Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #2

They were ripped off.

Ripped off? By whom?

I didn't catch his name.

But he was a huge Burpa.

Anative knows

that you were wearing underpants?!

Good Gad! This is more serious than I thought.

We must see His Excellency right away.

- Follow me.

- Headgear on! Left turn!

Quick march! Left right, left right, left right...

Left right, left right, left right. Halt!

Major Shorthouse,

I must see the Governor right away.

I can't disturb him now.

He's with the memsahib, having a bit of tiffin.

Oh, that is awkward.

However, it is a matter of the utmost urgency.

Well, I'll see if they've finished.

- You can't come in!

- Certainly not, sir,

but Captain Keene's here to see you

on a matter of the utmost urgency.

Oh, all right, just a minute.

Just coming.

Now, what is it? You know

how I hate being interrupted in mid-tiffin.

I know, sir, I'm sorry.

That's all very well, but it's not often

the mem and I get the chance these days.

When we were in Calcutta,

we had it twice a day, together. Regularly.

I'm afraid it's my fault, Your Excellency.

I expect she'll keep it warm.

What is it that's so urgent?

Your Excellency, I regret to report

there's been an incident at the Pass.

There's always incidents at passes. You've

only got to make a pass and you're in trouble.

I'm afraid this was no ordinary incident, sir.

If you'd just listen to Private Widdle's story.

- All right, all right. Make it quick.

- All right. Sergeant Major.

Private Widdle, four paces forward... march!

Left right, left right. Halt!

Le-e-eft turn!

Headgear in hand! Brace!

Story... from the beginning... begin!

Gawd blimey! You don't have to make

a full-scale tattoo out of it.

Get on with it, Widdling.

Erm... Widdle, sir.

All right, Widdle, but get on with it.

Well, sir, I was on guard duty up the Pass

when this huge Burpa suddenly appeared

in front of me and pulled it out.

- Pulled what out?

- His um... sword thing.

Oh...

Go on, then.

Well, sir, the next thing I remember is coming to,

lying on the ground... and they were off.

They were?

Blimey, that's rough.

- He means his underpants were off, sir.

- Quite.

But you fellas don't wear 'em.

No, sir, but Private Widdle did.

If the natives ever get to hear of this, sir,

it will destroy our reputation for toughness.

He's right, sir. A little thing like this

could start off a rebellion.

- Oh, hardly.

- The massacre of thousands of people.

- Oh, please!

- The end of British rule in India.

- Oh, rubbish!

- And the finish of a cushy job for you.

We'll have to do something.

Sir, our only hope now is to try and scotch

the rumour before it spreads too far.

You're right.

Absolutely right.

I will go and see the Khasi personally.

This calls for a spot of top-level diplomatic bluff.

The sort of thing that made our empire what it is.

We are not called John Bull for nothing.

Well, thank goodness.

Now we can finish our tiffin.

- Later. I've got something important to do.

- What?

- I've got to go to the Khasi.

- You should have gone before.

- The Khasi of Kalabar.

- Ooh.

- Ooh! Can I come, too?

- Haven't we got enough trouble

without you coming along, opening

your big mouth and shoving your flat foot in it?

Oh, that's very nice. It never occurs to you

that I might be able to help.

- Help? How?

- The Khasi is susceptible to beautiful women.

Yes, well, so am I. Look what I finished up with.

Ha ha-ha!

Oh, very funny!

You may not realise it, Sidney Ruff-Diamond,

but there are hidden fires in me.

There might have been once

but now you're just bung-full of clinker.

If I am, it's because you never bother...

Oh, shut up.

Tell Shorthouse to call me an elephant.

He needn't bother, I will. You're an elephant!

(Elephant trumpets)

Highness, the Governor is on his way.

Ah. I thought it would not be long

before he came.

Return to your quarters, O warmers of my feet.

Not you, O light of my darkness.

I want you to stay and witness

the discomfiture of the British pigs.

Yes, my father.

I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

Rank stupidity!

His Excellency, the Governor of Kalabar.

# Rule Britannia

Your Excellency,

your presence enriches my humble home.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu

bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success

in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance light up your life.

And up yours.

Your Excellency is most kind.

May I have the honour to present my daughter,

the Princess Jelhi?

An appropriate name

for one set in so perfect a mould.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh, 'ere.

I must beg Your Excellency not to lavish

too much of his excruciating wit on us.

Yes. May I present Captain Keene

and Sergeant Major Macnutt?

I have already seen Captain Keene

on the polo field. He is very pretty.

Thank you, Princess.

I have also seen you.

You are... very pretty, too.

Thank you. You would like to embrace me?

Not yet. Not before tiffin, daughter.

Gentlemen,

please, be seated.

Jelhi, serve our honoured guests.

And how is Her Most Gracious Majesty

Queen Waterloo?

- Victoria.

- Oh, yes, of course.

Silly me. I never can remember.

She's well. I had a postcard from her

the other day. She sends her love.

Ohh. She is most generous.

I must make her another gift.

Some more elephants perhaps?

Oh, I wouldn't do that, Your Highness.

Buckingham Palace isn't all that big

and they need a lot of clearing up after.

If you say so.

But in India, the more elephants a man has,

the higher his standing.

Yes, and the higher his rhubarb.

Oh-ho-ho-ho...

Jelhi!

Yes, my father?

It is not proper for one of such high caste

to be making the eyes of the cow

at the rear end of the horse.

Not even when his smile shines

like the very sun of the heavens?

Not even when it shines

like the very seat of the trousers.

Go to the women's quarters

and pay your respects to your mother.

- (Whispers) Which one is she again?

- Oh, how many more times?

She with the hair like burnished copper

and the eyes as green as emeralds...

and No.32 stamped on her back.

I see Your Excellency is admiring my trophies.

- Yes, they're something to be proud of.

- Take a closer look.

It has taken me many years to collect them.

Very impressive. Very, very impressive.

I'd even go so far as to say

that you're a bit of a shot.

- I hope I heard you correctly.

- You did.

I have a more recent one over here

which I think will interest Your Excellency.

Yes, very interesting.

It reminds me

of what I've come to speak to you about.

- Oh?

- I don't know if Your Highness has heard,

but there's a ridiculous rumour

circulating to the effect

that the fearless soldiers of the 3rd

Foot & Mouth, the dreaded Devils in Skirts,

are wearing garments such as those

underneath their kilts.

Oh ho-ho. Really? Ha-ha-ha. How absurd!

- Is it true?

- Is it true?

Ha ha-ha! Do you hear that?

He wants to know if it's true.

Of course it's not. There was one man

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