Carolina

Coffee, Susan, please.

With vanilla.

Good day, Mrs. Mirabeau.

- Ernie.|- Carolina.

And of course, good day

to the fairy princess herself,|Miss Georgia.

So how's married life|treating you this week, Ernie?

Fine.

Fine, fine.

It's another book.|You know me,

I didn't go through the 8th grade.|My grandbaby here reads Anna Karena.

Anna Karenina. She jumped in front|of a train when her boyfriend left.

Yeah, well grandma's gotta pee.

I want coffee, please.

No, you're too little.

You have coffee.

Thank you, that'll be all Susan.

You know what, you're not a fairy|princess. You're a fairy b*tch.

Yeah, you're an ugly smart b*tch.|No one will ever marry you.

I hate you!

- I hate you even more!|- Look at my shoes!

So what do I care?

- You did that on purpose!|- No I didn't!

- Yes you did!|- No!

- I didn't!|- Yes you did!

You're a b*tch!

Go ahead, kill each other.

Don't worry about the mess.|I'II hose it down after the killing.

Friends, I need some peace.

But Millie, you can't leave them|outside with those butcher knives.

They ain't that sharp.

Georgia.

We are not being raised right.

Hi daddy.

Sweet girls, daddy's got|a surprise for you.

A big surprise.

Is it a puppy?

Meet your new baby sister.|Her name is Maine.

Is her momma dead, too?

No, her mom's in a crazy house|in Bangor.

Theodore.

Hi, momma.

These better be|your soiled shorts in here.

Give me those knives.

Don't you sound that horn

at me, you son of a b*tch.|Leave another child at my doorstep.

Things are gonna be different|for you, Maine.

I promise you that.

Thanks for coming in, John.|You know how the show works, right?

Yeah, you find me a date.

Right. That is true.

But first, you need to tell me|what you look for in a woman.

Well, I want to re-enact|every scene from "91/2 Weeks."

You know, that movie with|Kim Bassinger and that guy.

When I meet my date,|I don't even want to know her name.

- Are you following this, Carolina?|- Loud and clear, Dave.

- John.|- John.

Hi, it's Maine.|Code word grim.

John, this is my assistant, Snake.|He's gonna take over for a second.

- Wait, how do you know what I want?|- John, it's what I do.

Maine?

Carolina, hello.|Grandma broke my riding crop.

Maine, you said code word grim.

And why are you speaking|in the phony British accent?

Grandma locked herself in the|dressing room and won't come out.

Okay, tell me.

They advertised a $89 VCR in the|paper but the sale ended yesterday.

Grandma said that's a crock of sh*t.|Snapped my riding crop in half

and locked herself in|the dressing room. Two hours ago.

Maine, just so you know, you lost|your accent on that last part.

- Is Georgia with you?|- Why yes. She is.

Georgia, it's Carolina.

Hi, what's up?

Can't you do something before this|ends up in another police report?

Maine!

Wait, we have movement.

Get me some toilet paper, honey,

cause I gotta go to the bathroom.

$56.90, lady, you win.

I want to experience you.

- Who, me?|- Sorry I'm late.

All my wonderful people.

Daphne St. Claire|is in the building.

- Nice to see you.|- How are you. Nice to see you.

Hello, my dear.

Look at all these people.|They've been camped out for days.

It's like a Pearl Jam concert.|You know why?

No, Albert, enlighten me.

Daphne's books unlock|the mysteries of love.

- We're next.|- Daphne is an oracle.

What would the oracle say about|the mysteries of my love life?

You always pick the wrong guy.|They either dump you, or...

you dump them.|You never get past the third date.

That's not true.|I have a fourth date tonight.

There you are, darling.|Have a nice day.

Wow!

Miss St. Claire, I can't tell you|what it means to finally meet you.

Well, hello, darling.

That's the second bad accent|I've heard today.

Who shall I make this out to?

Albert Morris.

I love all your books.

They'rejust so...

glamorous.

Like you. Daphne, tell me...

How do you write|about love so well?

Are you gay?

Not gay. Just a fan.

All hearts know about love.|All you have to do is listen.

- She was good this time, wasn't she?|- She was sober this time.

Your publisher should really hire a|better actress for your next book.

Remember, I want a full report|on the fourth date in the morning.

You have one message.

Hi, Carolina. This is Blake.

Listen, about tonight...|Something came up.

Morning.

Good morning, Carolina.

How was the fourth date?

He cancelled.

He dumped you?

You all right?

Of course I am.|I've forgotten about it already.

You should move, Allie.

You an afford a house|in Beverly Hills or adjacent.

And I hear they keep their car|stereos for 6 months around there.

No, I like the ambience here.

The ever-changing graffiti,

the distinct aroma of urine|in the air...

Wondering why that helicopter|keeps circling over my head.

I like our morning ritual. It makes|me feel like I've got a real job.

Have a great day at work.

Yeah, you too. Take care.

Hi.

Okay.

I don't normally do this,

but I don't think that people who|do this are freaks. Necessarily.

Anyway, I'm looking for a woman.

Hi.

I'm funny and I'm fun and...

I'm a good dancer, good kisser,

and I'm looking for someone|"who is nice and has a good job".

I got to see|"some pearly white teeth".

You can't be missing teeth. And no|yellow teeth, know what I'm saying?

A sense of humor is key.

Cause a lot of women,|they don't get my sense of humor.

They think I'm rude,|sarcastic or arrogant

It gets misinterpreted.

I like to feel her skin|and I like to...

see and taste and...

that's, you know,|I'm in touch with my senses.

And rather than me tell you,|I'll tell you what I've heard.

Men and women should be|equal partners in life.

Men and women should be|equal partners in life.

Anyway,

my name's Heath Pierson.

I'm fresh off

the Virgin 747 to Los Angeles|and I'm new here.

So...

- Snake!|- Yeah?

- I am the one they call Snake.|- Who's that guy?

He's one of the late ones|after you left.

- Put him on with that Kate girl.|- Kate? All right.

Why is it so quiet?|Where is everybody?

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Daphne? Are you there?|I've got to go.

Are you all set?

Daphne, aren't you ready yet?

Princess Tabitha has just been|kidnapped by Roark

the Pirate, who has dragged her|into his lair of wanton desire.

Isn't that the third "pirate capture|the princess" story you've written?

Pirates are classic.

And why are all the girls always|princesses, tell me that?

All women are princesses.|Guess what happens next.

She caresses|his throbbing manhood.

No, too soon, my pretty.

Guess again.

She removes her bodice|with trembling hands.

No, he'll remove it. He'll do it.|Last guess, make it a good one.

Okay.|His hands slowly roam

his newly conquered territory.

That I like.

I'll have to drive at warp speed.

- Okay, let's go, thief.|- Save, save, save!

The weathertoday in Los Angeles,|temperatures in the low to mid 80's.

Breezy at times, with a few|scattered clouds and smog levels.

Boy does your grandmother live|in a strange part of Los Angeles.

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