Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #3

wearing 'em, as a form of self-punishment.

Self-punishment?

They are made of rather coarse wool.

Oh, as they say in England, they tickle the fancy.

Ha-ha! Very funny. Isn't that funny?

(All laugh)

I didn't have the old Oxford education

for nothing, you know.

Her Majesty was displeased

when she heard the rumour

but thought that a word of denial

from a man of your influence and power...

Well, of course, I should not like to upset

Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Euston.

- Victoria.

- Oh, yes, of course. I am so sorry.

Well, truly, I would be most pleased

to deny this rumour to my people.

Oh, well, that's good. That's that, then.

lf, of course, it could be proved to me

that the other soldiers don't wear them.

Eh? Oh. Yes, well, why not?

Right away.

- Captain Keene.

- Your Excellency?

You heard. His Highness wants proof.

Mm.

Yes. Sergeant Major.

- Sir?

- You may have the honour.

I... I'd rather not, sir.

Rather not?! That's an order.

(Whispers) So am I!

Oh, no!

Ha-ha ha ha-ha-ha!

The indignity of it! I've never been made

to look such a fool in my life.

How could you do it to me?

I... I'm terribly sorry, sir. I... I had no idea

you'd want us to demonstrate.

What are you wearing 'em for anyway!

Great big tough men like you! It's disgusting!

But they're not woollen ones, sir.

I had them made here. They're Indian silk.

Silk?

Silk?!

lmagine what they'll say when it gets out

that the commander of the Devils in Skirts

wears silk knickers!

I would like to say, Your Excellency, that I am

only wearing them from a sense of duty.

- Duty?

- Yes, sir.

They were knitted for me by my mother.

I don't care if they were embroidered

by your father!

- He did do the flowers.

- Flowers!

Flowers! It's getting worse.

It's like a canker spreading through the army.

Who knows how far it's gone?

But none of the other men wear them,

I assure you, sir.

That is correct, sir.

The men respect the tradition of the regiment.

Do they? Well, there's only one way to find out.

# Perfect bugle call

Parade... Parade, atten...shun!

Parade ready for inspection, sir!

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Parade ready for inspection, sir.

The area been cleared of spectators?

Yes, sir.

The men were not warned

about this inspection?

No, sir.

- Carry on, Captain.

- Thank you, sir.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Now, listen carefully, men.

This is a new drill.

On the word of command...

the hem of the kilt will be grasped firmly

in both hands.

Kilts... grasp!

Right.

Now, on the next word of command...

the hands will be brought smartly up

to the level of the shoulder.

Parade...

still keeping a tight hold on those kilts...

...hands... raise!

(Both laugh)

Oh, my dear Lady Ruff-Diamond, it is truly

a very excellent photographic reproduction.

Mm, I thought you might be interested.

I've heard all about the incident

of Private Widdle and his...

oh, pardon my blushes, underpants.

Yes, indeed. But as it is such very excellent

anti-British propaganda,

I can't help wondering, dear madam,

why you have brought it to me.

Well, can't you guess?

I thought perhaps if I did something nice for you,

you might do something nice for me.

A-ha. I understand.

You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.

- Ooh, that might be interesting for a start!

- (Both laugh)

But, my dear madam,

even if you were to allow me to keep this,

what would you expect in return?

- Rubies? Emeralds?

- Oh, no... Well... afterwards, perhaps.

After what, dear madam?

Oh, can you not tell

from the quickness of my breathing,

the heaving of my bosom,

the hot flush on my cheeks?

Ah, you are perhaps requiring

the Indian herbal laxative?

Oh, no, I had that last week.

Ever since I first saw you, I haven't been able

to get you out of my mind.

I lay awake at night

thinking of your strong arms around me, your...

oh, hot lips on mine and our...

our bodies entwined in oriental passion.

Yes, yes, yes. But what is it that you want?

Oh, stone the crows!

Look, do you want it or don't you?

- Oh, yes, most certainly, dear madam.

- Well, then, take me with it.

Take you...

- Oh, I see.

- Not before time.

But you drive an impossible bargain.

Dear lady, I do not make love.

- You don't?

-No, I am extremely rich,

I have servants to do everything for me.

Oh, well, that's put the tin hat on it, ain't it?

But perhaps... in your case,

I might be willing to make an exception.

Oh, Randy Lal.

I must take this immediately

to show to my warriors in the hills.

And then I will return to attend to you, dear lady.

Oh, no, you'll attend to me first, if you don't mind.

But I must take that with me now.

- Well, then take me with it.

- But what about your husband?

Oh, we don't want him.

Will he not be displeased

that you come away with me?

(Tearfully) Oh, of course.

My poor Sidney'll be ever so upset.

Oh, do not worry unduly. Before many days,

he and the others will all be dead.

Oh, that's all right, then, innit?

(Both laugh)

Captain Keene.

Princess Jelhi. What are you doing here?

I've come to warn you.

You must leave India immediately.

Leave India? Why?

My father is planning an uprising.

He will kill all the British.

(Squeakily) What? I mean... what?

Oh, you must believe me. It's true.

I have to go now, before I'm missed.

But for my sake, please leave.

Why for your sake?

Because I love you.

She loves me.

(Knock at door)

- Yes?

- Captain Keene's here to see you, sir.

- Oh, good. Is Her Ladyship back yet?

No, sir. She said

she was going to the hairdresser.

Oh. Well, I hope she's not having it off.

Send him in.

Oh, Captain, I'm glad you came.

I want you to post an immediate order.

As from now, any of your men caught wearing

underpants will be liable for court martial.

Oh... But it's purely tradition, sir.

I... I don't think we can force them

not to wear them.

Oh, yes, we can. I've got it right here.

Army regulation 74b.

"On tropical service, all ranks must keep their

personal equipment free from dust and rust,

and to avoid damp rot,

open to free circulation of air."

There we are, I think that should cover it.

Or rather, uncover it! Ha-ha-ha!

Hm. I-I'm afraid it's too late anyhow, sir.

- What do you mean?

- I've just seen Princess Jelhi, sir,

and she's told me that her father has got

a photograph of the inspection parade.

- You mean, with their things up?

- Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.

He's going to use it to incite his people to revolt.

Who's responsible for this treachery?

Who took that photograph?

I'll nail him to the flagpole.

I... I'm ra-rather afraid, sir,

it... it was Lady Ruff-Diamond.

What, the mem? I don't believe it.

It's true, sir. The Khasi has taken her

and the photograph to Jaksi.

Who?

Jaksi, sir. It's a hill town just across the border.

Stronghold of Bungdit Din and his Burpas.

Oh. Well, I... suppose

we'd better go and rescue her.

Er... I'm... I'm sorry to say, sir,

that Her Ladyship did not go unwillingly.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote