Carnage Page #7
NANCY:
You stuffed your face!
NANCY rises. ALAN steps back to let her clean her face at
the sink.
ALAN:
Look at my day! I have to get some
food in me some time!
43.
After gargling, NANCY sits back down on the edge of the tub.
ALAN puts his shirt back on.
NANCY:
Oh God. What the hell are we doing
here?
ALAN:
(beat, in utterdisbelief:)
I hope you’re kidding!
NANCY:
Why do you argue with her? We’d have
been out of here a long time ago if
you didn’t bicker over every word.
ALAN:
You’d rather I was a sheep, like her
husband?
NANCY:
You think it was the cobbler?
ALAN:
Of course it was! A little warm Coke
and bang!
In the living room, MICHAEL and PENELOPE are finishing the
restoration of the books.
PENELOPE:
What a freaking nightmare!
MICHAEL:
He better watch it, he's got me right
on the edge.
PENELOPE:
She's horrible too.
MICHAEL:
Less.
PENELOPE:
She's so fake.
MICHAEL:
She doesn't bother me that much.
PENELOPE:
They're both horrible. Why do you
take their side?
She sprays the tulips.
44.
MICHAEL:
I don't take their side. What is that
supposed to mean?
PENELOPE:
You mitigate. You're trying to
reconcile everything.
MICHAEL:
I am not!
PENELOPE:
You are. You had your gang and you
were the leader, and they can do
whatever they want with their son.
Their son is a threat to homeland
security! When a kid is a menace to
society it's everybody's business. I
can't believe she barfed all over my
books!
She sprays the Kokoschka.
MICHAEL holds the Dolgans book so she can spray it, too.
PENELOPE (CONT'D)
When you know you're going to toss
your cookies, you take precautions.
MICHAEL holds up the Foujita.
PENELOPE (CONT'D)
(whimpering)
The Foujita!
She sprays everything, including herself.
PENELOPE (CONT'D)
Disgusting.
MICHAEL:
I was right on the edge with that
toilet flushing sh*t.
PENELOPE:
You were incredible.
MICHAEL:
I held my own, right?
PENELOPE:
Incredible. Jamaica, Queens was
genius.
MICHAEL:
Little piece of sh*t. What does he
call her?!
45.
PENELOPE:
Doodle.
MICHAEL:
Yeah right, Doodle!
PENELOPE:
Doodle!
They both laugh out loud as Alan appears, holding the blow
dryer.
ALAN:
Yes, I call her Doodle.
PENELOPE:
Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean
anything. It's just so easy to make
fun of other people's pet names. Like
what do we call each other, Michael?
I'm sure it's worse!
ALAN:
You wanted the blow dryer?
PENELOPE:
Thank you.
MICHAEL:
Thanks.
(taking the blow-
dryer:
)We call each other darjeeling, like
the tea. Ask me, that's a lot more
embarrassing!
MICHAEL plugs in the dryer and starts trying to dry the
books. The blow dryer’s electric cord is relatively short -
he has to bring the books over to work on them.
PENELOPE smooths the wet pages of the Kokoschka catalog.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Smooth it out, smooth it out.
As she smooths out the pages, she raises her voice to be
heard over the dryer.
PENELOPE:
How is she? Is she better? The poor
thing.
ALAN:
Better.
PENELOPE:
I reacted badly. I'm ashamed of
myself.
46.
ALAN:
No.
PENELOPE:
I rubbed it in, about the catalog. I
can't believe I did that.
MICHAEL:
Turn the page. Pull it taut. Nice
and taut.
ALAN:
It's going to tear.
PENELOPE:
He's right. Michael, that's enough,
it's dry. You get so absurdly
attached to these things, you don't
even really know why.
MICHAEL closes the catalog and the two of them pile some
heavy books on top of it.
MICHAEL dries the Foujita, the Dolgans, etc.
MICHAEL:
There! Good as new. So where does
Doodle come from? Yankee Doodle?
