Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #6

- Oh, no, I don't think it's part of you.

- Ah, I have it!

- You're very welcome to it, I'm sure.

No, of course, it is the photograph.

Allow me to relieve you

of what must be a most tiresome burden.

Now, now, Randy, remember our bargain.

I shall give it to you, when you...

Yes, yes, I know the rest.

And that, I trust, without seeming to be too

immodest or anxious, could be right now.

No, please, madam.

No, I cannot. Not before a meal.

- Oh, when, then? When?

- Well... Never fear,

I will have it at sunset.

Oh, at sunset! Oh, how romantic!

I can hardly contain myself.

Inoticed that. Yes, the sari is much too small.

- Oh, till sunset, then.

- Till sunset.

Well, do you have it?

No, but don't worry.

It will be easy after the public execution.

Oh, and only 500 cuts for the memsahib.

I don't want the photograph ruined.

My Lady, you must leave this place at once.

Are you kidding, dear?

Oh, I wouldn't miss tonight for anything.

My father has told you

what is to happen to you?

Not half! At sunset.

- You're not frightened?

- Oh, well, it's not as if it's the first time, is it?

But for it to be in public,

in front of everyone, is it not humiliating?

Oh, well, I wouldn't want it...

In public?!

Yes. Everyone will be watching when it is done.

It is the custom.

Well, not where I come from, it isn't.

In public?!

Oooh! Oooh, I... I think that's positively common!

Well, that is why I've come to save you.

You and the British soldiers

who are to die with you.

Die? What are you talking about?

The Death of a Thousand Cuts.

That is what is going to happen at sunset.

Death by a Thousand Cuts?! But...

I... I thought he was going to...

Oh! Oh, the dirty, rotten cheat!

You wait till I get my 'ands on 'im!

Oh, My Lady, trust in me.

I have a plan to save you

and to get you to your home.

Home?

But how can I go home now

after what I've done?

Poor Sidney.

I wonder what he's doing now.

- So, you're the Khasi's number...?

- Three.

- Three, eh? Oh, please sit down.

- Thank you.

Very nice, too.

I have come because my lord and master

has taken your woman.

Yes, it's been a terrible shock to me, terrible.

He done me a great wrong.

True. I have come to right that wrong.

Ha-ha-ha. It's funny, I was hoping you'd say that.

Excuse me.

- Shorthouse!

- Sir?

- Don't disturb us. We're having a bit of tiffin.

- It's not time for tiffin, sir.

Mind your own business! Any time is tiffin time.

Who's there?

It is I, the Princess Jelhi.

The white memsahib will be put in the cell

with the other prisoners.

- Princess Jelhi!

- Captain Keene! Is it you?

Yes. How wonderful!

I never thought I'd see you again.

Oh, nor I you.

And yet, here you are.

Here you are.

Excuse me.

Your Ladyship,

have you still got the photograph?

Yes... worse luck.

I thought you said there was no time to lose.

Yes, we must hurry.

We must leave before the feast finishes.

Change into these things immediately.

And now, a little illusion I picked up in Baghdad.

Oh, Baghdad!

Home of the immortal words,

"Who was that bag

I saw you with last night, Dad?"

"Who was that bag

I saw you with last night, Dad?"

Oh, I love it, yes!

I love it... Ahem.

And now, for my greatest illusion,

I would like, from my audience,

the assistance of one female lady.

Thank you, madam,

and er... may I have your name, please?

They call me Busty.

Really?

And may I have your assistance, please?

Who is this idiot?

Ahem.

Now, I want you to observe

I have one young lady here and two stools.

That one's the young lady. Ha! Naughty.

Observe there is nothing between

the young lady and the ceiling

and nothing between

the young lady and the floor.

When I remove the stools, you'll observe that the

young lady is in a state of complete suspension

with no visible means of support.

Now, I will now cover this young lady

with this old cloth.

I will now remove the first stool!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I will now remove the first stool.

It's clear. Come on.

Is this the best you could do?

It is the safest. It's the costume of the dancers.

The guards, they will not interfere with you.

They'll get a nasty shock if they do.

Follow me.

Come on, come on.

Go on, Ethel.

I will now remove the second stool.

Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot!

Fakir, off!

You! Come! You have kept our guests waiting.

Hurry! The dance! The dance!

Regi.

What do we do now?

Do as I do. It is our only chance.

Play!

# Eastern-style tune

Seize him!

This way!

After them!

(Thump)

Hurry, you fools!

Get a battering ram!

How do we get out of here?

There's no other door.

No, it is the place

where the women of the harem get exercise.

As if they don't get enough inside.

We'll have to get over the wall somehow.

Wait a minute. Let's get it right.

Remove the first stool.

Now, remove the second stool.

That's it!

Eureka!

- Hey, you, fakir, we need your help.

- Sorry, madam, I'm busy.

Madam?! I am Captain Keene

of Her Majesty's 3rd Foot & Mouth

and this is Sergeant Major Macnutt.

You could have fooled me.

Look, we need that rope of yours

to get us over the wall.

I'm sorry. It won't work.

Not without the magic words.

Come on, you'll be well paid.

Those are the magic words.

Help me off this thing.

Right.

What thing?

Oh, look! Look! I've got a touch of the levitations!

Never mind that, get the rope.

Oh, rope, yes. Rope.

Here we are. Cop hold of that.

(Hiss)

Oh, here we are. A lovely ladder.

Snakes and ladders! Snakes and ladders!

That'll do.

KEENE:
Lovely. Just what we needed.

Come along, now, up the wall.

- Over there.

- Just here.

Right, here we go.

- Couldn't he get the rope, then?

-No! This'll do.

I'm going as fast as I can!

It's Widdle that's holding me up!

Faster!

Right, let's go.

Where are you taking me?

Shut up and keep out of sight.

- Aargh!

(Crash)

They have got away!

Never mind.

We have the photograph!

- I will go after the pigs!

- Don't bother.

Go with your men,

take the short cut to the Khyber Pass

and wipe out the British garrison there.

Then the way will be open for us

to the Governor's Residency at Kalabar!

Ha-ha-ha!

(Tuts)

- Your Excellency. Sir.

- Eh? Who?

There's another one of them here.

- Another one? So soon?

- Mm.

- Did she say what number?

-Nine, sir.

Nine. How many women has the Khasi got?

At the last count, 51, sir.

51. Wow! Send her in.

- Shorthouse.

- Yes, sir?

I know. You're not to be disturbed.

You're having tiffin.

# Bugle plays Last Post

Oh, how awful! What can have happened?

I don't like making guesses

but I wouldn't be at all surprised

if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.

Foul play?! Look at 'em!

Lying around here

like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!

Ginger!

- Who is?

- He is. Ginger. My mate.

- Private Hale?

- Yes, Ginger Hale.

Hello, Gin.

It's me, Jimmy.

Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.

Jimmy? Is it you?

- My old mate.

- Ginge, mate. How do you feel?

Oh, not so good.

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