Carnage Page #9

57.

MICHAEL:

What's ridiculous? What, have you

lost your mind, too, now? Their son

beats the sh*t out of Ethan and

you're in my face over a hamster?

PENELOPE:

What you did with that hamster was

wrong, you can't deny that.

MICHAEL:

I don't give a f*** about the

hamster!

PENELOPE:

You'll have to give a f*** tonight

when your daughter gets home.

MICHAEL:

Bring her on! I'm not going to be

told how to act by a nine-year-old

snotnose brat!

ALAN:

Now I agree with him there, one

hundred percent.

PENELOPE:

That's pathetic.

MICHAEL:

Watch it, Penelope, watch it. I've

kept my shirt on up till now, but

you're pushing me over a line.

NANCY:

And Ethan?

MICHAEL:

What about Ethan?

NANCY:

Is he sad too?

MICHAEL:

Ethan's got other things on his

plate, if you ask me.

PENELOPE:

Ethan wasn't so attached to Nibbles.

MICHAEL:

What kind of p*ssy name is that

anyway?!

NANCY:

If you feel no remorse, why should

our son?

58.

MICHAEL:

You know what? All this consultation

and consideration sh*t, I'm sick to

death of it. We were nice to you. We

bought tulips. My wife dressed me up

as a liberal, but the truth is I got

no patience for this touchy-feely

bullshit and I’m a temperamental son

of a b*tch.

ALAN:

We all are.

PENELOPE:

No. No, I'm sorry. We are not all

temperamental sons of b*tches.

ALAN:

Not you, of course.

PENELOPE:

No, not me! Thank heavens!

MICHAEL:

Not you, darjee, not you. You're so

evolved. You never go off half-

cocked.

PENELOPE:

Why are you being so aggressive with

me?

MICHAEL:

I'm not being aggressive. I’m being

honest.

PENELOPE:

Yes you are aggressive, and you know

it.

MICHAEL:

You put this little bash together and

I let you recruit me...

PENELOPE:

You let me recruit you?

MICHAEL:

Yes.

PENELOPE:

That is so disgusting.

MICHAEL:

No, it's not. You're an advocate for

civilized behavior, well that's fine

with me.

59.

PENELOPE:

I'm an advocate for civilized

behavior, you bet I am! And it's a

good thing somebody is!

(on the verge of

tears:
)

You think it's better to be a son of

a b*tch?

ALAN:

All right, all right...

PENELOPE:

(still about to cry:)

That's OK to criticize someone for

not being a temperamental son of a

b*tch?

NANCY:

Nobody said that. Nobody criticized

you for that.

PENELOPE:

You did!

(she cries)

ALAN:

We did not.

PENELOPE:

What was I supposed to do? Sue you?

Never talk to you and tear you to

pieces through the insurance company?

MICHAEL:

Stop it, Penny.

PENELOPE:

Stop what?!

MICHAEL:

You're blowing this all out of

proportion.

PENELOPE:

I don't care! You do everything you

can to avoid the pettiness and you

wind up humiliated and completely

alone!

ALAN’s cell vibrates again.

ALAN:

Yes.

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

It’s spreading like wild fire.

It’s out everywhere.

60.

ALAN:

Let them prove it!

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

Yeah.

ALAN:

Prove it!

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

Without some kind of response...

ALAN:

From where I sit, the best thing for

us to do is nothing!

MICHAEL:

We’re born alone and we die alone!

Who wants a little Scotch?

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

You know I keep going over this in

my mind, Alan. The victims

ALAN:

Walter, I'm in a meeting right now.

I'll call you when I get back to the

office.

He hangs up.

PENELOPE:

That's the thing. I am living with a

totally negative person.

ALAN:

Who's negative?

MICHAEL:

Me.

PENELOPE:

This was the worst possible idea! We

should never have had this meeting at

all!

MICHAEL:

I told you so.

PENELOPE:

You told me so?

MICHAEL:

Yeah.

PENELOPE:

You told me that you didn't want to

have this meeting?!

61.

MICHAEL:

I didn't think it was a very good

idea.

MICHAEL crosses to the liquor cabinet, pulls out a bottle

of scotch.

NANCY:

It was a good idea.

MICHAEL:

Oh come on!

(holding up the

bottle:
)

Who wants some?

PENELOPE:

You told me it wasn't a good idea,

Michael?!

MICHAEL:

As I recall.

PENELOPE:

As you recall!

ALAN:

Maybe just a sip.

NANCY:

Don't you have to go?

ALAN:

At this point in the game, I may as

well have a drink.

MICHAEL pours two glasses of scotch and hands one to ALAN.

PENELOPE:

Look me in the eyes and tell me again

we didn't both agree to this!

NANCY:

Calm down, Penelope, calm down. This

is going nowhere.

PENELOPE:

Who said not to touch the cobbler

this morning? Who said we should keep

the rest for the Cowan's? Who said

that?!

ALAN:

That was very nice of you.

MICHAEL:

What's that got to do with it?

62.

PENELOPE:

What do you mean what has it got to

do with it?!

MICHAEL:

Guests are guests.

PENELOPE:

You're lying, you're lying! He’s

lying!

ALAN:

You know my wife actually had to drag

me here today. When you grow up with

a certain John Wayne idea of manhood,

the impulse in this kind of situation

is not to talk it through.

MICHAEL:

Ha, ha!

NANCY:

I thought the role model was Ivanhoe.

ALAN:

Same basic concept.

MICHAEL:

Another aspect.

PENELOPE:

Another aspect! Just how much are you

going to humiliate yourself, huh?

NANCY:

I can see I dragged him here for

nothing.

ALAN:

What did you expect, Doodle? That is

a ridiculous nickname. Some

revelation about universal values?

This scotch is unbelievable.

MICHAEL:

Ah! See that? 18 years old, single

malt, from a tiny place in Scotland

where they still grow their own

barley.

PENELOPE:

And the tulips, who went to get them?

All I said was it's too bad we didn’t

get any tulips. I never said anything

about going all the way up to

Sullivan at dawn.

63.

NANCY:

Don't get all bent out of shape over

this, Penelope, it’s not worth it.

PENELOPE:

He got the tulips! Him and only him!

Don't we get a drink?

NANCY:

Penelope and I would like a drink,

too.

Pause. Michael crosses to the bar.

Pretty funny when you think about it,

a devotee of Ivanhoe and John Wayne

but he's scared to pick up an ittybitty

mouse.

MICHAEL:

Stop with the hamster! Stop!

MICHAEL serves NANCY some scotch.

PENELOPE:

Ha, ha! You're right, it's laughable!

NANCY:

And her?

MICHAEL:

I don't think that will be necessary.

PENELOPE:

Pour me a drink, Michael.

MICHAEL:

No.

PENELOPE:

Michael!

MICHAEL:

No.

PENELOPE tries to tear the bottle away from him.

MICHAEL won't let her.

NANCY:

What is wrong with you, Michael?!

MICHAEL hands PENELOPE the bottle.

MICHAEL:

Fine, go ahead. Drink, drink, what

does it matter?

64.

NANCY:

Is drinking bad for you or

something?

PENELOPE:

It's great for me. At this point...

She pours herself a drink, takes a sip, breaks down crying.

ALAN:

Well... Now I don't know...

PENELOPE:

(to ALAN:
)

Mr. uh...

NANCY:

Alan.

PENELOPE:

Alan, you and I didn't exactly hit it

off but you see, I live with a man

who has decided once and for all that

life is synonymous with mediocrity.

It's very hard to live with a man

who's walled himself up in that idea,

who doesn't want to change anything,

who never gets excited about

anything.

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