Carolina Page #2

Why is it so hard to be|an adult around my family?

That's why I left my family

3,000 miles away and came here.

Grandma'll make a scene, someone'll|get drunk and try to shoot someone.

Georgia will end up crying for no|reason. It's like family voodoo.

That's why I like it.

Grandma likes you, but if she knew|you were Daphne she'd kill you.

Hey, Chang, how are you doing?

Hello.

- Hey!|- Hey!

How's your wee thing hanging,|Albert?

- Awee bit to the left.|- Oh, yeah.

Carolina, how're you doing, baby?

- I'm good, how are you?|- I'm good, baby.

- These are for you.|- Thank you.

Why did you go waste your money on|something that's gonna die anyway?

Cause I wanted to.

Well, next time,|make it perfume.

So how are you, grandma?

I'm as nervous as a whore|in church, honey.

I've got all this food to cook up|for my crazy family.

- Would you let me help this time?|- No, you'll just get in the way.

Well, I hear you're bringing|your new man.

I broke up with him.

You broke up with him?

Carolina.

Lying your ass off|is unbecoming, honey.

You go see Maine. She's been|hollering for you all day.

I swear that child is one taco|short of a combination plate.

Albert, come in here|and get your belly full.

- I've got a present for you.|- Don't you knock?

Mirabeaus don't knock.|Maine, we have no boundaries.

What are you doing?

Maine is winning the lottery.

Is that so?

The rocking horse boy rode so hard|he went into a trance

and in the trance he saw the winning|horse's name before each race.

You reading D.H. Lawrence now?

I put big money on the Kentucky|Derby and I'm gonna win the lottery.

I've already seen two winning|lottery numbers. 4 and 27, see?

4 and 27.

If you insist on patronizing me,|please leave.

You're clouding my trance.

What's that?

Onscreen programming.

You can set the timer to record|your favorite shows. See?

Don't let technology scare you.

Nothing scares me, kid.|I just want you to do it for it.

Hey.

Guess what? Grandma got a top of the|line VCR. It only cost her 50 bucks.

So I heard.

Shut.

You gotta do what you gotta do,|Carolina.

Life is serious business.

I got me my leather interiors|with that toilet paper trick.

Works every single time.|No bullshit.

Okay, all you lazy

good-for-nothing goldbrickers.

Dinner is served.|Come and get it.

If grandma offers you|jerky or chitlings say no.

Well.

I see your Aunt Marilyn|brought her breasts.

- Warning one, Albert.|- How long was she in for?

Three months.

Aunt Marilyn used her|little black book again.

Police chief, who was into high|heels, let her out on good behavior.

Inspiring. She should write a book.|Daphne St. Claire could co-write it.

- Over Daphne's dead body.|- Daphne could use the research.

Would you really sleep with a $50|a night hooker and pay for it?

I don't know about paying for it.

No, seriously.

Seriously?

I've never really been|a one-night-stand kind of guy.

So you've been in love with|all the women you've slept with?

Well...

Well, how many have there been?

Afew.

Okay, but how many?

Hey, back off.

So you really think you know|what love feels like?

Come on, Carolina,|stop dawdling.

- Come on.|- Yes, Ma'am.

No, I don't eat meat any more,|remember?

And you wonder why|you can't find a man?

Watch it.

Next.

Got it close, didn't I?

What's that in your hand?

It's a party, isn't it?

What's with you

and my daughter?|Ain't you having sex yet?

What?

No, no. We're just good friends,|that's all.

What's the matter?|She not good enough for you?

- No, no.|- What?

I mean, yes, of course she is...|She's just...

friends and sex don't mix.

Where's... I'm sorry, what's|his name, your new boyfriend?

- Seth.|- Right.

I broke his heart.

Why do I keep doing that?

What happened?

I told him my baby wasn't his.

You're pregnant?

How can you be pregnant?

The usual way.

Do you know who the father is?

Excuse me?

I mean, of course, of course|you know who the father is. Right?

I do.

Well, do you want me|to go with you?

I'm gonna keep it.

You're gonna raise a baby|all by yourself?

You don't have a job.|You've never had a job.

I tried to get ajob once.

I didn't have the right shoes.

Don't tell grandma, okay?

I'll tell her.|When the time's right.

Okay?

Grandma, have you read|Daphne St. Claire's new book?

Oh, you're damned straight|I have.

That's what you need, girl.

A man like Ashlen China|from "Roughing it at Midnight."

Ashlen's from "Moonlight Rhapsody."|He's not her type.

You read the romances, Marilyn?

Oh, I already know|all I need to know.

I bet you do.

I like you, Albert, because you're|a man who has no shame about reading

the romances.

Did you read|"Love's Sacred Desire"?

Crap!

You didn't like "Desire"?

No. That Daphne St. Claire|shot her wad on that one.

Too much talking,|not enough loving.

What she needs to do is get drunk|and howl at the moon.

I agree.

You could use a little howling|yourself, honey.

I'm focusing on my career.

Okay, but your titties aren't gonna|stay perfect forever, you know.

Well, that's what surgery's for.

Right.

You got one big problem, Carolina.|It's called bad man picking.

How can you say that when you've|only met one guy I've been with?

I don't need to meet the rooster|when I got the hen right here.

And the hen's not happy.

The hen is, too, happy.

The hen looks down on|her grandma

cause the grandma leads her life|exactly anyway she damn pleases.

In fact,|the hen hates her grandma

- cause of that.|- I do not.

It'sjust that I would|do things differently.

Oh, really, how's that?

Everybody.

I have an announcement to make.|This year

I'm gonna have a formal Christmas|sit-down dinner

at my house. And I hope|all of you can make it.

This is where we eat, Carolina.|You know that.

- But wouldn't it be nice if...?|- Lf?

If a frog had wings he wouldn't|bump his ass so much. No.

Well, what about you guys?

Anyone?

Daddy?

Why don't you girlsjust figure this|out and tell me where you want me?

I can't believe he just sat there|and did nothing.

He was drunk.

That was his excuse when he drove us|off the overpass when I was ten.

What happened.

We all died, Albert.

The reservoir was full of sand.

She'll never come, will she?

She'll come.

Hey, I can't even wait|for Christmas.

Night.

Welcome to our local show.

I'm Desie Dean.

Welcome to the Perfect Date|pre-show.

First, to warm us up, my friends|swami Hemichandra.

La-mastra everybody. The warm up|is stand up, everybody cold.

Are you Carolina?

- Yeah, yes.|- Hi. I'm Heath Pierson.

Snake says you're the one to thank|for choosing me as a contestant.

You're welcome, Heath.|Was it a successful date?

Yes, yes it was.|The romance wasn't there, but...

we had a good time.

What a great attitude. Most people,|if it's not love at first sight,

they wished they had never|come on the show. Why did you?

I lost a bet with someone in my|office. But I thought, 'Why not? "

I'm new to L.A,|I don't know anyone.

And it's a difficult city|to meet people in, as you know.

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