Carrie Fisher: Wishful Drinking

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( piano playing )

Carrie Fisher:

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE AGAIN:

THE SKIES ABOVE:

ARE CLEAR AGAIN...

Man:
GUYS, WE'RE A ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO 8:00,

SO HOW ARE WE DOING?

SO LET'S SING A SONG

OF CHEER AGAIN:

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE AGAIN...

Man:
I HAVE BRIAN

STANDING BY FOR A MIKE CHECK

WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY.

- Man #2:
GREAT, THANK YOU.

- ALL TOGETHER SHOUT IT NOW

THERE'S NO ONE

WHO CAN DOUBT IT NOW

SO LET'S TELL THE WORLD

ABOUT IT NOW...

CARRIE, WHEN YOU

HAVE A MOMENT,

COULD YOU JUS COUNT ONE TO 10 FOR ME,

PLEASE, AND MOVE AROUND

A LITTLE BIT?

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

FIVE, SIX,

SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10.

THERE'LL BE NO MORE

FROM NOW ON...

- OKAY, HERE WE GO.

- FROM NOW ON...

ALL RIGHT.

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE AGAIN:

THE SKIES ABOVE:

ARE CLEAR AGAIN...

Woman:

THERE'S A BIG,

FULL HOUSE OUT THERE.

THEY'RE SETTLING THEM IN.

THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.

HAPPY TIMES,

HAPPY NIGHTS...

SORRY.

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE...

HI.

I'M CARRIE FISHER,

AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

AGAIN.

I DIDN'T REALLY GET YOUR

AREA THAT WELL, DID I?

AWW.

THANK YOU.

HERE.

( laughter )

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH

OF THAT.

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

ANYTIME.

( sighs )

OKAY, NOW...

I HAVE TO STAR BY TELLING YOU

THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE

COULD BE SUMMED UP

IN ONE PHRASE,

AND THAT IS:

IF MY LIFE:

WASN'T FUNNY

IT WOULD JUS BE TRUE,

AND THAT IS COMPLETELY

UNACCEPTABLE.

NOW WHAT THA MEANS IS,

OTHER THAN:

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,

LET'S SAY SOMETHING

HAPPENS, RIGHT?

AND FROM A CERTAIN SLAN MAYBE IT'S TRAGIC,

EVEN A LITTLE BI SHOCKING.

AND THEN TIME PASSES

AND YOU GO:

TO THE FUNNY SLANT.

AND NOW:

THAT VERY SAME THING

CAN NO LONGER:

DO YOU ANY HARM.

SO WHAT WE'RE REALLY

TALKING ABOUT THEN

IS LOCATION LOCATION

LOCATION.

NOW AN EXAMPLE OF

THE TRAGIC AND SHOCKING

MIGHT BE:

ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,

FOUR MONTHS:

AND NINE DAYS,

A FRIEND OF MINE

DIED AT MY HOUSE.

BUT NOT CONTEN TO SIMPLY DIE

AT MY HOUSE,

THIS GUY ALSO DIED

IN MY BED.

YEAH.

SO HE DIDN'T JUS DIE IN HIS SLEEP,

HE DIED IN MINE.

IF YOU ENTERTAIN

LIKE I DO,

REALLY TRY TO ALER YOUR GUESTS

NOT TO DO THIS, OKAY?

FOR TWO REASONS:

REALLY:

A-- IT'S KIND OF

BAD MANNERS:

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

YOU KNOW?

AND TWO--

IT TENDS:

TO THROW THE HOST,

OR HOSTESS,

OFF THEIR GAME:

A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, FOR A YEAR

OR FIVE.

GREG WAS ONE OF MY

BEST FRIENDS.

HE WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND

OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DIE

IN THE SADDLE,

WHICH WOULD'VE MADE ME

THE SADDLE.

NOW IF YOU HAVE,

SERIOUSLY,

ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL

ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO WAKE UP NEXT TO A CORPSE

WHO WAS VERY RECENTLY

A BELOVED FRIEND,

YOU COULD JUST SHOUT OU WHATEVER QUESTION YOU HAD

AND I WOULD DO MY VERY BES TO FIELD IT.

SO YOU'VE ALL WOKEN UP

WITH DEAD BODIES?

Man:

WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?

WHAT WAS I WEARING?

YOU MEAN, IF IT WAS,

LIKE, A WRONG OUTFI THAT MIGHT HAVE

KILLED HIM?

NOW ACTUALLY ONE OF MY

FAVORITE QUESTIONS

THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED IS

WAS I NAKED.

I HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED

IN 15 YEARS.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN

SLEEVELESS IN 20.

SOME OF YOU LADIES KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I SHOULD TELL YOU

AT THIS POIN JUST TO GET YOU

GOING HERE,

GREG WAS A REPUBLICAN,

WHICH I DO BELIEVE

CONTRIBUTED IN PAR TO HIS DEATH.

( applause )

WELL, BUT NO,

HE DID--

HE HAD A VERY VERY

SERIOUS CASE.

HE WAS A LOBBYIST,

WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY FATAL

IN SOME INSTANCES.

Woman:

WHAT WAS HE WEARING?

WHAT WAS:

HE WEARING?

WHAT THE F***

DOES IT MATTER?

HE WAS DEAD.

THE DEAD,

CONTRARY TO RUMOR,

DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOU WHAT THEY'RE WEARING.

Woman #2:

WHO WAS THE FIRS PERSON YOU CALLED?

WHO WOULD YOU CALL

IN THAT SITUATION?

