Carry on Again Doctor

---

(Woman screams)

They've started early today.

(Screams)

Oh, hello. What is it, Miss Armitage?

What's the matter?

- (Whimpers)

- I'm so sorry, I'm not dipped.

What happened?

What frightened you, Miss Armitage?

Wh-What's all the fuss about?

I might have known. Dr Nookey,

what have you been doing to this patient?

Doing? To her? You must be joking.

I was just having a shower

when she suddenly barged in.

That is the women's washroom.

W- Women's washroom?

Well, it was only changed yesterday, Doctor,

while the women's is being redecorated.

The notice isn't very clear.

That is no excuse.

I think you owe this lady an apology.

I'm most terribly sorry, Miss...

(Screams)

DOCTOR:
Miss Armitage!

- Don't forget my appointment.

- Ooh!

Don't you start.

Ohh! Why do they put such awkward handles

on these doors?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir,

but there seems to have been an awful mistake.

Your medical career is notorious

for its ups and downs.

- Now we appear to have reached the bottom.

- Ooh!

Pay attention, everyone.

The head surgeon is making his rounds.

Sit up straight.

- Sit up straight.

- You must be joking.

The point is, sir, as senior house surgeon,

it is my job to see

that the hospital runs with efficiency.

- Dr Nookey is a disrupting influence.

- Oh, don't go on so, Stoppidge.

I can't sack every doctor who goes in the wrong

washroom and makes an exhibition of himself.

- Who was that woman?

- Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.

Is she? All I can say is she observed

a darn sight more than she bargained for.

There's more to it than that, sir.

There have been other incidents with nurses.

Oh, come, come, Stoppidge. We both know that

young doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery-pokery.

Sir, I do not object to jiggery,

but I do take exception to pokery.

Excuse me, sir...

Ah, this is the new kidney case, I suppose.

- Oh, yes, sir. Mr Bean.

- Ah, kidney bean!

Well, Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?

A bit, sir,

especially when I pass water.

The best thing for you to do, Mr Bean,

is to stop passing it.

Every time you come to some,

stop and turn back.

- Has he been X-rayed?

- Yes, sir.

- I'd like to see his plates.

- Yes, of course.

I mean his X-ray plates.

I beg your pardon. Matron.

Nurse.

Thank you.

Ah. Hm. Yes.

It's a stone.

No? I thought it was a trouser button.

Mr Bean, do you wear a zip on your trousers?

Why, yes.

It's a stone. It'll have to come out right away.

- Excuse me, sir.

- Don't keep plucking at me, I'm not a chicken.

I'm sorry, but you have an appointment

at the Berkeley Nursing Home.

- It can wait.

- With Mrs Moore.

And she... Oh, yes, that's different.

She's a wealthy private patient of mine.

I took her appendix out the other day.

I hope you both had a nice time.

I'll make the jokes if you don't mind, Stoppidge.

- All right, Fosdick, get the car.

- But, sir, what about the operation?

You can handle it.

I hear you're a good kidney winkler.

- Sir, I've never done this kind of op before.

- You'll handle it.

- I'll lend you my penknife.

- Penknife?!

Yes, it's got one of those things

for taking out stones.

Oh, but, sir, I do need your advice.

- Come with me in the car. I'll explain it.

- Thank you, sir.

Mr Bean! Come back!

CARVER:
Bend over and I'll demonstrate.

Perfectly straightforward, you see.

You make your incision here. Stop squirming.

Isn't the incision rather high up, sir?

I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.

High up? Certainly not.

Have you got a skin pencil?

Show me the position of a normal kidney.

I would say it's just about... there.

What's that supposed to be? A cashew nut?

- His kidney.

- What, that silly little thing?

- He's not a hamster.

- All right.

Perhaps... just a bit larger.

No, no, no. It's not even in the right place.

Here. I'll show you.

(Giggles)

Now, there. There. That's where you'll find it.

Oh, no, sir. I beg to differ.

That is where his liver is.

Nonsense.

The liver's not there, it's there. There, you see?

- And there's the backbone.

- (Giggles)

Would you mind doing that again, sir?

Yes, sir, please do.

- Thank you, Nurse.

(Buzzer)

Mrs Beasley, please.

And about time too.

- (Groans)

- Ah, good morning, Mrs Beasley.

- And what's wrong with you today?

- That's for you to find out, innit, Doctor?

Any rate...

I brought you this sample

what you asked me for.

The correct word for it is a "specimen",

Mrs Beasley.

You call it what you like, Doctor.

I know what I'd call it...

Not in front of Sister, please, Mrs Beasley.

And while we're on about it,

you ought to give us bottles with wider tops.

I had a hell of a job getting that in there.

You ought to have used a funnel, Mrs Beasley.

I tried one of those.

It just kept running out the other end.

- Well, never mind. You've done splendidly.

- It's all right, is it?

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Not much wrong in that department.

No, there may not be much wrong there,

but that doesn't mean

there isn't something wrong with the rest of me.

I mean, there's the bowels, to start with.

They're driving me mad.

- Nothing don't seem to shift 'em.

- Have you tried a laxative?

Not bowels, Doctor. Bells.

Ringing in my ear holes all day long, they are.

Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.

Please go on, Mrs Beasley.

There's a swelling what comes up at night...

Course, when the palpitations start

it wakes me up,

and I turn over and that wakes him up.

And 'fore I know where I am,

- he's at it again.

- At it?

Grousing.

"You woke me up. (Mutters)"

Oh, I see.

Well, have you tried using separate beds?

He won't have it, Doctor.

Says it's denying him his convivial rights.

Yes, well, um... I'll get Sister to give you

some sleeping tablets for it, Mrs Beasley.

- Now, I really must get on.

- This way, Mrs Beasley.

(Groans) Ooh, Doctor. I never told you

about the rheumatism in my right leg.

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

It's just old age.

But my left leg's as old.

I don't get no rheumatism in that.

All right, you win, Mrs Beasley.

Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?

Yes, Doctor. Come along, Mrs Beasley.

Thank you, Doctor. See you tomorrow.

Who's next, Sister?

Just Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.

SISTER:
You can bring Mr Pullen in, Nurse.

Come along, Mr Pullen. You're next.

Up we get. That's it.

Now, hold on tight round my waist.

Not too tight.

Stop it. Behave yourself.

- (Whispers)

- Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me.

Isn't he awful? You'd think at his age... Ohh!

Take Dr Stoppidge back and then return for me.

Come along, Fosdick.

- Morning, Mr Carver.

- Morning, Matron.

- Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go right in.

- Thank you, Matron.

My dear Mrs Moore. Why, you're looking

very well today. How are you feeling?

Oh, I feel wonderful, Mr Carver.

I'd no idea that having one's appendix out

could be so exhilarating.

I feel ten years younger.

Splendid, splendid.

Be honest, now. Do I look like a woman of 40?

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