Carry On ... Follow That Camel Page #4

I don't know if you happened to

notice, sir, but...

these things...

Yes, Simpson, I did

happen to notice.

Well, we had some casserole dishes

just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right. We used

to put our dumplings in them.

They use them for the

same reason here.

I'd like to meet her.

What, that dancer,

sir? Oh, I don't

think that would

be advisable, sir.

Why ever not?

Simmy's right. You'd

never catch me getting

mixed up with a

woman of that sort.

Hello, there. Well,

why don't you take

off your clothes and

pull up a chair?

- Zank you.

- No, no. Zank you.

Now, who told you I

was the only one

around here worth bothering with?

- Oh, nobody.

- Oh, just psychic?

May I say how very much

I enjoyed your dancing?

Thank you, you are most kind.

- We haven't seen you here before.

- No, I have just come from Egypt.

Ah, Egypt. Land of mystery.

Home of the mighty fairies.

- You mean pharaohs.

- I know what I mean.

You are so very pretty.

- Oh, please.

- Oh, no, no, it is true.

What is your name?

West, sir.

West. Bertram Oliphant West.

Ludicrous, ain't it? My name is...

Bertram Oliphant?

It's a riot, isn't it?

You see, my name is...

But most of my best

friends call me Bo.

- Bo?

- Yes, B-O.

You've got some nice friends.

- And what's your name?

- They call me Corktip.

Now, I bet you can't

guess my name.

Oh, yes, I know your name.

How do you like that? It's even

spread to Egypt. It had to happen.

They call you the Big Stinker.

Ha-ha. That's what they

call me. Everybody know...

What?

I hear Zigzig call

you that just now.

How do you like that dame?

Well, she'll get no

more favours out of me.

May I offer you some

refreshment, Miss Corktip?

Oh, no, thank you. I

must go work now.

- Oh, dancing again?

- No, I also tell fortune.

Really? How?

Oh, with the ball, or by the hand.

Or I feel your bumps.

Who did that?

- It was I.

- You...

And very well done, I must admit.

- Go, woman.

- Now, just a moment.

You will be the first to die.

Enough. Go.

Go, you dogs.

A thousand apologies, gentlemen.

They're just ignorant fools.

Ah, it's a good thing you showed

up. Just about to lose my temper.

It will not happen again.

Peace be on you.

And peace on you, too.

Fools. You would kill legionnaires

here? In front of everyone?

I have other plans for them.

Come.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant,

there is a woman here for you.

A woman? But it's not

Saturday, is it?

No, no, not that one,

Herr Kommandant.

A white woman. She asked to

see the officer in charge.

- A white woman? Out here?

- And out there.

Well, bring her in. Bring

her in immediately.

Yes, yes.

Lady Jane Ponsonby,

- Kommandant Burger.

- Jane.

Maximilian.

Oh, pardon.

- Oh, can it really be you?

- It's been such a long time.

Oh, years ago. Vienna, when

I was in finishing school.

And I was your fencing master,

and finished you off.

I was only 17. I hardly

knew what it was all about.

Fencing, I mean.

Oh, and such a beautiful

child, you were.

With the pigtails, and the

braces on your teeth.

And you had braces, too.

On your leather shorts.

- Ah, my love.

- Maximilian.

Forgive me, but it's

been so many years

since I've even

seen a white woman.

Come now, there can't be that much

difference. Apart from the colour.

That's very true.

There's an old Arab

saying, "The whiteness of the snow

is as the blackness of the coal

hole when there's no light."

What a lovely saying.

But not you. You could

never be the same.

It was because of you

that I joined the Legion.

- Because of me?

- Yes.

That day you are coming

to me for the private

lesson, and I did

what I did to you.

Oh, I was so ashamed.

- Oh, look, it was nothing.

- Only a little scratch.

But I have never

touched a sword since.

Oh, poor Maximilian.

No matter. You have forgiven

me and found me again.

Oh, Maximilian, I didn't

come here looking for you.

Not for me?

No, I really came to find a very

dear friend of mine. A Mr West.

Bo West?

This man, he is important to you?

Yes, I'd do absolutely

anything to find him.

Anything?

Yes.

Tell me, are you travelling alone?

Yes.

- Very well. In that case...

- Oh, never mind, I'll do it.

Ooh.

I wish you to get them

to come to your house.

My men will take

care of them then.

I understand.

All three of them?

No, just two of them.

He with the head like the

dome of the mosque of Omar.

And he with eyes like

well holes in the sand.

It shall be done, O powerful one.

Hey. Corktip, she wants to

see you in the back room.

- Me?

- Yes, you. Don't ask me why.

I don't have to ask. I know.

Ow. They can only

fight against it for

just so long, and then

it's va-va-va-voom.

Well, chappies, don't

wait up for me, what?

You can stop looking for it

in there. It's right here.

Sit down. I would like to see

what's in store for you.

Hey, I'd like to see what's

in store for me, myself.

No, you must not. Not here.

I tell your fortune. Sit.

Fine, but er... never mind that,

let's get to the bumps, huh?

You interest me, strangely.

I feel an... affinity between us.

A destiny that guides our ends.

Fine, you take care of your

end, I'll take care of mine.

Ah, it is clearing now.

I see you meeting a dark woman

- somewhere else.

- Oh, er...

it wouldn't be you, would it?

It might be.

Yes, it is me.

Fine. When?

I see a clock.

It says... midnight?

Midnight it is. Where?

I see a house.

It is the tenth house in

the Street of Many Fools.

Oh, 10 Downing Street.

I'll be there.

- Well, what happened?

- Where? What do you mean? Oh. Oh.

Nothing at all. She just told

my fortune. Nothing to it.

Oh. Well, we'll soon

see about that.

Sit down. Where do you

think you're going?

- The sergeant's right, sir.

- Well, I like that.

Didn't you just tell me

to find another woman?

Yes, sir. I mean a

lady of breeding, sir.

A woman of that type's only

looking for one thing.

Good, I'll go and

help her find it.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Sergeant, do you

think he's going to be all right?

Good, you have come. I was

just going to send for you.

You were? Really?

Yes. You fascinate me, strangely.

Please, sit down.

Oh.

You have a very interesting head.

Well? What does it tell you?

Well, this one here,

this big bump,

this indicates that you are

very romantic and passionate.

That's very funny. That's where

I was hit by a cricket ball.

But you are passionate.

I feel it here.

Is it not true?

Well, I did once breathe rather

heavily down my music

teacher's neck.

She was showing me

some five-finger

exercises and I lost my senses.

Is that all? You mean you

have never kissed a woman?

Oh... oh, yes.

But never one wearing a veil.

What difference does my veil make?

Well, it would be like sucking

a toffee with the paper on.

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