Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #7

I think I've been wounded.

Oh, only here and there.

- Jimmy, I can trust you?

- Mm.

Now, give it to me straight.

Am I going to be all right?

- Course not, Ginge, mate.

- Eh?

I said course not, Ginge, mate.

I... I... I'm not going to be all right?

Well, how could you be

with half a dozen dirty great holes in you?

- You've had it.

- You're a bleedin' fine mate, I must say!

You asked me to give it to you straight.

Yeah, but I didn't mean you to...

You 'orrible little runt, you! Oooh!

That's enough, Widdle!

You're a great deal of comfort to a dying man,

aren't you?

Now, listen, Hale.

This is Sergeant Major Macnutt.

What happened, lad?

They attacked about half hour ago, sir.

Hundreds of 'em.

(Belches) Burpas!

They... They...

Oh, no.

Ginge. Ginge, mate.

I'm sorry I...

Poor old mate.

# Last Post

(Ginger sobs)

That's right! Bleedin' well suffocate me!

The entire garrison at Khyber

has been wiped out, mighty Raj.

Well done, my most beautiful warrior!

You're a better man than I am, Bungdit Din.

You see now that the photograph does not lie?

The Devils in Skirts are not invincible.

- We have caught them with their pants up!

- Attack!

Kill! Kill!

Captain Keene, sir!

- Captain Keene!

- What is it?

They're coming down the Pass, sir.

Hundreds of the devils.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Everybody outside, please.

(Distant gunfire)

Right, now, pay attention, please, everyone.

It appears the Khasi is coming down the Pass

with his army.

Now, I have decided that you will all try

and get back to the Residency.

We? What about you?

I'm going to stay back here

and hold them off as long as possible.

Oh, no, sir. That's no job for an officer, sir.

Allow me.

Very well, Sergeant Major.

You realise it means certain death?

Yes.

That's why it's no job for an officer.

Yes, I hadn't thought of that.

I'll be pleased to have one volunteer

to stay with me, sir.

Don't look at me. I'm a civilian.

- Widdle!

- And I'm a coward.

Widdle, I'm giving you one last chance!

And I'm a cowardly volunteer.

- Excuse me.

- With pleasure.

That's my Widdle.

- Good luck, Sergeant Major.

- Thank you, sir. And you, sir.

- And you, Widdle.

- And you.

(Shouting and gunfire)

There's someone moving about

in the Pass.

Do you think those fools

will try to make a fight of it?

They will have difficulty.

We took care of the arms there, too.

(Gunfire)

- I think someone's been at them.

Useless! Never mind,

we've still got the Maxim and a field gun.

Widdle, get the ammunition.

- Ooh, isn't this exciting?

- Oh, yes, I'm just loving it!

It's quite a new experience for me.

I've only ever ridden side-saddle before.

You could have fooled me.

Kill! Kill!

Here they come. Fire!

No, wait till you see the whites of their eyes.

- I can only see the pinks. Will that do?

- Yeah!

Have a taste of this, you swine!

# Barrel organ

What the devil...

# Barrel organ

You rotten swines! You'll pay for this!

Come on!

Load! Load!

Come on.

Come on!

Stand clear!

(Whistling)

(Whistling)

- Down, everyone!

Widdle! Run!

Come on, let's get out of here.

Whoa! Here! Wait!

Hey, wait for me.

Come on, madam!

Oooh! Oooh!

Guard... halt!

To Her Most Gracious Majesty Victoria,

Queen of Great Britain and her Dominions,

Empress of all India, Defender of the Faith.

Dear Vicky,

I have the honour to report that all goes well

with Your Majesty's province of Kalabar.

And I flatter myself that I have established new

and more intimate relationships

with many of your subjects.

Eleven, to be precise.

..many of your subjects.

And I look forward to continuing to do so.

I therefore close, your most respectful servant,

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond, KCB, OBE,

ACDC, BBC, ITV,

- available for private parties.

- Etc, etc.

Oh, yes. PS:
love to Albert.

(Knock at door)

- Excuse me, sir.

- There's another one of them here, sir.

- Oh, blimey, no!

Well, sir, if you're not feeling fit,

perhaps I could er... see her for you?

Major Shorthouse,

however onerous they may be,

nobody could ever say

that I neglect my official duties.

Neither do rabbits.

Did she give any number?

13, sir.

13. Unlucky for some. Ha ha-ha!

Send her in.

13, eh? That's 12 down, 38 to go.

Can't help wondering what happened to No.5.

(Bullock bellows)

- Thanks for the lift.

- Yes, it was quite an experience.

I've never ridden in carts pulled by cows before.

Bullocks, Mr Belcher.

-No, I haven't, honestly.

- Here we are, home safe and sound.

If I can still call it home. After the way I've treated

poor Sidney, I doubt if he'll have me back.

Nonsense, Your Ladyship. I keep telling you,

it isn't as if anything happened to you.

Well, there's no need to keep rubbing it in.

It was good of you to see me.

Not at all. It's a pleasure. Any time.

It was necessary for me to right the wrong

done you by my lord and master.

You're quite right there.

Would you mind mentioning that

to No.5 if you should see her?

- Your Ladyship!

- Major Shorthouse, where is my 'usband?

Your husband? Ah, you mean Sir Sidney.

Of course I mean Sir Sidney!

I've only got one 'usband, haven't I?

No. I mean, yes. You want to see him?

Well, naturally I want to see him!

What's the matter with you?

-No! You can't go in there!

- Why ever not?

He's very busy with an affair... of state.

- This is more important.

- He gave instructions not to be disturbed.

- I must see him!

- Your Ladyship, he's busy.

- Get out of the way.

- Lady Ruff-Diamond!

Blimey, my wife's here!

It is good.

I will tell her the wrong has been righted.

You'll tell her nothing of the kind. Come here.

Get in there. Quiet. Quiet, please.

Sidney!

Oh!

- Oh, Sidney, dear, I've come back.

- Yes, so I heard.

Sidney, I have been foolish, indiscreet.

I lost my head.

- Is that all?

- Will you ever forgive me?

- What for?

- For running off and leaving you.

- Oh, that. Yes. Go and have a nice cup of tea.

- Sidney, we must have it out.

- Don't have it out.

- But I have wronged you, dear,

- and I want to right that wrong now.

-Now?! Oh, not now!

- For Pete's sake, not now!

- Oh, please, Sidney.

I will not deny that I went off with the Khasi,

but nothing happened between us.

I know that... What?!

Well, it's true. He never laid a finger on me.

Shh. Don't tell everybody.

What do you mean? You ought to be pleased.

I am... I am pleased.

Ooh, definitely. I am very pleased.

But they like a bit of scandal here,

something to talk about in the club.

- Oh, yes, I see what you mean.

- We British have got a reputation.

We want to keep it up, don't we?

- I'm not proud nothing happened.

- Quiet!

Please forgive me. I have wronged you.

- Me?

- I have righted a wrong which did not happen.

I am sorry.

- Funny woman.

- What was that woman doing in there?

I don't know. Cupboard love?

Don't you come it with me,

Sidney Ruff-Diamond. I know you.

What's that mark on your cheek?

Yes, I thought so, you filthy old Governor!

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