- Woman #2:
I'M NOT SURE.

- Woman #3:
YOUR MOTHER.

WELL YES,

THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, NOW IF YOU KNEW

MY MOTHER, MAYBE NOT.

911, OKAY?

AND THE POLICE DID COME,

AS THEY OFTEN DO

WHEN THERE ARE DEAD BODIES

STREWN ABOUT.

SO I'M ACTUALLY--

I'M STANDING

IN THE LIVING ROOM

WITH THIS POLICEMAN.

HE TURNS TO ME:

AND HE SAYS,

"I REALLY LIKE

YOUR HOUSE."

MY FRIEND DAVE SAID TO ME

AT THE TIME,

"YOU KNOW, HONEY,

I KNOW THIS IS ALL

JUST A GIGANTIC:

PAIN IN THE ASS."

AND I SAID,

"IF I COULD ISOLATE

THE PAIN:

JUST TO MY ASS,

IT WOULD BE:

FANTASTIC."

AND HE SAID, "WELL,

THAT'S THE MEDITATION

THEN."

ANYWAY, ENOUGH

ABOUT DEATH, OKAY?

I JUST--

I WANTED TO GE THAT BUMMER STORY

OUT OF THE WAY:

AT THE TOP:

OF THE SHOW.

NOW I WAS BORN:

IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,

TO SIMPLE FOLK,

PEOPLE OF THE LAND.

NO, ACTUALLY.

MY FATHER WAS:

A FAMOUS SINGER.

TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DEE

TWEEDLE DEE DEE:

I'M AS HAPPY

AS CAN BE...

AND MY MOM--

YOU WANT TO HEAR

SOMETHING REALLY COOL?

MY MOTHER'S

A MOVIE STAR.

- ( fans cheering )

- Woman:
DEBBIE, WE LOVE YOU!

SHE IS LITERALLY,

LIKE, AN ICON--

A GAY ICON,

BUT YOU TAKE YOUR

ICONIC STATURE:

WHERE YOU CAN:

GET IT.

MY FATHER--

HE HAD A LO OF HIT SONGS.

BUT I THINK THE ONE

HE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR

IS THE SONG:

"OH! MY PAPA"--

OH! MY PAPA...

--WHICH I LIKE

TO CALL:

"OH MY FAUX PAS."

AND MY MOTHER,

SHE HAD--

SHE DID TONS OF FILMS,

YOU KNOW,

BUT PROBABLY:

THE ONE SHE'S BES REMEMBERED FOR

IS THE CLASSIC FILM

"SINGING IN THE RAIN."

SHE WAS ALSO:

NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR

FOR BEST ACTRESS

FOR HER WORK IN:

"THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN."

BUT SHE LOS TO JULIE ANDREWS

FOR HER STUNNING,

LAYERED:

AND MOVING PORTRAI OF MARY POPPINS.

I THINK IT WAS:

IBSEN'S "MARY POPPINS."

AND MY MOTHER--

SHE ALSO MADE ANOTHER FILM

CALLED "TAMMY,"

WHICH WAS A HIT SONG

AS WELL,

WHICH REALLY:

PISSED OFF MY DAD

'CAUSE THAT WAS

HIS AREA, YOU KNOW?

TAMMY, TAMMY

CAN'T LET HIM GO...

SHE WAS-- ACTUALLY

SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME

WHEN SHE FILMED:

"TAMMY."

SHE WAS ALSO:

PREGNANT WITH ME

IN YET ANOTHER FILM.

AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED

"A BUNDLE OF JOY,"

COSTARRING THA MARVELOUS METHOD ACTOR

EDDIE FISHER.

( swing music playing )

PREGNANT, OKAY?

OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE

LAMAZE IN THE '50s

COMING UP.

THERE IT IS.

OH YEAH.

I THINK THAT EXPLAINS

A LOT, DON'T YOU?

( applause )

YEAH.

WHEN I WAS BORN:

MY MOM WAS GIVEN

ANESTHESIA.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE EPIDURALS

IN THOSE DAYS, RIGHT?

SO MY MOTHER:

WAS UNCONSCIOUS.

NOW MY MOTHER:

IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL

TODAY AT 78.

AT 24

SHE LOOKED LIKE:

A CHRISTMAS MORNING.

SO ALL THE DOCTORS--

THEY'RE BUZZING AROUND

HER HEAD GOING,

"OH LOOK, THERE'S

DEBBIE REYNOLDS ASLEEP.

HOW PRETTY."

THEN MY FATHER,

UPON SEEING ME,

YOU KNOW,

START TO COME THROUGH--

CROWN, WITH ALL THE PLACENTA

AND THE-- UGH--

MY FATHER FAINTS

DEAD AWAY.

SO NOW:

ALL THE NURSES GO,

"OH LOOK, THERE'S

EDDIE FISHER THE CROONER

ON THE GROUND.

LET'S GO LOOK AT HIM."

SO WHEN I ARRIVED

I WAS VIRTUALLY:

UNATTENDED.

AND I'VE BEEN

TRYING:

TO MAKE UP FOR THAT FAC EVER SINCE.

EVEN THIS SHOW:

TONIGH IS A PATHETIC BID

FOR THE ATTENTION

THAT I LACKED:

AS A NEWBORN.

- ( applause )

- OH, THANK YOU.

THAT HELPS SO MUCH.

YEAH.

MY DAD--

HE WAS BEST FRIENDS

WITH THIS VERY VERY

CHARISMATIC PRODUCER

WHOSE NAME WAS:

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