Cheese Doodle?
ALAN:
No, it's a song from Guys and Dollsthat goes, Doodle oodle oodle oo.
MICHAEL:
I know that! I know that!
(singing:
)I love you a bushel and a peck, you
bet your pretty neck I do. Doodle,
oodle, oodle, doodle, oodle, oodle...
Ha, ha! Ours is from our honeymoon in
India. I called her darjeeling
instead of darling. So stupid.
PENELOPE:
Should I maybe go check on her?
MICHAEL:
Go ahead, darjeeling.
PENELOPE walks to the door. She bumps into NANCY, on her way
back to the living room.
PENELOPE:
Oh Nancy! I was getting worried. All
better?
47.
NANCY:
I think so.
ALAN:
If you're not sure, stay away from
the coffee table.
NANCY:
I left the towel in the bathtub. I
didn't know where to put it.
PENELOPE:
Perfect.
NANCY:
I see you cleaned up. I'm so sorry.
MICHAEL:
Everything is just fine. All is
well.
PENELOPE:
Nancy, I'm sorry. I wasn't really
there for you. I was so focused on my
Kokoschka.
NANCY:
That's all right.
PENELOPE:
I reacted very poorly.
NANCY:
Please.
Awkward silence.
NANCY (CONT'D)
In the bathroom I was thinking.
PENELOPE:
(as nicely as shepossibly can:)
Yeah?
NANCY:
Maybe we glossed over the... Well I
mean...
MICHAEL:
What is it, Nancy? What?
NANCY:
Name-calling is a kind of abuse.
MICHAEL:
Sure.
48.
PENELOPE:
Depends.
MICHAEL:
Well, it depends.
NANCY:
Zachary has never been a violent
child. He must have had his reasons.
ALAN:
Like getting called a snitch!
His cell phone vibrates.
ALAN (CONT’D)
Excuse me.
He walks away, making apologetic gestures to NANCY.
ALAN (CONT’D)
Yes, Walter.
WALTER (O.S. - TEL)
CNN is inviting me for a panel
discussion. What do I do?
ALAN:
As long as there are no victims on
the panel. No victims. I don't want
you sitting down with victims.
WALTER (O.S. - TEL)
And I deny...
ALAN:
Deny, deny, deny. And if we have to,
we'll sue the Journal.
WALTER (O.S. - TEL)
And the press release?
ALAN:
We'll e-mail you the draft of the
press release, Walter. I got to go,
sorry.
(hangs up)
Call me a snitch, it gets a rise out
of me.
MICHAEL:
Unless it's true.
ALAN:
What?
49.
MICHAEL:
I mean if the shoe fits.
NANCY:
My son is a snitch?
MICHAEL:
Come on, I was joking around.
NANCY:
So is yours anyway.
MICHAEL:
What do you mean so is ours?
NANCY:
He snitched on Zachary.
MICHAEL:
We coaxed it out of him!
PENELOPE:
We're completely off point here.
NANCY:
Maybe you coaxed, but he did snitch
on him.
ALAN:
Nancy.
NANCY:
Nancy what?
(to MICHAEL:
)You think my son is a snitch?
MICHAEL:
I don't think anything.
NANCY:
Well if you don't think anything then
don't say anything. Don't make
insinuations.
PENELOPE:
Nancy, let's not lose our cool here.
I mean Michael and I have gone out of
our way to be conciliating and fair-
minded...
NANCY:
Not so fair-minded.
PENELOPE:
Oh really? How's that?
NANCY:
Superficially fair-minded.
50.
ALAN:
Doodle, I really have to go.
NANCY:
So go. Coward.
ALAN:
Nancy, right now I'm in danger of
losing my most important client. So
this caring parent crap and the
bickering that goes along with it...
PENELOPE:
My son lost two teeth. Two incisors.
ALAN:
Right, yeah. I think we got that.
PENELOPE:
One of them permanently.
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"Carnage" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 22 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/carnage_212>.
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