Carrie Fisher: Wishful Drinking Page #2
- Year:
- 2010
- 34 Views
MIKE TODD.
HE PRODUCED:
A FILM CALLED:
"AROUND THE WORLD
IN 80 DAYS,"
WHICH WON AN OSCAR
FOR BEST PICTURE.
SO MY FATHER,
MY MOTHER,
MIKE TODD:
AND HIS FIANCEE,
WHO HAPPENED TO BE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR--
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THEY WENT EVERYWHERE
TOGETHER, RIGHT?
I MEAN,
THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS.
THEY WENT ON CRUISES.
THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED
THE WORLD.
SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH
GOT MARRIED,
MY FATHER WAS:
MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN
AND MY MOTHER WAS
ELIZABETH'S
MATRON OF HONOR.
YEAH.
ON HER WEDDING DAY.
NOW LATER I DID:
HEAR HER MUMBLE:
THAT SHE WISHED:
SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR.
BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER
WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I WAS ABOU ONE AND A HALF OR TWO
WHEN MY BROTHER:
WAS BORN.
AND MY FATHER--
HE SO ADORED:
THIS MAN MIKE TODD
THAT MY BROTHER TODD
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IN THE JEWISH FAITH
IT IS CONSIDERED
BACK LUCK:
TO NAME A NEWBORN
AFTER SOMEONE:
WHO'S STILL LIVING--
A SILLY SUPERSTITION...
OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
MIKE TODD TOOK OFF
IN A PRIVATE PLANE
IN A RAINSTORM.
Newscaster:
MISS TAYLOR WAS:
IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE
FOLLOWING:
IN A PLANE CRASH.
AND THE FOLLOWING
MORNING:
ELIZABETH WAS:
A WIDOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW
TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE,
SLOWLY TO HER FRONT.
( laughter )
WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
HE CONSOLED HER:
WITH FLOWERS.
AND ULTIMATELY:
HE CONSOLED HER:
WITH HIS PENIS.
THIS MADE MARRIAGE
TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD.
AND SO HE WAS GONE
WITHIN THE WEEK.
Newscaster:
DEBBIE REYNOLDS WEN INTO COUR AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD
A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER.
SHOWING NO EMOTION,
THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED
HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME
INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD
RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER
BILLIE--
SHE'S ACTUALLY
ABOUT TO TURN 18--
SHE HAD A FLIRTATION
WITH MIKE TODD:
AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON.
AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET,
YOU KNOW,
THEY WERE TRYING
FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT,
AND IF THEY WERE
RELATED IN ANY WAY.
SO I THOUGH ABOUT IT.
NOW WHEN I THINK,
I NEED AN ENORMOUS
BLACKBOARD.
ALSO IT IS HELPFUL
IF I CAN HAVE:
A STICK.
THAT WAY:
I COULD POIN TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE
ON THE BLACKBOARD AND--
WHEN YOU PRAY.
THIS IS GARRET--
MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR
AND GYNECOLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
SO WELCOME, CLASS,
TO HOLLYWOOD 101.
ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE
WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE.
NOW IN THE '50s
THEY WERE KNOWN:
AS AMERICA'S
SWEETHEARTS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT ARE YOUNGER,
TRY TO THINK OF I THIS WAY:
THINK OF EDDIE:
AS BRAD PITT,
DEBBIE AS:
JENNIFER ANISTON
AND ELIZABETH:
AS ANGELINA JOLIE.
DOES THAT HELP?
THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, SO...
EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH
WITH HIS PENIS.
ELIZABETH TAKES:
A BIG-BUDGET FILM
"CLEOPATRA."
SHE MEETS HER COSTAR
RICHARD BURTON.
WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE,
HELLO RICHARD.
THE TWO OF THEM--
THEY HIT IT OFF:
LIKE GANGBUSTERS,
YOU KNOW?
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP
OF VIOLET EYES:
AND WELSH ACCENTS
AND DRINKING:
AND DANCING:
AND LUST AND JOY
AND FUN.
BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS
RELATIONSHIP.
SO AFTER A WHILE
THE STORM CLOUDS CAME,
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
NO CHEATING.
WHAT?
STORM CLOUDS:
ARE A NEGATIVE.
Woman:
DIVORCE.
- DIVORCE, OKAY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- NICOLE.
- WHAT?
- NICOLE.
