Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #8

-Now, just a minute, Joany.

- Don't you Joany me, you old lecher!

So that's what happens when my back's turned!

Wait a minute!

You ran away with another bloke!

I've heard some pretty weak excuses in my time!

Well, I'll teach you, Sidney Ruff-Diamond!

Well, it makes a change from tiffin.

Keep your eyes skinned, men.

We're expecting an attack at any moment.

I'll be on my way now, Captain Keene.

I wouldn't leave the compound, Mr Belcher.

These Burpas are after blood, you know.

Oh, they wouldn't dare show violence

to a missionary.

Love thy neighbour, Captain.

(Gunshot)

Get ready to close the gates

once our men are inside.

Give them some covering fire. Fire at will.

Fire at will.

Poor old Will! Why do they always fire at him?

Close the gates. Come on, inside!

All right, cease fire. Cease fire!

Reporting back, sir. I'm sorry

but we were unable to hold them at the Pass.

It's quite all right, Sergeant Major.

I'm sure you did your best.

Carry on. Take over the defence.

Sir.

Her Ladyship's aim seems to be improving, sir.

- You're telling me.

(Knock at door)

- Excuse me, Your Excellency.

- Oh, Captain Keene.

Did I hear firing just now or was it the mem?

It was firing, sir.

We are having a spot of trouble outside.

We're not doing so well in here either.

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

An armed revolt like this

could set the whole of India aflame.

- That's what I just said, sir.

- Who asked you?

-No-one, sir.

- Well, belt up.

One false step and it could be disastrous.

As Major Shorthouse just said, sir.

- And who asked him?

- Oh, f...udge.

No, gentlemen, this revolt will have to be

suppressed with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

We'll string up half a dozen of 'em for a start.

What is it, Sergeant Major?

The Khasi's here under a flag of truce.

All right, Captain.

- Right, Sergeant Major, show them in.

- Sir!

For heaven's sake, Sergeant Major,

see the surgeon and get that thing taken out!

Under a flag of truce, eh?

I wonder what that means.

- Well, sir, it's a piece of white material...

- I know what it is!

Greetings, Your Excellency.

It is most kind of you to see us

at such short notice.

You're always welcome, Your Highness.

You are most kind.

And how can I be of service to Your Highness?

As a mark of my deep respect

for Your Excellency's person,

I have come to offer you and your people

safe conduct out of Kalabar.

A very magnanimous gesture.

And er... if I do not wish to leave?

Then, Your Excellency,

I shall be forced, most reluctantly,

to burn the Residency to the ground

and kill everyone in it.

Is that all?

As a further mark of my respect,

I shall then exhibit your distinguished but neatly

severed head from the walls of the palace.

A very generous gesture.

You are most welcome, Your Excellency.

Just to show that we too

can make a generous gesture...

(Blows raspberry)

In that case, there is nothing more to say.

Unless you'd like to stop for a bit of tiffin.

No, thank you.

Unlike you British, we are not tiffin-mad.

I still don't trust that fella.

Things look rather bad, sir.

What are we going to do?

- Do? We're British. We won't do anything.

- Until it's too late.

That's the first sensible thing you've said today.

No, gentlemen, as always, we will carry on

as if nothing was going to happen.

But surely, sir, we er...

we must make some decisions.

You're quite right, Captain.

Shorthouse, we'll have dinner at seven.

I'd like Captain Keene, Princess Jelhi

and Brother Belcher to join us.

- Black tie, of course.

- Of course, sir.

# Bugle call

Over there! There's only one thing

to be worried about, and that's me.

And I'm right behind you!

What's that supposed to be, Widdle?

The thin red line. They'll never get past that!

If you don't get out of here,

you'll have a thin red line

across your thick white backside!

Remember, men,

it's up to us to see they don't get through.

Everything is ready for the attack, mighty Raj.

Seven o'clock.

This hour will go down in history, Bungdit Din.

- Shall I give the order to attack?

- Yes.

No, wait. What strange noise is that?

# Distant waltz

What trickery is this?

# JOHANN STRAUSS: Roses From The South

(Low chatter)

You, up there! What is this noise?

Can you see what is happening?

Oh, yes. They are sitting down to dinner.

Sitting down to dinner?!

Are they stark raving bonkers!

Do they think I'm playing games?

It is a typical exhibition of the British phlegm.

I spit on their British phlegm!

Oh, excuse me, a most impolite expression,

but these people, sometimes they infuriate me.

Ooh, they come out here with their starched

uniforms and their stiff upper lips,

and their dirty great flags 'anging out.

Think they own the place!

- They do.

- Well, they won't much longer.

- Start the attack.

- Imshi!

By the time I'm finished,

their stiff upper lips will be so limp,

they'll 'ang down to their navels.

I will kill the pigs! Fire!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That will teach them

to ban turbans on the buses.

(Explosion)

(Fierce gunfire)

(Explosion)

Aren't you enjoying your soup, then?

Oh... it's delightful. Delightful.

(Whistle and bang)

Terrible noise.

Yes, it's shocking, innit?

It's not a first-class orchestra.

They're doing their best.

I er... I mean the noise outside.

Oh. It's probably the drains again.

(Gunfire)

Major Shorthouse, you must have that seen to.

Yes, sir. How are you enjoying your stay in India,

Mr Belcher?

Marvellous. Can't wait to leave.

Yes, I suppose it has its ups and downs.

(Whistling)

We'll all be going up in a minute.

I must say,

the wind seems to be a little strong tonight.

Whose?

We used to know a missionary fella in the

Solomon Islands. Do you remember, dear?

Oh, yes, a splendid man.

He went down very well with the natives.

- Did he?

- Yeah, they ate him. Ha-ha-ha!

(Bong!)

- You rang, sir?

Yes, Chindi, you may serve the wine.

Wine?! They're all raving mad.

What's all this noise?

Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

What is that?

It's the flaming fakir

who helped them to escape from Jaksi.

Another idiot!

I'll teach him and those fools in there

a lesson they will never forget!

- Seize him!

- Cease firing! Stop firing!

Some more wine, Mr Belcher?

- It's finished!

-No, there's half a bottle here still.

No, no. I mean all that banging and rumbling.

Didn't notice any banging and rumbling.

Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget to take

your soda mint before dinner?

-No.

- I don't mean that sort of rumbling, madam.

- Oh, you mean the noise outside just now?

- Yes, that's right!

Yes. A spot of thunder.

It's the season for it, you know.

I remember once when we were in Poona,

we had a shocking storm. It really poured down.

Oh, yes, I remember that very well.

- Yes, I thought you would.

- Stark bonkers, the lot of them!

Ah, the meat course.

You'll love this.

(Gasp of horror)

And for my next trick... I will perform a feat...

Well, that's not what we ordered, is it, Sidney?

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