Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie Page #4

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for a good old talking-to.

Right? Principal Krupp?

Principal who?

Captain Underpants,

get out here.

Sidekicks...

are you sure

my secret identity

requires these...

restricting,

uncomfortable clothes?

Yes, positive.

100% positive.

Now act like a principal.

Oh, right.

How does a principal act?

Mean!

Okey-doke.

I'm a principal!

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Come on. We're almost there.

Oh, hello. Surprise.

It's Edith.

Did you like my tuna casserole?

I cannot lie.

I don't recall

having your tuna casserole.

What? Oh.

But if your casserole is

as striking

as your one blue eye...

Oh, I didn't think you noticed.

Oh, my.

Two blue eyes.

Ooh!

Principal Krupp.

It's time to go.

Gotta wrap it up.

Very well then.

Up, up, and...

And this way, sir.

Ooh! Flirt alert.

A-ha!

Wow, she's still on hold.

Phew! We made it.

Well, hello, citizen.

What?

Oh, and hello to you, too.

I was just, like,

admiring the view...

from your broken window.

It's in the shape of a man.

Anyway, lam here to interview

for the science teacher

position.

Perfect. I'm disguised

as an elementary

school principal.

Guys, I totally got this.

Don't worry one bit.

Now, where did I put

that resume?

No, not that. Oh, this thing.

This one's fun.

Ooh!

Heads up.

That one's gonna leave a mark.

I've been looking for that.

Oh, not that.

Ah-ha! Here we go.

Hmm. Says here

you're a science teacher?

Not exactly.

But you have

teaching experience?

Oh, no, I can't say that I do.

Not even, like, babysitting?

I would never sit on a baby.

Camp counselor?

Never was a camp counselor.

Although

I did receive counseling...

for some trauma I experienced

as a child.

I'm getting a really good vibe

about you.

Now hold on.

Let me see that resume.

It says here that you were

a genius inventor?

Mad...

genius inventor.

But yes.

And then for

the last few years...

you've "been in

a very dark place"...

and your title was...

"Revenge Seeker?"

"Revenge at all costs...

"Die! Die!"

Am I reading this right?

Yeah, that's basically

what I've been up to...

so here I am!

Applying for a job in

the thriving

public school system...

with all of

its amazing resources.

But honestly,

kids are so understanding.

So innocent.

Their smiles brighten my heart

and fill me with...

a joy-adjacent feeling.

As long

as they are controlled...

and do not laugh

nor smile nor play nor laugh.

Children must never laugh!

Well, you seem terrific!

You're hired!

What?

Excellent.

Oh, by the way,

going to need Fridays off...

and every other Tuesday

through Thursday...

for my evil experiments.

Hope that's not a problem.

Okay, bye-bye!

Oh, this is bad.

We just hired a maniac

for a science teacher!

Uh, yeah. We gotta fix this

before Krupp finds out.

Sounds like a job

for Captain Underpants.

No, no, no.

You need to stay here.

Okay, you're

the principal, remember?

Yeah, just sit there

and look angry for no reason.

You got it. Grr...

Ooh!

That will be interesting

to put my eye up to.

What?

How did I get here?

Why is my face wet?

Hiya, class.

I'm your cool, new teacher.

Not some scary guy

with a secret evil agenda.

Anyway, I'm just going to dive

right in here.

If there was one thing

about this world

that you could change...

what would it be?

Ooh! Ooh! Peace on Earth.

Unattainable. Anyone else?

Pacific Ocean into chocolate.

Atlantic into nacho cheese.

Ifs like we're the same person

and yet so, so different.

I love it.

But more importantly...

if I had to change one thing

about the world...

it would be to get rid of...

laughter.

Get rid of laughter?

What kind of person

wants to do that?

Oh, Oh! Ah! Ah! Sir, sir.

Yes'?

I love it.

Oh, look at this.

We got a grade A suck-up.

Good to know, good to know.

Anyway.

This is the brain

of an average child.

Right here is

the "thinking about candy"

lopalus.

The "fear of

what's under the bed" lobe.

This is the "only thing

I'll eat is pizza...

"chicken nuggets,

or buttered noodles" lobe.

Right here is the

"as soon as

someone else has a toy...

"I want that toy" anterior lobe.

And this...

This is the

Hahaguffawchuckleamalus.

This funny little purple part

holds our entire capacity

for laughter.

For years,

I've tried to shrink it

or cut it out entirely...

but frustratingly,

our survival seems

dependent upon it.

I don't like this. I mean,

I don't really understand it.

But the stuff I am understanding

seems genuinely bad to me.

Yeah, same.

Um... Excuse me, Professor P?

Why are you trying to

get rid of laughter?

Isn't laughter

the best medicine?

Medicine is the best medicine!

So...

Yeesh.

What?

What does the P stand for?

Excuse me?

The P. In your name.

What does it stand for?

Oh, it's private.

So that means your name is

Professor Privates?

What's so funny?

I don't get it.

Principal's office, now!

You too!

Why him?

Because your friendship

and shared sense of humor

irritates me...

and must be destroyed!

We gotta do something about

that new science teacher.

Yeah, it's like he's even more

of a villain than Krupp.

I didn't even think

that was possible.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second.

Tell me about it.

What? Who do you think...

Oh, okay. Maybe we could

fix this if we just...

Can you hear me?

No, that'll never work.

I'm sitting right here.

Wait, Professor P doesn't want

anybody to know his last name.

Right?

Right!

Who's Professor P?

Exactly!

Where is the respect?

I am your principal!

Wait, is he Krupp again?

George!

Yup. Pretty sure he is.

Harold!

How'd that even happen?

Tra-la-laaa!

Greetings!

I need to get the...

Sidekicks, what do I need again?

The file

on the new science teacher.

Oh, right, right.

I need the bile

on the gooey fence creature.

Science teacher.

The dewy tense preacher?

The dial on the...

Oh, come on!

Thank you, human woman!

Sidekicks, explain to me

the importance

of this secret file.

There's a new

super villain in town

and we're trying to

discover his weakness.

Oh...

"Poopypants."

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

His name is Poopypants

We found his weakness

Hallelujah

He wants to rid the world

Of laughter

Forever

And ever

We will defeat him

Hallelujah Hallelujah

Poopypants

Captain?

You forgetting something?

Oh, look at that.

They came off again.

Hey there, kiddo.

First day for Professor P.

Can you tell me where

the lunch is consumed?

What's going on with your face?

Are you choking?

Do you need to sneeze?

I see, I see.

Got a case of

the giggles' huh? That's fun.

Well, I've got

just the remedy for that.

In the cage. Now!

Why?

Because I hate

laughter and children...

and I've got a cage

in a briefcase!

Okay, well, have a nice day.

Now what's for lunch?

Excuse me, could you explain

to me why this is funny?

You! Why is everyone laughing?

Uh, you're asking

the wrong dude.

"Captain Underpants

and the Perilous Plot of...

"Professor Poem/pants."

Oh, What's happening?

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