NICOLE.
OKAY, NICOLE,
WHAT WE DO WITH OUR
BETTER STUDENTS:
HERE A HOLLYWOOD 101--
WE PROVIDE THEM:
WITH A MEDAL.
THINK OF I AS A METAPHOR
- FOR GETTING A MEDAL.
- OKAY.
- LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING
- SHOULD I COME AND GET IT?
YOU'RE OUT OF THE--
UNDO IT BECAUSE--
- OH, THANK YOU.
THERE WE GO.
NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL--
- OH JESUS.
WELL, LET ME JUST PUT I IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN.
( audience laughter )
- WHICH IS AMPLE.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- OKAY.
- THANK YOU.
NOW, NICOLE,
STILL EARN THIS, OKAY?
- OKAY, I GOT IT.
SIT BACK DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, SO...
- ( applause )
AS NICOLE SAID,
THEY DID GE A DIVORCE.
BUT THEY HAD:
GOOD MEMORIES:
OF EACH OTHER,
SO, NICOLE,
WHAT'D THEY DO THEN?
- THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN.
- THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP
THAT IN MIND:
LET'S GO
TO DEBBIE, OKAY?
DEBBIE DOES NOT WAN ANOTHER MAN
WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF.
SO SHE MARRIES:
SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD,
WHO CAN'T RUN.
NOW HE JUST SITS
IN A CHAIR,
HE SMOKES:
AND HE DRINKS.
AND AFTER ABOU 13 YEARS
HE LOSES:
ALL HIS MONEY:
AND THEN HE TAKES
ALL HERS--
FUN.
AND THEY GO DIVORCED.
AND SHE WAS ALONE
FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN:
FATE INTERVENED:
AND BROUGHT HER:
THIS SOCIOPATH.
YEAH, THAT'S
RICHARD HAMLETT.
HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO--
HER MONEY.
BUT NOW BEFORE WE GE TOO FAR PAS THIS FIRST STEPFATHER
RIGHT HERE,
THIS MAN IS NAMED
HARRY KARL.
HARRY WAS:
A SHOE TYCOON.
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THOSE WORDS
SHOULD FI TOGETHER, DOES IT?
IN THIS CASE THEY DO.
ALL RIGHT,
MARRIED TO MY MOM,
HARRY WAS MARRIED
TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARIE McDONALD--
MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD,
AS SHE WAS KNOWN.
MARIE WAS:
AN ACTRESS-- ISH.
AND SO THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED,
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEY HAD A CHILD.
AND THAT WEN SO WELL,
THEY ADOPTED:
TWO MORE.
NOW MARIE McDONALD
WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC,
ROMANTIC WOMAN.
AND I SAY THIS:
BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
A GRAND TOTAL:
OF NINE TIMES.
YEAH.
NOW THAT IS A RECORD
FOR THE BOARD.
AND THAT IS:
SAYING SOMETHING,
BECAUSE THIS IS:
A MARRYING BOARD.
IF YOU MARRY:
THAT MANY TIMES,
YOU'RE BOUND TO GE A HEADACHE, NO?
TWICE GAVE ME:
A WHOPPER.
ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE POOR MARIE:
A HEADACHE:
BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP
ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.
NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY WILD?
I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.
IF YOU GET ADDICTED
TO PAINKILLERS,
IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO
WHO KNEW THAT?
IT DID GO WRONG:
FOR MARIE,
BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP
OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON.
AND THAT LAST HUSBAND
OF HERS:
SHOT HIMSELF.
WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER
TO DEATH.
SO NOW THERE ARE
THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO
WITH THEM?
OH, I KNOW.
LET'S SEND THEM
THEY ARE TOLD:
THAT ONE OF THESE
THREE CHILDREN:
SHOULD BE:
INSTITUTIONALIZED.
BUT MY MOTHER IS
A GOOD PERSON,
MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN,
ONLY SMARTER.
AND SHE SAID,
"ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE WILL PUT HER:
IN CARRIE'S ROOM!"
IT'S FUNNY NOW.
NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE,
SHALL WE?
HOW DO YOU:
FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT?
SO HE-- HE THINKS OF
SOMETHING THOUGH.
HE DOES:
PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.
HE MEETS:
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
NOW THIS IS:
A BLONDE, CUTE,
PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
DOESN'T IT?
NO, IT'S NO DEBBIE AGAIN.
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