin Harvey? Sign on the line.

Some day I'll retire, some day

we'll have more time for our kids.

Some day Marty will write.

What if some day never comes?

My floor. Coming through.

Come on, step lively...

Going down!

Junk! How much junk

can one person carry?

(PHONE RINGS)

Ben's little red wagon...

I'm coming!

Caroline, I asked you to do...

Yes?! Oh, hi, Mrs Holtzman,

how are you?

It's not gonna happen at that price.

I have a couple of pieces

of really big news!

Well, let's see. You have 532...

.. square feet. No way you're

gonna come in under $1,600.

Right.

I do, too. I've just

got one word to say to you.

Congoleum!

I've been hurt!

No, clearly we both prefer tile.

There's just no way...

(MARTIN SINGS)

Can I call you right back,

Mrs Holtzman?

Great! And don't sign anything

until you talk to me.

Great... All right... Fine...

OK... Soon. Bye.

(MARTIN SINGS MERRILY)

Martin?

What is he doing home so early?

- I'm home!

- (KATHERINE) Martin?

- Mom?

- (KATHERINE) Martin?

- Mom!

- (KATHERINE) Martin!

- Mom?

- What are you doing up there?

Remember my Uncle William? Sailed

off in 1962 and never came back?

Oh, no, don't tell me. He's back?

Is he coming for a visit? I can't.

This has been a terrible week.

He's not coming to visit. He's dead.

There I am, the last time I saw him.

And he left us that.

- An old steering wheel?

- No. Everything it's attached to.

- You inherited an old boat?

- (BEN) We're getting a boat? Cool!

- What did I say about eavesdropping?

- OK. Are we getting a boat?

- We have to talk about it.

- We're getting a boat!

It's not just an old boat.

It's from the Clark Gable estate.

I phoned three boat brokers.

She's worth over $250,000!

Get out of here!

Honey, we can really use that money!

We could pay off the second

on the house and the credit card!

How quick can we sell it?

There's one little catch. It's

on the island San Pomme de Terre.

- Sounds romantic, huh?

- It means potato.

- It has to be brought to Miami.

- It means "Saint Potato".

That's not the point. The point is

we can sail it ourselves.

- We don't know how to sail.

- We'll use the engine and learn.

We don't know how to drive a boat.

The Caribbean is full of captains.

We'll hire one to take it to Miami

and teach us how to sail

at the same time.

(KATHERINE) Mm-mm.

- What do you mean?

- What could I mean?

No. We can't do this right now.

We can't do it!

We'll get a boat mover.

And they will bring it here.

It's about a spontaneous moment

that we just grab at.

We'll be spontaneous

when we have time.

Can I speak to Jason, please?

It's Ben Harvey.

- And there's taxes!

- It's a lifetime experience.

We're getting a boat!

- (KATHERINE SCREAMS)

- I'll call you back.

Who put food on the kitchen table?

Did you do this?

Do what, Mom?

All my modifications are washed off.

A week's worth of work, gone.

Listen to you! Floors and windows

are the biggest thing in your life.

We don't give our kids

enough attention. Don't interrupt us.

What about your job? My clients?

We have children that are in school!

We'll take them out. Are they getting

a good education? Two plus three?

- We can broaden their horizons.

- Five!

- Don't you try to guilt trip me.

- I'm not trying anything.

- Yes! You always do this!

- Our kids know nothing about life.

(ROCK MUSIC

ON CAR STEREO )

Give me a sec to tell them, OK?

This is so cool!

- What would make you consider it?

- There is nothing to say.

I will not drop everything and go

to a place no one's ever heard of.

Mom, Dad, guess what?

I got engaged.

Yo. Mom. Dad.

What?

(REGGAE MUSIC:

BOB MARLEY'S "STIR IT UP")

These are some of your uncle's

things, removed for safekeeping.

We buried him in a place

overlooking the water.

That was very nice of you.

We had to. We have

no refrigeration facilities...

We understand.

Kate, take a look.

Is that it? It's like something

out of "Adventures in Paradise".

Are you kidding?

That was taken a few years ago.

Isn't she a classic?

It's way better than you'd think.

It just needs a little work.

(MARTIN) Come on, Katherine.

I'll be right back.

Come on.

This sucks.

- Katherine!

- I'm coming!

Clearly the wrong shoe selection.

What do you think?

Just look at this.

You gotta see this.

- MY fault? You got engaged.

- You went ballistic over the boat.

- A ski boat!

- Don't push me.

- Mom, Ben fell in the water!

- Honey, we're coming.

- You pushed me!

- He pushed me first.

(ALL YELLING)

Stop it! Don't swallow the water.

You'll get diphtheria.

- Daddy's coming.

- Here, Ben!

(PHONE RINGS)

Donaldson Yacht Brokers.

All right. Hold on.

It's Mr Harvey. It's a bad connection.

Yes... Mr Harvey. How are you?

We've just received the specs

on the boat from the estate.

It hasn't been surveyed since 1967.

Have you seen it yet?

Yes, I'm actually looking at it now.

Well, I'm just wondering...

Could you hold on a second?

Excuse me, I'm gonna be a while.

I can signal you when I'm through.

I was wondering what it'd be worth

in less than perfect condition?

I see...

I'll tell you what. Get it up here

and we'll take a look-see.

Not at all. Bye-bye, now.

Patti? We were gonna send

Chuck Petrie to skipper the boat?

- Don't. Just find somebody local.

- From San Pomme de Terre?

Yeah.

( CALYPSO MUSIC)

( CAR BACKFIRES)

This here the Harvey boat?

Who wants to know?

Captain Ron.

- Hey! Are you the captain?

- Ron Rico.

- Call me Captain Ron.

- Hi, Martin Harvey.

- Meet my wife and kids.

- Hi, Mrs Harvey.

Old dog!

She must keep your clock wound.

- No, that's my daughter Caroline.

- My mistake.

Maybe you should

put on some more clothes.

- This is my wife, Katherine.

- What's happening, Kitty?

- Nice to meet you.

- My son Ben.

- Hey, swab.

- What happened to your eye?

- Sweetie, that's rude.

- That's all right. Shark attack.

- A shark ate your eye?

- When I went down off Australia.

- Your boat sank?

- No, it was my boss's boat.

We hit a reef. Huge son-of-a-b*tch.

Ran the whole coast.

- Great Barrier Reef?

- You heard of it? Smart lady.

Well, let's see what kinda

trouble this tub's in.

Yeah, just go... The engine is...

- Honey.

- Yeah?

- Honey, did we get a resum on him?

- I'm sure he's fine.

He's already gone to work.

There is no problem. I'll just

go down and show him a few things.

We should tell him

that we don't know much about boats.

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