Carolina Page #5

Amen.

Amen.

Daddy, I think you should|carve the turkey.

Okay.

I think you got yourself|a dilemma, son.

I've got two fine-Iooking turkeys

front of me here.

And I'mjust one man.

I'd like to ask Al

to give me a hand.

Al?

I'll go get another knife.

Let's move this Martha Stewart sh*t|out of the way and move this turkey.

Maine, what kind of horses|do you ride?

Dead ones.

So you were raised in Britain?

I was raised right god damn here.

Language.

What happened to your accent?

I'm over it.

No, everyone has to pass|to the right.

- This way.|- Oh, to the right.

Congratulations on the baby.|Where is the father to be?

One night stand.

Daddy,

- Heath works in advertising.|- Oh, that's good work.

Have you done anything|that I might know?

Well, my firm did those|Absolut Vodka themed ads.

You know.

Bond. Absolut Bond.

Oh, yeah.

That was you?

So what kind of work|do you do, sir?

I'm a drunk.

- Been 30 days since my last drink.|- Daddy, really?

Big love, Daddy.

It's only 30 days.

Why?

Because if I leave her alone,|she's gonna pee on my shoes.

Did I tell you the one|about the time I found Marilyn

playing lollipop with|the reverend under the table?

- How about a different story?|- Okay.

How about the time Marilyn|hit me up side the head

with an axe handle?

- Yes, tell that one.|- Yeah, how'd you get back at her?

Now, even though I'm the oldest

and Marilyn is the youngest, she was|always built like a brick shithouse.

When she was ten

she didn't have those big b*obs

like she's got now.|Well, she was worried about that.

And there was this dance coming up,|and I said: "Marilyn,

what you gotta do is get chicken|manure spread on those boobies

and they'll grow faster. "|And so,

she did. She spread the chicken|manure and she rubbed...

and she rubbed and she rubbed...

And she rubbed for weeks.|Comes the time for the dance,

she stank to high heaven.

And the flies were swarming|all over her.

She never hit me up side the head|with that axe handle

again.

Is that why Aunt Marilyn's|a whore?

She's not a whore, honey.|She's a madam.

She's the madam cause|she likes money without taxation.

Anyone for eggnog?

Yeah, I'll have some.|Thanks, honey.

So Heath, come over here,|honey, and sit down and tell us

all about yourself. Come on.

Actually, Mrs. Mirabeau,|I have to leave, I'm afraid.

Another Christmas party.|One of those boring

office things.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Did I tell you the one|about when...

Now listen.|If you have to leave, leave.

But first, can you go back|in there and tell Carolina

how much meeting her family|has meant to you and...

and how special a day|it was for you? Can you do that?

Yeah, I can do that.|Can I ask you something?

Shoot.

You and Carolina?|Have you got a thing going on?

No.

No thing.

Good night everyone.|Off to the races.

Well, I had a good time.

I did.

You got your wish.

But next time Christmas is gonna be|in my backyard again. You got it?

I do.

It was harder than I thought it was|gonna be. You make it look easy.

Thank you.

I love you, you know.

I love you too, pet.

Oh, about Heath person of yours...

Nice boy.

Isn't he though?

But stiffer than a preacher's dick|at a wedding.

Good night, pumpkin.

Yeah?

Hi.

Hey.

I forgot to give you|my Christmas present.

- Close your eyes.|- Okay.

Open them.

Merry Christmas. We're the cleaning|queens of West Hollywood.

Are you ready?|Five, six, seven, eight.

Dusting and sweeping|and scrubbing with Comet

We'll clean your mess up|from blood stains to vomit

- The sweeper.|- The Hoover.

I'm good with a hose.

Smells can't outrun us|cause I'm good with my nose.

- Get the stains out.|- Scrub that tile grout.

Using decleaning foam.

We'll pass the red glove test|in no time at all.

We'll even Feng Shui your home.

The cleaning queens.

- That was great!|- I just had a glass ring fall out.

So, leave the dishes to the experts|and come with me.

What is it?

Oh, new Daphne galleys.

Let me see.

You put your own name|on a Daphne book?

It's not a Daphne book.|It's my book.

If you

turn the page there...

For Carolina.|Albert, that's...

I think I'm gonna cry.

I've been writing it on and off|for about a year now.

It's about us, really.

You're a sort of...|I mean, it's inspired by us.

Is it bad?

No.

It's... it's...

It's a love story, Carolina.

It's everything I've been afraid to|say. Everything I feel about you.

Albert. Oh my God.

Me and Debbie, you and Heath,|you know...

They're great people, yeah,|but they're not our people.

Carolina.

This isn't hard.

We were friends first,|which is what's gonna make us last.

I think I'd better go check on|the cleaning crew.

Please don't walk out that door.

This is all so sudden, I...

You tell me that you wrote a book|about us, and that you want us...

That's not fair, really.

I should have known. I should have|known, this is what you do

with every guy that you meet,|but...

the joke's on me, isn't it.|Because I thought I was different.

You are different.

You can't just spring this on me.|I...

I don't know what to say.

You just said it.

Why aren't you out with Heath|on New Year's Eve, Carolina?

He didn't call.

What about Albert?

What do you want to wear tonight?

- You decide.|- Is Ernie still married?

The zipper's busted.|Of course Ernie's still married.

How come you're dating|a married man?

Grandma skips that commandment,|Maine.

That's a good one.|Thank you, honey.

Now, you know,|after a while, you learn that

the rules of the world don't have to|apply to you. You think about it.

It's all nonsense.

It is.

We're here. We die.

Now when I met your grandpa|Herschel we was both 15.

He could drink a whole entire bottle|of soda and never take a breath.

And he had

very clean fingernails.|So I married him.

You know, when he died, my true|love died. Soured me on my home.

So...

Me and my boy Teddy,|we come west.

And here I am.|Asingle grandma.

And whenever I need a man,|I got Ernie.

We have an understanding|between us.

And, girls, that is a lot|in this world.

Thank you for making me so|presentable on New Year's Eve.

Evening, Millie.

Evening, Ernie. Thank you.

Yeah. My you look nice tonight.

Okay, thank you.

- That's a beautiful dress you have.|- Thank you.

Now remember.

God said celebrate, not celibate.

Let me get that.

- Thanks, Ernie. See you.|- Bye.

Bye.

So, what do you guys want to do|on New Year's Eve?

Get drunk and watch the ball drop,|what else?

- Sounds good.|- What's celibate?

...a boy. But I had a dream last|night it was a girl. Maybe twins.

Well, if you have a girl or a boy,|you could still use this, right?

It has like rockets|and cars and stuff.

And I'm a girl,|and I like rockets and cars.

4.27.

26!

26.

Here you go, hon.|Where's Albert?

We've missed your faces|around here.

Thanks. It's nice to be missed.

Is this seat taken?

How did you find me?

I stopped by your apartment|yesterday but you weren't there.

Albert told me you come here|every Monday morning for pancakes.

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