Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #4

Oh, nonsense! Her Ladyship

always does everything unwillingly.

I should know.

Sir, you must prepare yourself for a shock.

According to the Princess,

Her Ladyship is... enamoured of the Khasi.

Oh, no. Not that. Not that.

Do try and keep a stiff upper lip, sir.

I'm trying, Captain, but I just can't help it.

The thought of them together.

Her lying in his arms, slobbering all over him.

I just can't help... feeling sorry for the poor berk.

Sir, with your permission, I would like

to get her and the photograph back.

But Jaksi's outside our jurisdiction.

I think a few of us disguised as Burpas

might well pull it off, sir.

Damn risky. But it would be worth it

to get that photograph back.

Yes. We might even get

Her Ladyship back for you, sir.

That's a chance I'll have to take.

Jaksi's over the border. You'll need a guide.

- I know of a guide, sir.

- You do?

Yes, sir. A missionary in the town.

Brother Belcher.

Belcher, eh? Well, he should make

a good Burpa anyway. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, blimey. Do you think he'll help?

Probably not, sir, in the ordinary way.

But I think I know a way of... persuading him.

Repent ye before it is too late.

Leave the primrose path of sin and wickedness

and enter into the fold

- along with all the other poor sheep...

- (Sheep baas)

Brothers and sisters,

I say unto you, worldly goods are a curse

and an abomination.

Money is a burden.

Let me relieve you of that burden.

Don't pick your nose in the congregation.

Thank you.

Get out of it!

Oh. There is no profit in worldly goods. No, no.

Nor is there joy to be found in wanton wallowing

in... pleasures of the flesh.

Let not the painted houri lure you with...

lustful embraces.

Nor let their coal-fringed eyes lure you...

lure you...

Ah... Um...

(Raucous laughter and bed springs twang)

Oooh! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, fight the good fight! Ho-ho!

Wahaaay!

Haay! Ha-haa! Haay!

- Brother Belcher!

(Springs twang)

Captain Keene.

I was er... just giving this young lady

some moral guidance.

I don't think you could teach her a great deal,

Brother Belcher.

You're right there, Captain, sir. I...

No... please don't get the...

don't get the wrong idea, Captain.

I er... wouldn't get the wrong idea,

Brother Belcher.

Get off! Get off or I'll give you one...

Oh. What am I saying?

She does want it badly.

Moral guidance I... I mean.

Er... yes. Well, you just give it to her, Brother.

I'm er... sorry we barged in.

Captain Keene, sir, a word in your ear.

Captain Keene! Sir, just a minute!

- I did well, yes?

- You did very well.

Here.

But, Captain, look, if this got about,

people might... might misunderstand.

I don't want to spoil my public image, do I?

No, of course not, Brother.

Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.

Ahh, spoken like a right Christian.

Provided, of course, you're agreeable

to do a little something for us.

Certainly, brothers, certainly.

A bit of Bible reading,

or a soupon of psalm singing?

Psalm singing comes a bit more expensive.

No, no, it's nothing like that. We'd like you

to act as a guide on a military operation.

Military? Me? Certainly not!

It's the only way you can stop us talking.

But, Captain, look,

you don't seriously expect me, a man of peace,

an advocate of brotherly love,

to lend myself to a military punch-up?

You'll get ten rupees a day, of course.

- When do we start?

- Right away.

Give me ten minutes.

- Why, what are you going back in there for?

- Couple of points I still want to go over.

# Military call

Burpas! We are honoured today

by a visit of the great and powerful rajah

from across the mountains,

the Khasi of Kalabar.

What happened? What did I do wrong?

It is all right, Highness.

It is only their way of showing pleasure.

Oh. I'd hate to be around when they show anger.

Burpas, listen to the Khasi and listen well,

for he offers the chance of great glory to you all.

You have heard your great leader

Bungdit Din of Jaksi.

I come to you today from my country

across the mountains because I need help.

And it has long been known that you,

the Burpas,

are the greatest fighters in all Afghanistan.

Warriors who are fearless on the battlefield

and whose very name

makes their enemies tremble with fear.

What's he giving them?

What we term in ecclesiastical circles, Captain,

a bit of the old flannel.

That is why I have come to you.

To offer you the opportunity

to make much money

and even greater glory!

I wish they wouldn't do that.

Do not worry, Highness.

They show much pleasure.

If they hit you, it will only be an accident.

Well, that's very reassuring!

And now I will tell you

how this money and glory will come.

We are going to rise up

and drive the British out of India!

Oh, that's much nicer.

No, no, no, no. It is not good.

It is there way of showing displeasure.

- What?

- I will find out what is wrong.

Burpas, why do you dislike

the idea of fighting the British?

We cannot fight the Devils in Skirts.

It is a well-known fact that they are invincible.

Is that not so, men?

ALL:
Nee nee nee nee.

Ahh, they are against him.

No, no, no. They are agreeing with him.

Ooh, what a funny lot.

Do not talk to me of Devils in Skirts.

The skirts of the Devils are the skirts of women.

Would Devils wear such a thing as this

beneath them?

Hey, those are mine!

And that's the chap who took them off me.

I remember his face.

I'd hate to think what he remembers of you.

Uggh!

Can you fear men

who wear such a thing as this?

Now will you fight with us?

Yee yee yee.

No?

-No.

- I thought so.

They do everything here the wrong way round.

They are descended from one of the oldest

tribes in Afghanistan. The Arsitasis.

It would need more than one garment

to convince our chiefs.

We cannot fight without their permission.

ALL:
Nee nee nee nee.

They need more proof.

You have the picture here?

Yes, the memsahib has it.

- Oh, dear, they've got me doing it now.

- Good. Burpas,

go to your chiefs

and tell them to come to my house

and the Khasi will show them a picture

proving that the Devils are as women.

(Muttering)

They will fight

once we have won their chiefs over.

Before I see them,

perhaps we should sweeten them a little, yes?

Good. If he's promised to show them the picture,

that means they haven't seen it yet.

You wait here. I'll just scout around a bit,

see if I can find a way in.

And the best of Bombay luck, duck.

Widdle, replace your chin gear at once!

Ooh, this beard doesn't half itch.

What is it made of?

Goat's hair.

Poo!

Never mind the poo, put it back!

There's no other way, chaps.

We'll have to try and force our way in.

We'll never force our way

through these doors, sir.

That's where Mr Belcher comes in.

That's where Mr Belcher goes out.

Good day.

Mr Belcher, all you have to do is knock

on the door, ask to see the Khasi,

and when the door is opened, we will rush them.

- Now?

- Now. Come on.

Now. Hm.

There's no-one in.

Knock again. Louder.

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