Carry on Again Doctor Page #2

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You really feel as young as that?

No, that's what I am.

Yes, I was just joking, of course.

And er... you're leaving today, are you?

Yes. I shan't be sorry. This bed's all right,

but I miss my Slap and Tickle.

- What?

- Slap and Tickle. They're my Siamese.

- They always sleep on my bed.

- Yes, of course.

Not that I'm not grateful

for all that you've done for me.

They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.

Well, I suppose I am a cut above the rest.

Yes, and, you know, I've been thinking.

I'd like to show my appreciation in some way.

Come, now. Just because you're a widow, that's

no reason why I should take advantage of you.

I don't mind being taken advantage of...

now and then.

Well, since you've mentioned it,

there is something I would like to do.

Yes?

For many years now, I've had a dream.

A dream of something that would bring hope

and comfort to millions of suffering people.

The Frederick Carver Foundation.

What's that, some sort of corset?

No, no. A private clinic.

But, alas, it would be a very costly project.

- Five hundred thou...

- I didn't mean that sort of appreciation.

Not financially. I don't do that sort of thing.

Oh, don't be modest, Mrs Moore.

What about the medical mission you set up

in the Beatific Islands?

Oh, that was different. My husband died there

and I wanted to show my gratitude.

- I mean for the way they looked after him.

- Quite, quite.

TANNOY:
Dr Clarke to reception, please.

Hello, Doctor. Another bill for you. (Chuckles)

- Wotcher, Jim.

- Oh, hello, Henry.

- Swotting up on anatomy?

- Yes.

I could do with some fine surgical equipment

like that.

Well, who couldn't? Fed up, then?

You're joking.

I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.

Specialise, that's what I'd like to do.

The old Harley Street bit, with bags

of lovely filthy-rich women patients.

What would you specialise in?

Don't know. The only thing I'm good at

you get struck off for.

HENRY:
There goes one of my patients.

Do you fancy a game of diagnosis?

What, with him? What, half a dollar?

Right, OK. Let's see.

JIM:
Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids...

- I'd say pernicious anaemia.

HENRY:
Sorry. Cirrhosis.

Damn. Wait a minute. How about that one?

JIM:
Double or quits.

HENRY:
He's not one of mine.

- Still, have a go.

- All right.

HENRY:
I'd say a slipped disc.

JIM:
Never. Must be... haemorrhoids.

And a very bad case, too.

- Let's ask him, eh?

- All right.

Excuse me, sir.

My friend and I are doing spot diagnoses.

I was wondering if you could help.

I'd say you've got haemorrhoids, and he thinks

it's a slipped disc. Could you tell us?

Er... let me see, now.

- You thought it was a slipped disc.

- Right.

- I'm afraid you were wrong.

- Ah.

You thought it was haemorrhoids.

I'm afraid you were wrong.

- What, then?

- As a matter of fact,

I thought I was going to break wind.

I'm afraid I was wrong.

- Excuse me.

TANNOY:
Dr Nookey wanted in Casualty.

TANNOY:
Dr Nookey to Casualty.

- See you later, Henry.

- Well, what is it, Matron?

- Accident from the film studios. Just coming in.

- Something the matter?

- I-I've just seen you. On a pin-up calendar.

Oh, yes, could be. I did do some modelling once.

Not for long. Those photographers

expect too much for their money.

Well, what an extraordinary coincidence, eh?

I was just saying to myself

I could do with a bit of...

Yes, well, er... what happened to you, then?

- Here's the accident report, Doctor.

- Oh, thank you.

Let's see. Miss Locks.

Severe bruising and possible fracture.

That's right. You see, I was posing on top of

this enormous packet and I slipped and fell.

Oh, I see... I think.

Well, we'd better have a closer look at you,

hadn't we? If you would, Matron.

Cor... (Splutters)

- What's wrong?

- Oh, nothing. No, nothing at all.

(Chuckles) It's all marvellous.

What happened to your clothes, Miss Locks?

This is all that I was wearing.

I was doing an advertisement.

Just for interest, what were you advertising?

Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.

I can see the connection now.

I can't see any sign of bruising.

Can you, Doctor?

Oh, no, I fell on my backside.

I haven't got anything in front.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

- Oh, cheeky.

I think we'd better turn you over, hadn't we?

Turn over, please, Miss Locks.

(Splutters) Cor.

- Can you see them?

- Oh, yes, not half!

Oh, yes, yes. Nasty. Very nasty.

Tell me if this hurts you, would you?

Oh, haven't you got hot hands?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, I don't think

there's much of a fracture here.

Do you feel any fever or giddiness?

Yes, I do feel a bit hot.

I meant Miss Locks.

Oh, yes. We'd better check you for that.

Would you turn over again, please?

Well, that one's all right.

- Will you want an X-ray, Doctor?

- Pardon?

(Amplified) Do you wish an X-ray?

Ooh. Yes, as soon as you can set one up,

please, Matron.

Thank you.

It's the pulse bit now. May I have your hand?

Shouldn't it be my wrist?

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

We should get the results any minute now.

Oh, I hope they're all right.

I've got a screen test tomorrow.

- What's your first name?

- Goldie.

Goldie.

Oh, Goldie Locks.

I know, it's shocking,

but I sort of got stuck with it.

- What's your real name, then?

- Maud. Maud Boggins.

Oh, well, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.

What's your name?

Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.

You're not much better off, are you?

No. Look, Goldie, how about you

coming out with me one evening, eh?

- What for?

- Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.

I don't mind the dinner and dancing,

- but don't expect anything else.

- Oh, I don't.

GOLDIE:
So long as you know.

There we are, Jimmy. No sign of a fracture.

Whoopee! No fracture!

There will be if you go on like that.

- Ooh. Can I go now?

- There's no hurry, is there?

- Would you like to have a look around?

- All right.

- Good. We'll start with my room.

- No, thanks. I've seen your room.

Here, I like your telly.

Do you? Just a minute, I'll show you what's on.

Now, let's see. (Mutters to himself)

Contact.

And now, before your very eyes.

(Chinese accent)

Our genuine Chinese spare ribs.

Profile, miss. Ask me the time.

What's the time?

4:
25.

- Have a go.

- Yeah.

Whoops.

- Well, how do I look?

- Hm. Bony.

I don't know what I see in you.

I wish I could see myself.

Just a minute,

I might be able to get a print of this. Let's see.

(Machine whirs)

Say cheese.

(Machine bleeps)

(Goldie screams)

Just st-stay where you are.

I'll pull the main fuse out.

(Patient moans)

(Muffled moans)

(All buzzers sound at once)

Coming.

(Squeals)

(Sirens and bells ring)

I wouldn't have thought it possible for one man

to create such utter chaos.

We've only returned to normal this morning.

I- I know, sir.

The trouble is, I just can't help myself.

On the contrary, you always help yourself.

Sir, do we have to prolong this?

I'll just hand in my resignation.

Oh, no, no. There's no need for resignation.

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