Carry On ... Follow That Camel Page #5

And if I were to take it off?

Oh, yes.

It is well, but it is forbidden

for me to remove it in public.

Of course, if you were to...

come to my house later...

Yes?

About ten minutes after midnight?

Yes? Yes?

There will be a whole toffee

assortment with no papers on.

Must you go? This last hour has

been an experience

I cannot forget.

Oh, yes, it's been fun, but

I really must see Bo now.

Very well, he will be at the Café

Zigazig. I will take you there.

Oh, no. I must see him alone.

Surely you understand that.

Very well, my love,

but be careful.

It is not safe for a young

woman to go about alone.

Papa told me that before I left,

but nothing's happened to me yet.

- Nothing unpleasant, that is.

- Out here, it's different.

These hot-blooded Arabs, once they

get you amongst the sand dunes...

Oh, do tell me. What do they do?

I cannot tell you, but

there's an old Arab saying,

"There's many a good fiddle

played on an old dune."

On an old dune.

So, be careful, my love.

Ok, fellas, let's

take the short cut.

Who is this woman?

What woman?

She of the skin the

colour of camel tripes.

I do not know. Why?

I desire her.

Bring her to me.

Good night. I'm having

a little shuteye.

See you later. So

long. Good night.

Bye.

He doesn't seem to be

here at the moment.

I'm sure you will find

the one you are seeking.

In the meantime, perhaps

you would care to

accept the hospitality

of my humble dwelling?

Oh, how kind. Do you

live near here?

My encampment is at the Oasis

El Nooki, in the desert.

- Amongst the sand dunes?

- Naturally.

I thought as much. Thank

you very much, but

I feel I ought to stay

somewhere in town.

As you wish. Perhaps you

will change your mind.

- You will have a drink?

- Thank you.

- What is it?

- We call it sherbet.

Sherbet.

I haven't had any sherbet

since I was a little girl.

It's... harmless, isn't it?

Of course, if drunk... quickly.

It doesn't taste quite

the same as I remember.

Delicious, though. Really.

Oh.

Do you know, I think

I shall accept

your offer of kind hospitality.

I am honoured.

We will leave immediately.

Oh. Oh.

Whoops.

I'm travelling alone,

you know. Ha-ha.

Yoo-hoo. It's me.

The desirable one.

Enter, O desirable one.

I got something for you.

I am here. In the bedroom.

Ha-how.

Who needs you?

This'll be a night

to remember, baby.

By the time I'm through

with you, you won't know...

what hit you.

Enter, O desirable one.

- Hello.

- I am here, in the bedroom.

Oh, I do beg your

pardon. I'll wait here.

No. No. You must come in here.

I am in bed.

Oh, aren't you feeling well?

No. No. I am just cold.

I need to be warmed.

Wo... would you like me to...

get you a hot-water bottle?

No. Do you not understand?

I just want you.

Oh.

Well, if you don't mind

me seeing you in bed.

I say, it's... it's

rather dark in here.

I... Argh.

It's all right, Miss Corktip,

you can come out now.

Oh. No. You won't need that.

There's no more of them.

It's those two chaps

who were bothering

you in the café,

earlier on this...

Luckily, I learned a bit

of the old jujitsu.

I... Oh. I say. I

do beg your pardon.

You haven't got your topcoat on.

There, I'll just turn my back.

Jezebel.

I'll never trust another

woman as long as I live.

Disgusting. If you did that in

England, you'd get fined £5.

Where are we, Sergeant?

Do you know?

Yes, this is the Oasis El Nooki.

It's the only water hole

within 200 miles.

You have done well.

You will be rewarded.

I want no other reward

than to be favoured

with the loving

attentions of my lord.

It shall be done. Wait in my tent.

I hope you had a pleasant

journey, gentlemen.

No. We have been

treated outrageously

and I demand to see

the British Consul.

Did I say something funny?

I don't know, but keep going,

he might rupture something.

Quiet, you miserable

camel droppings.

I beg your pardon? You can't talk

to a British subject like that.

Hey, take it easy,

Bo. Take it easy.

No, I won't.

I will not be humiliated

in this manner.

If you're going to kill us,

why don't you shoot us now?

That is an excellent idea.

You and your big mouth.

But first, I require

some information.

Of course, anything you want

to know, just fire away.

How many accursed

legionnaires are there

at the outpost in

Fort Zuassantneuf?

Let me see. How many legionnaires

at Fort Zuassantneuf? Er...

You're not going to

tell him, are you?

Why not? It's a harmless question.

Well, of course it isn't. He wants

to find out so he can attack it.

Oh, come off it, Bo. Not him.

- Not this kindly old gentleman.

- It is true.

The infidels will

all perish when the

second crescent of the moon enters

- Orion's third phase.

- When is that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires

at Fort Zuassantneuf,

and then the infidels

at Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

It has been ordained by the

prophet, Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Now, you will tell

me. How many men?

You know, for the moment, it

seems to have slipped my mind.

If I could pop back

to the barracks

and have a word with

our Kommandant.

Don't trifle with

me, accursed one.

Perhaps a little torture

will help you to remember.

You have until nightfall

to come to your senses.

If not... they will come off.

One by one.

One by one? I suppose

he means our ears.

That's my boy. Always thinking

of the higher things.

Look, chiefie, if

you could just have

a word and talk this over sensibly

with this er... Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

I don't know, it must be

number one on the hit parade.

Away with them.

Argh.

Good.

Now you.

Someone is coming.

Pow. Pow.

Good boy.

Get his clothes.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

If we could only get

to those horses.

How are ya? I lost a cuff link. It

must be around here some place.

I'm sure I could find

it if I looked...

Stop.

- I think they've spotted us.

- You must be kidding.

Kill them.

Wait.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Run for it.

After them.

Quick. In there.

Man, you gotta hand

it to these Arabs.

They got the craziest

camping equipment.

Allah is smiling down on me.

- I think we ought to leave.

- Why?

Well, they've hardly

any clothes on.

That's a reason?

Well, I'm going.

I'd rather die out

there than in here with this lot.

What are you, some kind of a nut?

I have to remember

the family name.

- West, sir.

- Thank you, Simpson.

They're just waiting out there.

Let me see.

Why don't they come and get us?

Wait a minute.

This is the harem tent.

By their laws, no

man may enter here.

- Only the eunuchs.

- What are they?

You'll never know how close

you came to finding out.

Sergeant, do you mean

that all these ladies

- are the sheikh's wives?

- What's so terrible about that?

Think, all those mothers-in-law.

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