Career Opportunities

That wasn't

a store robbery.

That was an

assassination.

That wasn't a clerk.

That was a wise guy.

How do I know?

I spent a little time with

the FBI's organized crime unit.

You could say that

I'm intimately knowledgeable...

with the rancorous

workings of the Mob...

in the midwest section

of this country.

I know gangland slayings,

and that's exactly what this is.

I'd look into it personally,

but I got a date tonight.

Think I'll take the private jet

and fly to Spain,

pick up

the little lady,

do the subsonic tummy bump

at 30,000 feet...

then glide back into

the U.S. Of A. By dawn.

I know what you're gonna say:

"Jim Dodge, settle down.

Relax.

You owe it to yourself."

I'll tell you

what I tell everybody.

Any little frulein that

expects anything more from me...

than a little bit

of pleasure, danger...

and a great set

of pectorals,

she's looking for

a fall right on her ass.

- Hubie, Hubie!

- Let me tell you something.

If you know what's good for you,

don't you ever come back!

You're not gonna find someone

who has the relationship...

with those animals that I do.

Listen to the dogs.

They love me!

It all started

when I was 15.

That's when I invented

the artificial cow heart.

Oh, that was a big thing.

A little before your time,

but it made the newspapers.

ABC, NBC, CBS,

they picked up on it.

But it's more or less

a hobby for me, boys.

Scoot over!

Actually, today I decided...

I've gone about as far as I can go

in the animal health-care business.

The reason that I'm not

at work this afternoon...

is because I was made an offer

I cannot refuse. I sold.

Whatcha gonna do

with the cash?

Invest it overseas,

projects in Eastern Europe.

I don't know.

I've got everything.

Jim, you just bought

the animal hospital.

How come you

sold it so fast?

Tax problem.

And here's my

accountant right now.

Earl, take a bow.

Ha-ha-ha!

20 minutes for lunch.

Go buy another suit.

He works for me.

He's scouting some

real estate for me,

but the market's

real tight.

I like the new

uniform, Lorraine.

With the right

shoes and handbag,

that might be suitable

for a cocktail party.

So... question.

When in the worid are you going

to start serving sashimi?

Maybe when I find out

what it is.

You've never

heard of sashimi?

You've got

to be kidding.

It's this special

Japanese fish you eat raw.

A little

butter sauce,

and you're ready

to go to heaven.

I'd hire you in a minute if I hadn't

already fired you so many times.

Did you ever think

of leaving town?

Thousands of people

over in St. Louis...

got no idea

how full of sh*t you are.

You've been alive for

21 years, my friend.

Plenty of time

for most people...

to find a place

for themselves.

Well, I'm not like

everybody else.

- You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, that's for sure.

How about if I...

I work for you

for free?

No.

I'm afraid not, Jimmy.

Think about St. Louis.

- Hey, Josie.

- Hi.

- Fill her up?

- Fill her up.

How you doin'?

You got fired again,

didn't you? Didn't you?

Who told you that?

- Hubie Marshall called me at work.

- He called you at work?

That's it, I'm gonna...

What'd he say?

He said

he fired ya!

He said that?

And you believed him?

Damn straight I do!

With all due respect, Dad,

you're Mr. Gullible. Sometimes.

The truth of the matter is,

Dad, I resigned.

- I'll tell you something else.

- Shut up, Jimmy!

I had no idea the job was

gonna be a hire/fire situation.

Luther Betenhauser's boy

is doing better.

- What's wrong with him?

- Fell off his grandfather's silo.

- He's got brain damage.

- He does not.

Hoover Fey says his tongue's gonna

hang out his mouth the rest of his life.

And when he dies,

at the funeral they're

gonna put a mask on him.

Do I have to listen to this

while I'm eating?

Let's talk about

something else.

Josie McClellan

moved to New York.

She did not.

I saw her today.

I don't know

how you could.

I heard she got tired of

taking care of her father,

and she told him

to jump in a lake,

and left to get her M.B.A.

In high-fashion design...

at the University

of New York City.

I just saw her at the gas station

in living color.

We had a cup

of java together.

I'm gonna take Lou Selby's

word over yours any day.

Lou Selby's a drunk.

For a guy who's just

lost his umpteenth job,

you sure are handy

with the tongue sword.

- You got canned again?

- Well, he didn't get canned.

He got fired.

That's gotta be a record.

Not only are you

an obnoxious slug,

but you're a freeloading

obnoxious slug.

You should talk.

In your mid-forties,

still living at home.

I'm twenty-four,

and I pay rent.

- So do I.

- You did pay rent.

Dad, you mean you're

cutting my rent?

Hell, no!

You're not paying rent because

you don't have a job or any money.

You're out of school and you live

in this house, you pay rent.

# I wanna stay home #

# I wanna stay home

right here #

# I wanna stay home

today #

Jim! Yo, Jim!

Jim, wake up!

Hey, get up!

Get u-u-up!

# When my day begins ##

You know, getting this job,

restoring your faith and pride in me

is a number-1 priority.

Priority ought to be making

something of yourself.

That's right up there.

When I was your age, I couldn't wait

to get out of my folks' house.

I love living at home.

I don't think this is such

a great place for me to work.

Okay,

say I don't get this job,

hypothetically.

Are you gonna be upset?

You don't get this job,

you're on a bus to St. Louis.

St. Louis?

Uncle Jeff's offered you

work in his garden shop.

I don't know anything

about gardening.

You will learn!

I'm getting a feeling that

you want me out of your life.

I don't want you out of my life,

I want you out of my house.

- Wow.

- Out!

Okay, okay, okay.

- Sure I can't offer you a bear claw?

- No, thanks.

- They're good, fresh.

- No, I'm fine.

You don't want one,

and I don't need one.

- Right!

- I love the darn things, though.

I could eat those by the dozen.

By the looks of it, I have.

Right.

I'm so excited that

you're considering...

joining the Target team.

We all are.

I appreciate that.

Good. Then let's cut

right to the chase.

We're prepared

to offer you $42,500 a year...

with a full benefit package.

That's dental, medical,

profit sharing, pensin,

expense account, car allowance,

vacation, of course,

and any and all

relocating expenses.

This is our first, best,

and last offer. What do you think?

Well... um, C. D...

with all due respect,

I came in here...

with the number forty-five

in mind, and...

Hmph.

You've got me.

Forty-five it is.

- Welcome aboard.

- Thank you.

- I'd like to buy you lunch.

- No, no, no.

Your money's no good here.

Lunch is mine.

- I'm not going to argue.

- Better not. I'm bigger than you.

Hang on a second.

I told her to hold my calls.

Yeah, Peg. Uh-huh.

No, it's okay.

- He's right here with me now.

- Hi, Peg.

We just closed the deal.

Uh-huh.

It was a slam-dunk, too.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes